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My family says they won't go out in public with me

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  • #35865
    Simon
    Participant

    First let me say that I am a female-to-male transgender. I have been on testosterone patches for eight month with very minimal changes. After much research and talking with other transmen, I have learned that patches do tend to start off changes very slowly, so I am going to discuss with my doctor the possibility of switching to injections.

    However, I am hesitant.

    My family (parents, really–brother’s a teen and can’t be bothered with anyone besides his friends and my sister, whom I don’t get along with anyway, lives in Chicago) are the only people I hang out with. Specifically my mom–her and I are very close. She told me when I first came out to her about being trans that when I start looking and sounding more masculine, she will not go out in public with me. She says “I respect your limits of not listening to me and not doing this, so you need to respect my limit when I say I won’t be seen with you.”

    It hurts, but I know that she’s right–I do have to respect her limits. But at the same time, I know it’s going to affect our relationship a few months down the line when my voice is deeper and I have facial hair. I am also worried that she will see the changes happening and tell my father to call their insurance companies (which I am still on) and have them remove my testosterone from their plans, if that is possible, I’m not sure. I know they discussed it in the past but, thankfully, it never came to pass.

    I do try to keep in mind how lucky I am that my parents still even talk to me. My mom has made it perfectly clear that no matter what I do or what I look like, her feelings for me will not change in the slightest. But I wish they would support me. She won’t even listen when I try to tell her that I was born this way. For her–and many Christians–the discussion ends with, “You’re a girl because God doesn’t make mistakes.”

    Anyway, I just needed to vent. It has helped 🙂

    #35898
    Nicole
    Participant

    Hi, Simon! I think it’s really awesome that you are able to express your hurt about your family’s reaction without giving into anger. That must be really hard. I just want you to know that there are lots of people in the world who love and respect trans people specifically *because* they are border-crossers. I am one of those people! Hopefully, with time, your family will see your transition for the beautiful journey that it is. If they don’t, I urge you to surround yourself with people who do. The universe needs people like you in it.

    #35899
    barbpolan
    Participant

    I agree with Nicole – it is awesome that you’re not angry, bitter and lashing out at the rejection and lack of support you’ve received from your family. You have managed to take the compassionate/Christian route when those who raised you refuse to. I think Nicole is also correct suggesting that you find supportive and respectful friends. Has it occurred to your mother that if God doesn’t make mistakes, you are NOT a mistake? But maybe a trail-blazer who will smooth the way for those yet to come. All the best to you.

    #35925
    GreatWhiteGoddess
    Participant

    I’m sorry you are going through that with your loved ones Simon. Saying they support you but then making you feel bad about what you have to do to lead your authentic life is not really support at all. Please ask your mom to read this, I don’t know if you are gay or not gay as I do understand that gender has nothing to do with sexuality. But, I do love the whole, I love you if you do what I want aspect of it. I do hope that things turn out, keep your head up.

    http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

    #35926
    Mandy
    Participant

    My son came out as female to male transgender in August 2011. He’s been on T injections since January 2012, and is doing really well with the injections. I don’t think anyone would misinterpret him as female now. I am so very grateful that we live in a community that supports these transitions so well. He’s so much happier, more confident, more at peace with himself and the world.

    I understand your parents to some extent. The hardest part of the transition was telling everyone – neighbours, family, co-workers, friends. I got no negative reactions at all, but it is hard to initiate such a private discussion on such a public level. We’re using to dealing with issues like sex and gender privately, in the home or doctor’s offices. It’s hard to put your family’s private life out there in the public eye, and have those emotional discussions over and over again, but we got better at it with time. Once that step is done, your family can focus on supporting you. As parents, we need to remember that it isn’t about us or our needs, any more than it was about us at 2 am when one of the kids had a stomach flu – you do what you need to do to protect your kids.

    The adjustment in pronouns was another challenge – it’s mostly just about habit, but your parents may need some time to grieve for the daughter that is going away before they can fully embrace you as their son. It seems strange, but that grieving process needs to take place. If you can give them some of the reading material that’s available, it may help them to read about other parent’s experiences. Let me know if you want links or other info. We’ve found some great suppliers for things like binders in Canada.

    You have immense courage and compassion, and I hope that your family can find those strengths in themselves as well. Know that, no matter what, you are an amazing person who deserves to live a life that is honest and true to yourself.

    #35927
    GreatWhiteGoddess
    Participant

    I wish there were more parents in the world with your love and understanding Mandy, you are amazing.

    #36016
    Simon
    Participant

    Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the encouragement. And it is amazing to hear that I am reacting with compassion 🙂 My parents do so much for me, particularly now. I developed some health issues and had to quit my job about a year ago, and now they are ‘stuck’ paying all my bills. Some parents wouldn’t do that, particularly with their child being transgender, so I am very fortunate that they are willing to help me. Granted, my conditions have nothing to do with me being trans, but still.

    Mandy, I don’t believe my parents will ever accept me. I know that many trans people say that about their parents, but my parents would refuse simply out of spite LOL. “I said I wasn’t going to call her ‘him’, so I won’t do it. EVER!” But, we shall see what happens. I try to be the best person I can be, and if that isn’t enough to make them happy, then I can’t change that and simply need to accept it.

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