Firstly I thank Lori for “Tiny Buddha” and starting this forum. Now I can share my thoughts and feelings which I wanted to do for so long but couldn’t find the right channel till now.
I am 28 years old man. I belong to highly conservative community. My life was normal until I met him last year. Since then things have changed. I fell in love with him. I don’t know how and why, but it happened. He belongs to a different community which is also very conservative. I don’t know how he feels about me. I don’t know much about him. He already has a girl in his life. I really like him and I am obsessed with him. I don’t know if my feeling for him is really a love or just an attraction or an obsession?

I wish I could forget him and concentrate on my works. But thought about him creeps into my mind from nowhere. I always have been shy, introverted and non-aggressive since my childhood. I had a crush on a girl some 7-8 years back. But due to my shyness and lack of courage I could not tell her that. Now she is with another man in a stable relation. Before and after I met her, several other girls came in my life, but I was never attracted to them. I was never attracted to other man either. It was just like I had forgotten or was unaware about love and attraction. I was neutral. Then suddenly he appeared in my life (last year) and I fell for him. He and my first crush are the only two persons for whom I felt such attraction and obsession. Now I am very confused about my feelings.

My Parents and siblings are very loving and supportive. But I haven’t told them about this. I am the eldest among my siblings. So I have responsibility to protect my family and its honour (In my country Family’s honour is given much importance and people are ready to kill or die to protect/save it). I fear that if anybody else comes to know about whatever is going on in my mind, I will be in a big trouble along with my family. In my country homosexuality is illegal. So I am scared to think that I am a Gay. I want to believe that I am just confused and one day I will meet the right women of my life. But then, what about my feelings for him? I cannot deny that also. My mind is totally messed up now.

Now I am left with many questions like, should I tell him about my feelings or should I wait for my feelings for him to subside? Am I gay or just confused? If I am gay and if I come out, then won’t it be a selfish act at the cost of my family’s honour? Isn’t it better if I never tell him and try my best to forget about him and so on. I am scared to move ahead in this path. I don’t know what I want anymore.

He has gone for work outside the country for two months. So I have two months to think and do something to bring the things in right perspective and sort out everything. I really want to move on. What can I do ?

• This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by senyi. Reason: I want to express my gratitude to Lori