My Ex is a Sociopath

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    Hi everyone,

    I really need some feedback and support, so I decided to reach out here. I have been practicing meditation for a few years. I love the lessons of Buddhism and the message that we all contain basic goodness. I believe this of everyone, even people who do awful things.

    Here’s my dilemma. My ex-boyfriend is a sociopath, and he is hell-bent on destroying me. Not just me, actually, but his two sons’ mothers as well. He hates us with all his heart. He constantly drags us to court, and does anything in his power to make us miserable. He is now a career criminal, having been convicted of 6 felonies. I broke up with him 2 1/2 years ago, and after having done so, I turned him in for two of those felonies. Ever since, he will stop at nothing to get revenge. He has sued me twice for the recovery of furniture and other things, and is claiming I owe him $40,000. None of this is true. It seems like any judge would laugh him out of the court room, but it’s not that simple. I have to spend tons of money I don’t have simply to defend myself. I am a single working mom making under $30,000 a year. How can anyone sue me, when I have nothing to give? Why can’t he just move on?

    I’m asking for help in reconciling my beliefs in compassion and basic goodness with my feelings of dread when facing this coward. Any feedback or similar experiences would be of tremendous help. Thank you so much!

    Pip Bonham


    I have been reading Tiny Buddha for well over eight months and your posting was the first to push me to register to reply. Congratulations on having the courage to break free of your sociopath boyfriend two and a half years ago. That is difficult and challenging at its best. Unless people have walked in your shoes, they don’t really realize how difficult it really is to break free. I was married to a sociopath for 6 years but we were together for 11 so I know your struggles. You inquired how you move on and get away? The best advice I can give you is, as much as you feel the need to right society and uphold the law, it would be best if possible to turn your back and walk away. The more that you continue to push, the more you continue to involve yourself in his life in any way, shape, or form, you continue on some level to antagonize him. He doesn’t have normal thinking so he will continue to look at it in a negative way and continue to seek revenge. You don’t need this for yourself or your children. Just leave him alone. Do not read his mail; do not take his phone calls; do not visit with him; do not speak with him; do not leave or listen to voicemails. Just have no interaction with him. Only then, when you finally remove him from all aspects of your life, will you truly be able to move on and find peace. I know it’s hard. The first three months that you do this, those will be the hardest 3 months. But once you’re on the other side, you’ll find distance and peace.

    One other thing, a sociopath is not like other people. They don’t have the same mindset, they don’t have the same compassion and empathy, they just operate on an entirely different level. You shouldn’t judge all people by this one bad person. I don’t believe that sociopaths are entirely at fault. I think somewhere in their life, somebody did them wrong and it just tripped a switch. I think with counseling, with medication, with the right team of people, they can find help but you’re not that person to help them. I am sure that you have good people around you; compassionate people who love you and care about you with honesty. Those are the people that you should continue to interact with. And continue to seek inspiration from Tiny Buddha


    Hi Jamie,
    I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Your situation sounds really hard and I can only imagine the stress you must be feeling. I felt I had to respond even if it was just to let you know that I am thinking of you in this difficult time. I do not have experience of dealing with people with sociopathic tendencies so please take what I say as you wish.

    I am with you that I believe in the potential of everyone, even those that do awful things, but they have to be willing to do something about it themselves and that is out of your control. Perhaps your ex behaves in a cowardly way and seeks revenge because he is unable to forgive himself for his felonies (or his past) and so it is much easier to put the blame for the way he feels onto someone else. The fear he may feel can be easier to deal with if he puts that on to others, it may make him feel more in control of his own fears then. What ever his motives the situation is not good for you and despite being a compassionate person it is not your responsibility to help him. He needs to help himself and would probably actually resist any external help anyway.

    As to what to do about your own situation I do not have any answers but I believe in something that the author Deepak Chopra says in his book Self Power that the level of the problem is never the level of the solution, that rather than resisting or reacting to a situation there may be another way entirely of looking at it.

    I wish you well and hope that you can find a way to detach yourself from this situation and move on with your own life. Take care.


    Thank you so much for the response. I’m glad I found this forum. I knew there had to be other people who have had similar experiences. The crazy thing is that I actually haven’t spoken to him or seen him in 2 1/2 years. However, he just won’t leave me alone, and is always trying to sue me. I’m sure there’s some kind of lesson I am supposed to learn from all of it, but it so exhausting and stressful. Anyway, thanks again for sharing, and I’m very glad to hear you got out your bad situation as well.


    Thank you, Simon. Any good thoughts and words of wisdom are so greatly appreciated. I definitely think you’re right about how and why he places blame on me and his other exes.


    Hi Jamie,
    I feel for you and I am very sorry for you or anyone who has shared time with a sociopath. After reading and reading to find a positive way to interact with my sons x-girlfriend, and mother of his infant son, I know that a complete cutting off is best. However, in your situation, he is pursuing you in a way that forces you to deal with him. My son’s situation forces him to be at his x’s mercy. I have many horrific stories I can share of what she has done to my son. From filing restraining order to giving birth and my son has still not been able to see his baby boy.
    What I have read is that the only thing that will stop a sociopath from victimizing you is when the fun is over with you and they find a new victim. The best book I have read is Dr. Phil’s book titled, “Life Code.” Please read this book.
    The other thing is to “Out” them. Find ways to expose their tactics to people that they wouldn’t want to know what they’re really about.
    Sociopaths have no conscience. They have no empathy. They feel no guilt or shame, they just switch to a new victim. They will play their therapist. They’re very skilled at manipulating. It is a dangerous relationship to be in or to be parented by a sociopath.
    I have lived my life to give love to evil and Love always conquers evil. I taught all 4 of my children this same value. The problem is that I didn’t know how to identify these types of people and to prepare myself or my children to be cautious, or that these people really exist. We are all givers in our family and she saw my son and our entire family as a huge win. She is driving my son into a mental breakdown. He cries for hours everyday. He begs her to see and hold his son. She’s in heaven having so much power.
    This book Dr. Phil wrote is a must in teaching us a new code to live by.
    I continue to conquer evil with good! My values haven’t changed, I just am aware of the signs of behavior that I must avoid for safety. I hope you are able to share your experiences with others so that more people become aware that sociopaths are very skilled and we must be mindful.
    I hope the best for you!!



    I have pulled away a little from the forum to introvert but your suffering compells me to reply. I know this suffering really well, first hand, the whirlwind of emotion and thought a sociopath can put a soul in is like nothing else. There is no logic, no reason, no emphaty, no compassion, it is unthinkable. Having gone through 3 years of dealing with someone like this, I will agree with Pip and say what was my saving grace was to control myself, namely not read what he wrote, not respond, not offer anything he could grab on to and continue with his behavior. I also had to release my reigns so to say and trust those around me, my parents, my lawyer, the courts, and let them respond succinctly keeping him away from me. When you find youself in this kind of nightmare, it is so important to self-nurture as much as you can. In a way find normalcy and joy in your life independent of this individual. Try to look at it as just another bump to cross, as hard as this may be, once you shift your thinking a little bit, the feelings of peace will start to come. If you nurture yourself so, you will be able to remain strong and calm when you do have to deal with him. When he sees that he no longer has power over you, he will start to pull away, you will become “boring, not a challenge.” My heart goes out to you, dear sister, but your light is strong, you will get past this, just as I have.

    To expand on what HeidiPaz said, here is a small tip on how to identify these types of people. Listen to your heart, the gut heart. When a heart is so full of compassion these dark creatures are drawn to this light like moths to a flame. They tell lies, but they can’t “feel” like a normal person feels. One thing that was a clue for me was when my heart opened up to him, he did not see it, he continued to “work” on me with his lies. If I had listened to this tiny hunch, and if I had known this type of person existed, I would have run from him. The past cannot be changed and I am grateful for any experience that comes my way because it helps me grow and mold into the person that I am now, and share with others here and there 🙂

    May you have peace, may you have strenght, may you keep joy in your heart.

    With light and warmth,


    Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Sociopaths LOVE to use children to manipulate others. It’s despicable to think that another human being could use innocent children in such a flippant way. I feel that I hate sociopaths for that reason. If my ex wants to ruin me, fine. I can fight it. But the way he has used his children to manipulate others is appalling, it’s and impossible to wrap my head around. All I can say, is karma will show little mercy on these types of people. They have a long hard journey ahead of them. Please stay strong, and know that your son has support, empathy and good thoughts coming his way! Best to you!


    Thank you, Helen, for the kind and powerful words. It sounds like you’ve experienced exactly what I’ve been through. You have a great perspective, and I will take it to heart. Thank you so much for sharing!!


    My first ex is a sociopath as well. I lived with him for 10 years. It was 10 years of living in a vortex, where all is controlled by someone that has no empathy, no compassion, and I find no conscience at all. He is the father of my oldest son who is now 21 years. When my son was 4 years old, I escaped him to save my life, with him chasing me on the street terrorizing me. My son was asleep at the time. I went to call the police and told them what was going on. They did not believe me, and told me that my son was in a secure environment, and I would have to go to court. I was appalled, my ex is a cocaine addict as well and violent, but they said that they had no proof. I had in the past put charges against him but he talked me out of it, being all sweet and all. If only I would have known that it would bite me later on. I have lost custody of my son and have had no contact with him since he was 14 years old. I have gone to court for 10 years trying to gain custody of him, but his father alienated him against me, so he told me he wants to be with his father. After 15 years of separation on the eve of my sons’ 21 birthday I wrote on my wall that I missed him and wished to see him one day. Basically just a call to the universe, and he responded. He left me 45 comments and 15 messaged all of them very nasty with name calling and threats as well on me and my youngest son. I desperately wanted to do something about it, so I called my lawyer, and she advised me to let it go there was not really anything I could do, because it would only give him more fuel, and torment for me. So I blocked him but he is still mocking me by saying he is with his son and I could drop dead and he would be happy. I have learned to live with the heartache and go forward by taking a small positive step forward every day, but the emotional scars remain. I am now at peace with myself and much stronger woman. But I agree with Helen, people with a good heart are their perfect victims. They will mirror everything that you want, and once they have you they will project to others everything they hate about themselves. I wish you the best of luck, and yes you have to let go for your own sanity.


    I have only recently learned about the sociopathic disorder. I was in a relationship with one too. I stopped all contact with him and he went everywhere scandalizing and tarnishing my name. He would talk to my friends about our sex ( needless to say, I dropped those friends too) These people are so so ruthless and hard to detect! I realized that all my exes were sociopaths too! So were my parents and siblings. It was why my life was so painful and ping-ponging all over.

    Now that I am sociopath free ( I detached physically from all of them) I realize that having narcissistic sociopathic parents as a child, led me to relationships with sociopaths. I am trying to use guided meditations to get out of this mental funk. I feel so much better and optimistic about me and about life. Detaching physically and mentally works for these people.

    My best advice is to get legal advice, surely someone cannot get away by just suing you all the time. It seems to be his last hold on you. If you can stop him from the suing you, you will be at peace again. Involve the cops, sociopaths apparently are very fragile scared people. Rebuff him through the system, I am sure it can be done. When he sees an authority coming at him, he will long gone.

    Sue Smith

    I’m going through the exact same situation and it’s eerily similar, however, I’m currently with an individual much like you described and not sure how to handle the situation.


    Hello Jaime,
    I have no words of wisdom for you unfortunately, but I did want you to know you are not alone.
    I was married to a sociopath for 23 years and only escaped 3 years ago after his diagnosis.
    Your post and many of the replies brought me to tears.
    I’m trying to put my life back together and heal from living so long with someone so broken.
    Something that has helped me a great deal are the online lectures on Youtube about sociopathy and there may be some answers for you there.
    My heart goes out to you and everyone that has suffered by having these people in their lives.
    I actually don’t think of them as human, as I believe our ability to have empathy and compassion for all living things define us.
    I see them as monsters masquerading as human.
    I’m not sure I will ever heal from the 23 years I was with my ex-husband and it has definitely changed me.
    Somehow, someway, I want something good to come of it and I pursue that as a goal in my life.
    I’m sending you healing thoughts and strength.
    Kindest regards,
    Janie B.



    I just registered on this site after reading this thread. Hopefully you have found some relief with the good advice given back in January. I felt it necessary to comment as we share the same plight in common. If you are still seeking out answers, I strongly urge you to check this website http://www.lovefraud.com . I consulted with the owner and founder, Donna Anderson who greatly helped me in knowing what to expect from my sociopathic predator in terms of litigation process he was dragging me through. The site can provide you with many valuable resources and stories from other victims you will identify with. I wish you the best in a rough journey that will find a peaceful end and that the joy in your life will be restored. I’m still in the waiting process, however determined to never allow the predator any satisfaction in his pursuit to “rob” me of more than just my money, but my soul…You are in the same healing process and hope whatever channels you find to support your effort will help to prevail.



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