Dear Candice88,

it’s hard to be creative and make music when there’s someone else in the apartment with me.

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

The only thing where I can understand him is that he wants to make music (because that’s his job and he likes it), and that he needs a private space (a garage) to do it. And perhaps also that he works best in the night because that’s when his inspiration comes. If he is a musician, these are usually the conditions, and I guess you can’t expect him to work 9-5 and then be home for the evening.

However, being a musician doesn’t justify his other unreliable and immature behavior, such as promising and then forgetting to show up, or lying about things etc. And also, what is he doing in his car for hours? It seems like as a way to escape spending time with you…

I’ve had more than just the two 2 bad relationships, and I’m 28 now. I really don’t want to go back to being optimistic, hopeful, and open to another person, because I’ve always been let down pretty hard. Lately I’ve been softer and more vulnerable with M, like when we got together, because the therapist told me too in order to give M the opportunity to prove himself.

I guess you gave him the benefit of the doubt. You’ve been tolerating his neglectful and lousy behavior for quite a while, and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible (And it’s honestly maddening to be looking him in the eyes and tell him, for the twentieth time), with only occasional outbursts of anger. As a side note, the latter was the only thing that actually made him change his behavior – temporarily. But he’d do it reluctantly, resenting you and blaming you for not being tolerant enough.

Anyway, you’ve been practicing empathy and understanding (a softer approach), as a way of self-development. And you’ve been doing pretty well. But now it’s time to stop practicing it with M, because with M, empathy and patience only means he’s going to continue treating you badly. And no amount of explaining or pleading or therapy seems to help change his behavior. Only your anger helps for a short while, but it’s not an honest change but a way to appease you and reduce tensions.

Being more empathetic and patient is a good quality, but it won’t lead you anywhere with M. It will only lead to more abuse and neglect. That’s why you “end up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused”.

Soft, vulnerable, open, understanding, patient…. doesn’t work with M, it only hurts more. However, it is necessary for a healthy, committed intimate relationship. Those qualities are essential, but not to be practiced with people who don’t deserve it. With people whom you need to protect yourself from, rather than open up even more.

I have my lease for October, I’m moving out soon…but after that I’m not really expecting anything good to happen anymore. I’ve had many friends actually tell me “Maybe you have to come to terms that you’ll never find someone who deserves you.”. Which has been…hard to hear.

Those friends of yours aren’t helping you… maybe they don’t know what to say, and this is the easiest to say (besides “don’t worry, things will get better”). These 2 relationships, and those before them, helped you grow. You’ve grown a lot in the relationship with M. You’re only 28. You said you’d like to have children some day – well, you’ve got at least five more years to have your first child. You’ve got plenty of time to find a good guy. You aren’t late for anything and you’ve got plenty to hope for.

In one month you’ll be out of the flat and out of the toxic relationship with him. That’s when you can close the door to old and abusive, and open the door to new and healthy. As I said, you’re just beginning…

Dear Candice88,

I absolutely want him to pursue his passion of music, and I don’t want to get I’m the way of that. But if I didn’t say anything, he would make music 11pm-7am, then either pass out or get to work late for some other reason, come home late because of that, repeat. He has lost many jobs with these habits, and since he’s lied so much about his drug abuse it’s hard to tell what is healthy music making and what is meth induced obsession.

I see… so he has a day job, and making music is his passion, which he does in his spare time. In that case, I see how him spending nights in the garage, “making music”, can be harmful to both his livelihood, his health, as well as your relationship.

We made a compromise last year that he would tell me ahead of time “hey, this is a music night so don’t expect me to be present”. I said I’d love half of the nights each week to share a bed with him. He has YET to use that system we agreed to, instead telling me he’s coming then never come.

Yes, that would make sense: 1) to organize his day so he can create music and yet not stay up the whole night, and 2) if he absolutely needs to stay up late, to limit it to one or two nights a week, e.g. Friday and Saturday night, when he doesn’t have to go to work. If he absolutely refuses to stick to any kind of agreement, and just does as he pleases (and causes harm to both of you in the process), it’s not a relationship because he totally disregards you.

In his car he is on his phone, smoking his cigarettes while texting people and watching videos.

He wants to stay away from your “criticism”, I guess. It’s like a teenage boy hiding in his room from his mother… Well, I think you stayed long enough with him, trying to work out a compromise, trying to be patient and understanding… but nothing worked. If you want good for yourself, you’ll stop trying and simply wait till October 1 to move out, and never look back…  A big lesson learned, hopefully not to be repeated…

As for S, I think this is very true about him:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

Yes. He for some reason was super kind and loving to you when you met, he “admitted his mistakes” and professed he still loved you, but that he won’t act on it, since both of you are with other people. To his credit, though, he did email you afterwards, stating you can’t be together:

Then he emailed me reinstating that we cannot be in each other’s lives at any capacity for the foreseeable future, which I know is the mature move.

So he sort of gave you closure, he told you it’s not going to happen between the two of you. But I understand your drive to write him nevertheless and explain how you feel, specially since now you know that you’ll be leaving M, so things have changed on your side.

Anyway, he seems to remember things differently now: he is claiming that it was you who pursued him, and you who made him behave disrespectfully towards his girlfriend. And you who caused him anxiety. As if he never opened the door for you, with these words:

he told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each other’s minds, how we are each other’s “big ex”, the relationship we always wanted to work out. He said “it should be you with me”, and “I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you”.

When I first read these words, they sounded fake. This is what I wrote you back then: I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. And I still believe this to be true. He was faking his kindness and “love”, wanting to appear mature and not an a**hole like you remembered him. That’s probably why he insists on being friends with his exes:

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

He probably hates to be seen as a bad guy, as the guilty party, so he tries his best to smear over his past actions with some syrupy stuff. And that’s what he did when he met you too. His words were syrupy and fake: We are both on each other’s minds.  We are each other’s “big ex”. It should be you with me. I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you.

I believe he wanted to create an image of himself as this kind, loving, wonderful guy, but didn’t think you would fall for it. That’s why he is now “frustrated about your dependence on him.” He didn’t want you to fall in love with him and start demanding things from him – he only wanted you to see him in a positive light. He only wanted to white-wash his image.

But why does seeing me once cause him so much stress? I see it as, once again, a sign that he’s not over me. And is scapegoating me as the antagonist in his life, as opposed to his own actions and emotions he needs to work through.

You cause him distress because you want things from him, which he cannot and doesn’t want to give you. He is scapegoating you because he doesn’t want to admit that his sleazy and lying words caused you to start having hopes about him again. His strategy backfired. It’s exactly what you said:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

He messed up with your emotions again, being insincere and lying about his feelings, having no intention to be with you, but only to white-wash his image. This is my impression of him.

Dear Candice88,

He feels guilty about the way he acted when we were together, so maybe he gushed all of those emotions at me to make me crack and tell him it’s okay, that he’s clean in my books (which I didn’t do).

Well, based on what you said about him in your latest post, perhaps he doesn’t even feel guilty for how he treated you back then, but was rather worried about his image, about your and other people’s opinion of him, and that’s why he now sold you the story that you mean to him much more than you actually do. I mention other people’s opinions too, because you said that he talked with a mutual friend and that she told him he messed up:

A mutual friend confirmed that he regretted the break up months after it happened, and that she told him how he messed up.

His ego couldn’t handle that people think badly of him. So he tried to change this. He told you how he regrets his actions not because he truly regrets them, but so that you would change your opinion of him. That you would see him in a better light. Which means he is a manipulator.

And that is a good comment about him staying friends with his exes – his exes never had feelings for him, really. They were all one night stands or a week of sex with female friends as they took breaks from their boyfriends. And those all ended with the girls saying “that was fun, let’s go back to just friendship now, don’t take it personally”.

Earlier you said he made you stay friends with his exes:

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

Does it mean he made you be friends with his one-night stands and his friends with benefits? How did that function?

I must say, the more I read about the guy, the less I like him. You are much better off that he isn’t reciprocating your feelings and doesn’t want you in his life. How are you feeling about it?

Regarding M, him being in the car is definitely similar to a teenager avoiding their parents in their room. And just for more information, the computer to make his music isn’t in his garage, it’s in the living room. So he just goes out to his garage to do….things (previously meth). For hours. Then comes in to start his music hours after he said he would, usually after midnight, and spends the whole night at the computer. That clarification isn’t too important, but it does explain why the garage is a place of stress for me when he disappears there for such a long time.

It is important, because I thought he was making music in his garage… but if he does it on the computer in the living room, then when he disappears to the garage, no wonder you freak out… Do you think he might be still using, when he disappears to his car or garage, or he is clean now?

You have been so supportive, and offered me so much solid advice and comforting words.

You are very welcome, Candice, I am glad it helped you.

After M, I worry about the lasting effects. I worry that I will miss red flags, and withhold love for a new partner (very much not my style) in fear that a year down the road I will discover they have been lying either through denial/lack of self awareness or manipulation. The last 7 years of my life have been coloured by 3 men like this, 2 of which have drastically affected my life and mental health.

I understand your trepidation. Perhaps if you could list those red flags, which you are aware of now, but weren’t at the time – it would help you get clarity on what to pay attention to. Now looking back, what were the behaviors that were fishy to you and you didn’t like about them, and it later turned out you were right because the guy was a liar or a manipulator?

Dear Candice88,

I am really sorry that things took a turn for worse with M. But to be honest, it was to be expected, since M’s habits and lifestyle could easily allow him to keep using. This is what you wrote just recently:

I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone,

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

He was spending nights away from home, and hours and hours in his car, away from you. That’s very suspicious. Have you ever checked on him when he was in his car btw?

You said a couple of times that he lies often:

I didn’t believe him (he lies often)

he’s lied so much about his drug abuse

You knew about his propensity to lie, but you wanted to believe that this time, he’s not lying – even if everything suggested that he was. You wanted to believe that this time it would be different, and that he’d finally give you the love you craved.

That’s your inner child, Candice. The child hopes against all hope that the parent will finally change and give them the love they long for. You’ve stopped hoping to get love from your mother, instead you’re hoping to get it from your boyfriends. And so far, you’ve been attracted to people who are unlikely to be able to give you proper love. You’ve been attracted to cheaters and addicts. You wanted to “save” M, so he can finally love you. It’s the same dynamic as with your mother.

Don’t beat yourself up for this, Candice, but just be aware of it. Your childhood wound is what makes you attracted to these  lousy men who are unable to love you. You are hoping and trying, believing their lies, believing it’s your fault that they can’t love you…  because that’s what the little girl in you believes: that it’s her fault that her mother doesn’t love her. That she isn’t worthy enough, that she is trash.

I hate myself for still loving him. I feel like trash for still having feelings for someone who treated me like trash.

Let’s rephrase this: The little girl in you still has the need to be loved, and she is willing to do anything to get love from someone who reminds her of her mother. Don’t blame her for loving him, rather – heal her. Instead of helping this unworthy men “heal”, you’d need heal her first.

He is 10 minutes away from me. I don’t trust that I will be strong enough to stay away, as everyone keeps telling me to do.

The little girl most probably won’t be strong enough. That’s why you, the adult Candice, should help her and reassure her. You’d need to give her love, so that she isn’t craving it from unworthy men.

How does this sound to you?

I just want to add – good that you’re getting tested for STD.

And I am also glad your feelings for S have mostly resolved, and that you’ve realized you don’t need him in your life.

Dear Candice88,

Except 3/4 of my boyfriends presented as stable, put together, healed. I was never attracted to someone who needed to be fixed, yet they eventually showed themselves as people who don’t know themselves. Or know how to lie and what people want to hear. I always felt fooled when their toxicity reared up after a slow reveal.

Right. Your initial attraction might have been to men that seemed put together and healed. But when you realized they are not, you still stayed with them. At least that’s what happened with M. He was treating you poorly, he’s been promising things and never kept his word, he told you he quit using in April but his behavior hardly changed. And yet, you kept hoping that he isn’t lying, that he’d change eventually. And even now, when you’ve found out he is still using, you believed that perhaps there is a way to get together again, once he gets sober:

Before I learned about the cheating, I felt more balanced – that if he gets sober long term maybe we can try again if I feel like it could work.

You wanted desperately to be with him, even though you knew what he was like. You’d rather not see the warning signs (even when they were out in plain sight) than accept that this guy will never be able to truly love you and respect you, and that he doesn’t deserve your love. Do you see that?

It’s not about the initial attraction, it’s about the inability to let go of a toxic person when their toxicity becomes obvious. This inability to let go of toxic love is due to the little girl unable to let go of her need for her mother. It’s very natural that the girl wouldn’t want to let go, because staying attached is a survival need. This same need was active with M: the little girl would do anything to stay attached (i.e. save the relationship). She’d even look away and pretend she doesn’t see things. And she’d convince herself that it’s her fault that he can’t love her properly. She wasn’t willing to let go of him, even if he was treating you like trash.

So the real challenge is not in the beginning of the relationship, but when the troubles start (and the lies and manipulations) – what do you do then? Do you try saving the relationship at all costs, allowing yourself to be manipulated and disrespected, or you say – farewell, I am not tolerating this, I deserve better. And you step away, without looking back.

Dear Candice88,

Another thing to point out is how the toxicity wasn’t let out of the bag all at once. … I was the one that noticed that it was addiction – he never admitted to that before the last 6 months.

When did he start behaving suspiciously? When did you suspect first that something is off and that he might be hiding something?

I completely understand that the addiction has nothing to do with me. Before yesterday I was upset but at peace with the ball being in his court and never expecting to hear that he got sober in the end.

But the cheating is what is tearing me apart. The cheating is what is telling me that I’m not good enough. And that something is inherently wrong with me.

Right. So you attributed all of his bad behavior to his being an addict, and not because you’ve deserved any of it. So you didn’t feel bad about yourself. But once you’ve found out that he cheated on you, you suddenly felt it was because of some failure in you. That you’re not good enough or desirable enough. You didn’t think that his cheating (and being attracted to trans girls) is also contributed by his drug addiction? And if it were, would you feel better about yourself?

Or, as an option B, that his cheating is caused by him being a lousy person in general, regardless of his drug use or not. And again, that it has nothing to do with you?