My break up with a depressed addict

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    I am fairly new to this forum but I am currently going through some hard times. I just broke up with my on and off partner of 4 years about a month ago because of his lack of communication, depression, and addiction issues.  We met in college after he and I had both gone through a recent break up. I had feelings for him immediately when I met him. I had never felt chemistry like I had for him. I felt 100% comfortable around him and his presence made me feel like home. We just clicked in every way. We understood each other’s humor and wanted to spend every waking moment with each other. Things started to get rocky after a few months and I wanted to get more serious with him. He immediately called off the relationship saying that he couldn’t handle that at that point in his life because he was still recovering from his last relationship and our relationship was too intense for him. That obviously crushed me but I accepted it and moved forward remaining friends with him. After a few months we were seeing each other casually as friends on and off, and then we started a sexual relationship with no strings attached. That lasted for about a years and then we got into a serious relationship. I had noticed his issues with drugs and alcohol then, but we were in college so I didn’t think much of it. Every time we would get together he would have to drink something whether it be beer or hard liquor. He would also typically want to do some kind of drug. Me being young and a little bit wild I thought of it as fun and harmless. The relationship lasted until we got into a heated disagreement and we completely cut contact for 7 months. I was so angry but also so heartbroken, even after 7 months I wasn’t even close to being over him. During that 7 months I saw him with another woman and it completely crushed me, I cried all night and didn’t sleep. I had tried to move on, have one night stands or little flings with other people but nothing could possibly get him off my mind.


    Flash forward to last year around September, I get a text from him asking me how I was. I didn’t respond because I was still angry with him and also in a state of shock. He texted me until I answered him and I told him how angry we made each other and why he would even bother wanting to talk to me again. He told me it was because I was the best woman that he had ever been with in his life and that he would do anything to be with me again and treat me right this time around. I initially refused to believe him, but as time went on I agreed that we could be friends. After the first time we saw each other in months, we had sex later that night. Having sex with him again was like being trapped in closet for 10 years and finally getting to see the sunlight again. It was everything I had ever wanted I just wanted him back into my arms. I realized how in love with him I really was once I had lost him and he came back. After that night we decided to try and get back together into a relationship. The first few months were heavenly again we would cook together, go out to eat, watch movies,travel anything that we wanted to do we would do. But he still would always bring over beer when he would come over, or want to drugs for no reason on a week night. I would start asking him questions like “why do you still feel the need to come over with drinks all the time?” or “It’s only a Tuesday night and were watching a moving why do you need *insert drug*?”


    Then he started to get distant. He didn’t want to spend as much time with me as he used to. I would maybe see him about twice a week for a month or two. We also stopped having sex, he would still want to cuddle and kiss me and tell me how amazing I was and how much he loved me, but he just didn’t have it in him to have sex with me. He also didn’t want to see me past a certain time (usually around 9:30PM) and I was so confused and hurt. When I finally confronted him about sex and his distance, he claimed that he didn’t know what I was talking about and he needed space from me for a bit. I asked him how long and he said about a week then he would talk to me about things. I waited a week and then I texted him asking to talk again in person but no reply. I was so angry and hurt and felt worthless, I didn’t know what to do I was so worried about him, his friends had also told me he had been pushing them away too and he hadn’t been leaving his room unless it was to use the bathroom. I kept trying to get through to him and tell him that I was here to talk for whatever he needed and that I always will love him no matter what he was going through but I got no response.Finally after a week and half of trying to reach him I told him I couldn’t put myself through our relationship anymore. As much as I love and cared for him, I knew something was wrong and it was something he clearly couldn’t do with me. He replied back about 3 days later thanking me for being “so mature” about the situation and that he was only pushing away so that he wouldn’t try to find a way for us to stay together while he was in this state. He said that being with me was wonderful but he had serious depression and addiction issues to work through before he could treat anyone right and he was unintentionally taking my love for granted. He hoped that someday the two of us could reunite but it was just better for us to be apart for now than for us to be together.


    I am just left so confused and hurt and worried about him. He was my best friend and I would have done anything for him. He is such a depressed and lost soul and so addicted to these substances that I can only think the worst of whats going to happen to him. If anything does happen to him I will never forgive myself. I guess how do you move on and cope with the guilt of leaving a depressed addict? I can’t help but blame myself for feeling like I could have done more and also feeling like I enabled his behavior for so long. I wake up with the dread of it every morning and cry myself to sleep every night. I miss him so much and the only thing I wish for him is good health and happiness.

    Thank you for listening.


    From, Justice



    Dear Justice:

    “how do you move on and cope with the guilt of leaving a depressed addict?”- but you didn’t leave him. He left you, didn’t he?

    “I had feelings for him immediately when I met him”- you had feelings for him before you learned who he is: what he valued, what motivated him, and so on.

    “I had never felt chemistry like I had for him. I felt 100% comfortable around him and his presence made me feel like home”- nothing more intoxicating than the feeling of what we wish a home to be, what we wish it was.

    What about him triggered that feeling of home- could be something in the way he looked, something about his smile, or his voice, or his eyes.

    “I realized how in love with him I really was”- you were/ are in love with him. But notice: this in love feeling, this attachment and attraction, the home feeling, these started before you knew him and were fueled all along by something within you that was triggered, or activated, not by who he is.

    First there was the Feeling, then you liked a whole lot about him and about spending time with him, you paid attention to all the wonderful things about him and put out of your mind, best you could and for as long as you could, all the not so wonderful things about him.

    “He is such a depressed and lost soul and so addicted to these substances… I can’t help but blame myself for feeling like  I could have done more and also feeling like I enabled his behavior for so long”- reads like his liking of alcohol and drugs was independent of you.

    About “could have done more”- maybe you can volunteer for some agency that tries to help young drug addicts who are depressed, young people just like this man that your thread is about. There are so many lost souls. And although it is this one man that triggered your  in-love feelings, the other lost souls are of no less value and each one needs help.

    I hope to read more from you.



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