Dear Sam:

I understand the “blind trust” one has in a parent. Very much so. It is natural: a child- even as an adult- does not naturally consider the parent may not be trustworthy. A child needs the parent to be trustworthy so to feel safe being under the power of the parent.

If he has an “age-related memory issue or… Alzheimer”- feel free ( I hope) to use this handicap to get your money back- that would be ethically justifiable!

And if his memory is fine, it means he is not yet afraid of you, only cautious in the areas you confronted him. And then, maybe it will make sense to confront him about the money and demand he gives it back to you. By confronting him, this time, I don’t mean to argue with him, as such will be pointless. I mean to firmly assert yourself with him, telling him exactly what you need him to do.

If you are not afraid of him maiming or killing you, and if you believe he showed some fear of you in areas you already confronted him, extend your confrontation to the money, in much the same way.

anita

Dear Sam:

You are welcome.

About Forgiving, you asked: “Can ‘forgiving’ be considered unhealthy under some situations?”

I will refer to your situation with your father as an example for simplicity of expression my position:

If you have no contact with your father: you don’t live with him, you don’t see him, you don’t talk with him; you have no contact whatsoever with him (maybe he is dead), then you may aim at accepting the wrong that was done to you, that it was done and cannot be undone, feel the sadness and in so doing, the anger at him will relax, be less intense and less often (forgiving= less intensity of anger, less often).

If you have contact with your father, and he didn’t sincerely apologize to you AND he didn’t make financial amends to you (return any money possible to return to you!), then try as you may, you will naturally be angry at him. I don’t think you can order your brain to not be angry and therefore forgiveness (relaxing or eliminating your anger) is not a matter of choice. Sure, you can take drugs, tranquilizers and otherwise a good piece of cake will make you calm for a while, but other than that: here is the man who betrayed you, in front of you, unrepentant. That is the reality and it does not accommodate the denial of it.

If you have contact with your father and he did not apologize, did not make financial amends to you, and then to top it, he brags that he has (your) money, claiming ownership of it proudly, and on top of it, he spreads rumors about you, then … well, it better be a very strong tranquilizer to calm the NATURAL anger you feel.

When a victimizer is hurting his victim, the victim’s anger is there, naturally, to motivate the victim to fight against the victimizer, the threat. It is so in nature, preparing an animal to fight a threat.

When a victimizer KEEPS hurting his victim, the victim should either escape or fight, but not remain AVAILABLE for more harm. Even if the victimizer will not harm the victim in the same way (ex.: He ALREADY has your money), seeing the victim, unrepentant day in and day out is painful in itself.

Regarding forgetting: you naturally forget during the day, when you are asleep (and not dreaming about it), when you are otherwise occupied: the brain cannot endure constant distress, so it will take breaks and forget. But these are only breaks. You can’t exchange your brain with another. So other than suffering severe brain damage, you can’t forget.

You asked: “Can victims of rape crimes ever ‘forgive’ their attacker or simply choose to ‘forget’ without ‘forgiving’?”

Victims of rape, following the rape and following taking all the action possible to protect herself/ himself, to promote justice (consequences for the rapist, restitution of some kind), while no longer being available to the rapist for more rapes, in other words, when it is all over, then the victim may accept what happened, feel sadness, and the anger will naturally relax, over time.

I think I answered all the questions here. Let me know.

anita

Dear Sam:

You are very welcome. Do post anytime you’d like. What a sad statement: your greatest enemy was your father, is your father. It is so sad, heart breaking, when the person you looked up to and trusted your whole life… is your enemy. As sad as it is, better not burry your head in the sand again. There is always a heavy price to pay for the temporary comfort of denial and delusion. Better see reality and keep looking at it. In my experience, there is more comfort in seeing reality as is and therefore, effectively responding to it.

anita

Hey Sam!

I’m sorry what your going thru. It’s hard cause your not the only one. I started working for
My family when I was 16 and only in high school. I was working so much and gave my dad all my money when I didn’t even get it back when I was in college for class. He once begged me to continue to work for him till my brothers wedding was over and I helped him
With that. After that he stole a couple of thousands of dollars from me. Me being the youngest daughter I told my older sister that he’s messing with my sanity and told her that why is this not enough and let me save for
My education. Her response was “my dad can never do that” I was shocked. Finally it was my wedding and thinking my father will so much after I worked very hard for him and basically he thru me out like garbage. Didn’t pay and even stole some of my guest money that guest gave me. It left me depressed but do u wanna know something. I just don’t care about him anymore. I’m caring about a person who didn’t even care how hard it was coming home at midnight and being a girl, so many men used to follow me at night. My only thing is I just don’t care about the man who never cared about my feelings. I don’t care about money. But how can someone who u do so much for can cause your emotional pain. Family should be honest. We kill the love and spirit by playing with our trust. i don’t care about my dad becuz when I needed my father he was never there for me. But when he needed me I always there. I did my part. U did too. Don’t feel sad. U helped him even though he betrayed u. U did what u could’ve and now u can do your own thing.

Hi Sam, I signed up an account because of your story. Please allow me to write to you. What is your email address? I can’t seem to
I send you a private message