Hi Anita,

It doesn’t look like I can edit my original post, but here is the post with better specifications of who is who. For clarification and to be honest, we’re dating, so I’m going to call the person I’m seriously dating, “AB”. Her friend is referred to as just “friend”. 

The title is what my gut tells me. The person I’m dating, AB, and I decided to be more than friends 3 months ago. A few weeks ago, while heading out, I mentioned to AB they should one of their friends to hang out. AB told me that the person isn’t their friend and she should be careful of who she calls her friend. I got immediately concerned but didn’t want to assume anything. I inquired and I should’ve left it alone when AB told me she wasn’t ready to tell me. Honestly, that statement made me want to know more and that’s when I got fearful. I realized I should’ve respected her boundaries because AB finally told me that her friend emailed her confessing they had developed deep feelings for her. It just so happened that same day AB reached out to chill with me but I was running errands but AB wanted to chill anyway. So I said sure. I felt AB’s energy was different but figured with all she was going through, it was just life.

AB told me she had been hanging with this person for the past few weeks during this person’s lunch break. Granted AB and I spend a lot of time together, but I now notice the times I tried  to reach out to AB, she wasn’t available and was out with this so-called, not so much friend. AB only mentioned hanging out with this friend weekly just now. AB left this out the other times I’d ask what she did for the day or how her day went.

This surprised me, but I’m trying to reason that I don’t need to know AB’s whereabouts at all times.

AB told me this person has a partner and knows about me. AB also told me her friend started being distant and later explained to AB why. AB told me that this person is amazing and doesn’t want to judge them (mentioning this more than once), but told me that since they want two different things, this person wants more and AB wants to be just friends, they can’t be friends anymore.

I asked AB if she had feelings. She said no. I asked if anything had happened, she said no. AB did tell me they were hanging with each other a lot before me and her took it another step. I asked AB if she had responded to the email and AB said she hadn’t. She said she was processing and checking to see if there was anything she did. AB said with so much going on, it wasn’t a priority but she planned to respond. I asked AB if she still wanted to hang with her friend and she told me no.

The other day AB came over and was very affectionate but I sensed she was sad. I asked AB about it the next morning and she said she’s sure she’s sad but it’s not an “upfront emotion”.

We’ve had a weird and rocky start. I have been working to be communicative, emotionally available and not allow fear to control my actions. Yet I feel AB had more feelings for her friend than she would ever admit to me. I asked AB if there’s anything she needs to say she should say it now but she said there wasn’t.

Our previous incident happened over a couple years ago when AB pursued me but still had a situation happening with someone else. This came out because the other person contacted me, knowing I was with AB. I decided to cut my loss and we remained friends, but the feelings were still there. I felt this was a growing period for us, but now I’m dealing with this. They lied before and I’m trying not to hold it against AB for this occasion since she’s saying all the right things.

But my gut tells me there’s more. I don’t know if I can deal knowing AB is sad because of how she feels for this person. Help.

Response to your response: I appreciate your insight, even with my confusing wording. AB has stated the same sentiment you have as in being approached by other people outside the relationship. We agreed that our conversation about relationships, our values, and where we are with each other will be a continuous talk at this stage. One main value for us is honesty, even if it hurts. And she has been communicative, she also told me that she rather had told me (she said she planned to) than for me to find out by the way I did. AB is someone who has never had a relationship and I’ve only had abusive, unhealthy long-term relationships. 

My slightly pressing question in my mind is should I even ask AB if she ever responded to her friend and if so what did she say?