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Mutual friendship drama – please help!

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #328383
    Mary
    Participant

    I honestly feel so silly asking advice on this matter because it feels like school playground drama, but I want to be able to approach the situation in the right way and respond appropriately and respectfully to keep both friendships alive and well. I have two friends – let’s call them G & L. I met G years ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off and stayed in touch, but we were never close. We never spent time together exclusively, but we talked here and there. I always thought we had a good acquaintance-like friendship. That same mutual friend of mine and G had a friend named L. I knew of L because we went to high school together and when I was going through a rough patch, G suggested I reach out to L since she went through something similar. L and I were already friends on social media. We shared a lot of the same posts and seemed to have a lot in common by that point. So after confiding in her about my problem, we continued talking more often. Many months later, we finally hung out for the first time. We just had this chemistry and clicked really well. We understood each other, especially growing up in similar households, we were able to understand each other’s ways of going about things. Our interests concerning music, food, activities, hobbies lined up nicely as well. Friend G was starting to feel left out. She didn’t have to say anything, but I could sense it. So L and I started inviting G out with us. The problem though is that G had more different interests than things in common with L and I. She doesn’t like to go out and the few times she did, she stormed off because her “social battery” died out and it’s just not her idea of fun. We understood though. Sometimes my social battery dies out and I’ve left the party early. When L and I would make plans, G would either be working or not interested in participating. So sometimes, L and I would make plans alone. Most of the time, these plans are spur of the moment. Not to mention, G absolutely despises L’s boyfriend and refuses to be around him. I don’t really have a problem with him so a lot of times, he is involved with the plans we make. G is starting to get even more upset and acting out of jealousy. She recently made a comment noting that she feels left out. I feel like me venting and reaching out on here must sound ridiculous to all of you. We’re all in our late 20’s. I don’t want to deal with this kind of drama. I can get jealous sometimes too so I can understand where she’s coming from. I also don’t act on malicious intent about this. I just don’t know how to explain to her that L and I have a different chemistry without her lashing out at me for “not being good enough” when it’s not that at all. She gets very defensive easily and likes to point the finger. I just want guidance or advice on how to handle her feelings and how to word the situation to her without her lashing out. I love them both! They’re both great people in their own ways, but I hate feeling guilty for being closer to L, when I was never really as close to G from the start. I’m sure G is more upset with L because that was her friend first so it feels like L is doing more of the “neglecting”, but G only comes to yell and lash out at me for everything that concerns L. I know G should talk to L and I’ve already told her that, but I just want to know how I should approach the situation between G and I only because she is one of my friends too at the end of the day. I want everyone to be happy and not so much jealous of anyone. I know I can’t change her or how she feels, but if I can just word this whole thing in a way that will make her understand it’s not deliberate neglecting or purposely being left out, then I feel like this situation will get better with time. I appreciate any responses in advance!

    #328411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mary:

    What I learned about G from reading your post is that she believes deep inside that she is not good enough, that she is quick to anger and lash out, and blame others for making her feel the way she feels, and she believes that others deliberately neglect her and leave her out. (“her lashing out at me for ‘not being good enough’.. She gets very defensive easily and likes to point the finger… make her understand it’s not deliberate neglecting or purposely being left out”).

    These beliefs in G existed since she was a child, way before L and you entered her life. Let’s say she wants to change these core beliefs, if she attends therapy, it will be a very difficult and long process to accomplish that, and she will have to work hard at it.

    Without therapy, these beliefs will remain unchallenged and there is nothing you can say, no way fo you to “word this whole thing in a way that will make her understand” that reality is not what she believes it is.

    Imagine if it was that easy, all it would take would be one therapy session, or two, the therapist wording things perfectly and problem solved. Here is how you can check and see for yourself how close or far she is from challenging her I am not good enough, they are leaving me out on purpose core beliefs: ask her when as a child she started believing this. If she lashes out at you in return for your question, she is far, far away from challenging those core beliefs and healing.

    anita

     

     

    #328425
    Mary
    Participant

    Thank you for responding Anita. I struggle with this situation because I’m left feeling guilty for being closer to L than she, but also dealing with her not being interested in our plans and what we do when she is invited. It’s almost like a catch 22. I just wish I could make everyone happy, but after you had me look at it from another perspective, that probably won’t ever happen unless she address those things and takes action (such as therapy as you mentioned). I still remind her in person and via text how loved she is. I just wish it were enough to avoid this kind of drama. If the subject comes up again, I will take your approach into consideration and see if I can help her.

    #328433
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mary:

    You are welcome. You can’t  “make everyone happy”, if you were able to do that, you’d be the wealthiest person in the world!

    “I still remind her in person and via text how loved she is. I just wish it were enough”-

    – what happens is that when a child is not loved, she feels that she is not worthy of love. There is a time- limited window of opportunity for a child to believe that she is worthy of love. When that window closes, the words don’t reach her anymore. They are not enough.

    Your guilt.. I wonder if you felt guilty early on in your life, forming a core belief that you are responsible for making people happy, and that you are guilty if you fail to accomplish that?

    anita

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