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My confession

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Anon 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #196795

    Anon
    Participant

    Dear forum.

    I am someone with deep depression and anxiety, I have many issues sleeping and I want to share my story. I may make several posts about things that have happened to me in my life just to get it out there so someone see's it, so someone understands what's going through my head. Although I'll start with what's bothering me the most right now because I genuinely feel like a monster.

    The story I'm about to tell you is 100% wrong in every single ways.

    About 12-13 years ago I was staying over at a friends house and that was a usual thing to happen, almost every weekend. Although one morning I got up and went into his little sisters room, who was about four or five at the time. I was about 14-15, so I was just hanging out and talking to her.  I lay down and put my head on her stomach area. I didn't touch her, I didn't do anything with her, I just lay there really.

    Although I moved myself around a little on her bed, but it wasn't because I'm attracted to her or anything.
    I moved around on her bed in a very inappropriate way, but I was not touching her or doing anything to her at all in any physical sense.

    I had forgotten all about this incident until just a few days ago, It just came back to me and I feel like a damn monster I know from an objective view point I didn't actually do anything to her like no damage and that but doesn't change the fact I done this and that makes me feel disgusting.

    Over the passed three-four years all my mistakes, regrets and guilt is catching up on me. I have made many mistakes in my life, fortunately nothing criminal, fortunately I didn't hurt anyone too bad. These are the positives I can take from it but it doesn't change how I feel about myself that I hate every fibre of myself for doing this.

    The person I'm speaking of right now is living a decent life. I'd never want anything to happen to her but I am more close to my friend and my friends father. I don't even know if the person remembers or knows what happened but nobody else does and I know the right thing is to tell the truth but is it worth bringing up old memories like that and causing pain to others? Should I just try and move on? I really don't know what to do.

    Although I'm thinking of going to my local GP and getting refereed to a councillor.

    Please don't judge me too harshly, I just want to make things right. I just want to live in peace, I'm not too interested in making new friends nor am I interested in sexual relationships At least not anymore. I had a relationship it was terrible, never again I just don't think I am the type of person who can have them.

    I have been mostly a loner all my life so I find it difficult.

    • This topic was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Anon.
    #196805

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Anon,

    your kinds word to me helped me a little so I hope my words help you. I was molested when I was young and I kept going back because that person gave me the attention my parents didn't give me. I am 35 and not a day goes by when I don't blame myself for it. But let me be clear, this man was touching me inappropriately and making me touch him. it was disgusting. what you said above doesn't sound inappropriate to me but I come from India where people are affectionate. I use to like an older boy (maybe 13 or 14) when I was young and if he ever picked me up or kissed me on my cheek, it made my day. I never think badly about that person as he was a sweetheart.

    I hope you can understand the contrast above. 1 man was a paedophilic and 1 was just an affectionate person.

    I hope this helps you a little.

    have a good day 🙂

    #196807

    Anon
    Participant

    Thank you for what you said. It gives some insight y'know. What I did was wrong yes but…it im not..a monster i know im not but I just feel like one.

    I hope you have a good day too.

    #196823

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anon:

    You were 14 or 15 year old boy, a teenager at the time. Almost every weekend you spent overnight at a friend's home, another teenage boy I assume. In a room close by was his 4-5 year old sister, alone in the room,  a parent or parents also in the home, correct?

    I hope parents are reading this, anyone reading this becomes aware of the danger in having teenage boys sleeping over, having access to little girls (and boys). And so, anyone reading this and aware of a situation like this happening someplace can warn the parents in that house. Visiting teenage boys should not have access to little significantly young girls or boys: the sexual urges of a teenage boy are not to be underestimated

    This very warning given by readers to others in their lives may be a positive result of your thread.

    From what you have shared, the details you shared about the incident, doesn't seem to me that damage was done to that girl: no sexual touching of her, or her touching you, no threats made by you, no aggression, no talking at all, no touching. And so, telling her or her parents about it is useless and possibly damaging to the girl. Let's say she has emotional difficulties at this time, if you tell her, she may think that that incident was the cause, thinking more happened than what did happen that particular night or during other nights you spent there, and that such is the cause of her emotional troubles. In so thinking, she will not attend to what did indeed cause her troubles.

    And so, not a good idea. You are motivated to make things right, you wrote. Well, one way is to increase parents' awareness, as I suggested you already did in the context of this very thread. Another is to heal yourself best you can, heal from your “deep depression and anxiety”. The healthier you are, the better you treat others. You earn self forgiveness by dedicating yourself to self healing and to the principle of do-no-harm today and every day.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #196837

    Anon
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    You are correct. I did not touch this person in any shape or form nor did they touch me. These people are still in my life today and well that makes it harder. I don't often see them in person anymore but that doesn't change what I done or how I feel.

    I know myself bringing this up and apologising will just make things worse, it may do more damage than harm so I won't be saying anything at all.

    I know myself I'm not a threat to anyone.

    At the time of the incident everyone else was home just we were alone the room. I made a very stupid and wrong mistake and I'm suffering for it now and some might say rightly so but I know I am deeply sorry for any damage I may have caused, its gut wrenching and I feel disgusting, unlike myself.

    The person in question is fine these days and when I am round there we're okay together. I probably didn't do anything which is lasting damage. She probably didn't know what was going on or even remember it but that's not the point.

    How do I move on and forgive myself for these acts?

    It's not the first time I've done lots of stupid mistakes when I was growing up and yeah some are worse than others in my mind, infact I find this one to be the worst out of my regrets, this one I've shared here.

    #196843

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anon:

    I am not surprised this incident seems worse t you than other mistakes. Sex has this kind of affect, making any wrongdoing or possible wrongdoing feel way worse than it was. People feel guilty for imagining having sex with a person close to them, only for imagining, for what never exited the distance between one's ears, never spoken or actualized.

    Are we guilty, do you think, of what we think and imagine, for example, imagining having a sexual interaction with someone we shouldn't, in real life, have such interaction, while never speaking of it or acting on it in any way?

    anita

    #196849

    Anon
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    No. If someone imagines something happening then its only in the head, it's a dream so to speak and yes I've had thoughts and feelings about things or people and yes I've felt guilty and bad for a while because of what my head has thought up, but I know with myself that's all those things as thoughts.

    I think I understand what you mean. Because of the nature of the incident I feel it's much worse than the other mistakes I've made in life.

    Y'know typing all this out and making a confession has I've worded it is my first step to recovery, I have been talking to someone about this about my feelings of guilt and shame for the things I've done throughout my childhood and teenage years.

    I do find this all very difficult to type out and reveal to the internet.

    There are lots of things that happened in my life. I also have bad feelings and feel dirty and disgusting at some of the things that have happened to me through my life. Although I think I may address these things in other posts and keep one post to the subject matter so it doesn't become one huge mess of confusion.

    I wish I could take all the things I have done to others back, I do want to move on and heal myself from all of this so I can live a peaceful life and somewhat happy. I understand there are many things I have to deal with and process to get a better understanding of the situations and myself, I just don't know how to do that and I don't really know where to start. Right now I'm thinking this is some sort of spiritual journey that I have to get through, I just need the door or the path in-front of me in order to do it.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  Anon.
    #196857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anon:

    I too have done things I regret, and if I could go back in time, I would and undo those things. I would make great efforts to go back in time so to undo, so to correct my past behaviors. I apologized to a few individuals and made amends, significant financial amends, but it didn't help me to forgive myself. I still believe making amends when damage was likely or certainly took place, is necessary. The way I finally was able to forgive myself was one and one only: my  healing process. It is that process that earned me my self forgiveness.

    Back to the specific topic of your thread, that incidence: if you believe that you are not guilty for thinking, imagining and feeling, for what is not actualized in behavior, for what exists only in your head (I believe so, definitely), then what if you do the following exercise, when you are calm and ready: peel off the thoughts, imagining, feelings you had and see only your behavior that night, only what you did (again, without the commentary of feelings and urges). You may have a different view of that night.

    After all, it is only what you did (not what you thoughts or felt) that could have affected the little girl.

    If you do this exercise, let me know how it goes, if you'd like.

    anita

    #196869

    Anon
    Participant

    I will try and and I will update this here and tell you how I get on.

    Funny thing is I didn't really have any urges. Like when what you said about imagining things and feeling guilt for it, yes I've had guilt on simple thoughts I've had with no actions behind them but normally I can put that behind me because I know it's not something I'd ever do or something that would ever happen.

    I do seek to forgive myself and seek to move passed everything and sort of start fresh and just get on with it really. Although I think this is something everyone wants.

    What I have been doing currently as lets say treatment or healing. I got through the entire situation of what happened that morning and I ask myself several questions such as “Did I hurt them?” No. “Did I touch them” no.  I go through a series of questions to reassure myself and tell the story to myself again.

    Is this what you mean by peeling off the thoughts without the commentary?

     

    #196875

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anon:

    You already asked yourself these questions (paragraph before last) and answered them before starting this thread, haven't you? And you felt momentarily relief as a result but did not resolve the issue, correct?

    What I suggested earlier is to imagine that night like a movie, a silent movie, no commentary, no music, no special effects, just what happened. A dry memory, no colors either.

    anita

    #196877

    anita
    Participant

    * didn't reflect under Topics

    #196881

    Anon
    Participant

    I'll try doing that and update you on how it goes. I'll try anyway.

    #196895

    anita
    Participant

    Looking forward to your update, Anon.

    anita

    #197005

    Anon
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    I tried what you suggested but I didn't really feel any different about it. I still feel like a monster because of it. When I was in bed last night I imagined a camera in the room and as if I was watching through a camera. All I did was like go through the steps “walk into the room” etc etc. I didn't like speak to myself or anything like this I just went through the steps and like I said I didn't really feel any different about it.

    I had to go to my usual method to calm me down and y'know use the question I ask myself to bring me down. Although I think part of the problem is I feel as if I don't deserve forgiveness even though from a logical standpoint what I done was really weird and inappropriate but as I said nobody was hurt and like you said probably no damage was done. Even knowing this from a logical stand point I still feel horrible and I think I know why. I think it's simply because how young the person is that was involved in this incident.

    I'm very aware that things won't change overnight,  maybe not even anytime soon. but regardless I don't feel as bad right now as I did over the passed few days I'm not sure if that's because I've accepted what happened as a really messed up situation I got myself into, accepted I was just young teenager who made a horrible mistake. I also think writing all of this out helped a little as well.

    I do have moments throughout the day that I'm feeling really bad because of this, I mean worse than I usually feel about it just an overwhelming feeling of dread is the best way to describe it.

    As a final note I'm not sure if I done your exercise correctly though and I was thinking I may not be ready for that exercise but I don't know.

    All I can do right now is write down my thoughts and feelings about the situation.

    Thank you Anita, I hope to hear from you soon.

    Thanks to anyone else who reads, hope someone takes something from it.

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