Dear Anita:

Thank you for replying, you brought a very interesting point to my mind.. I never really thought about the version of myself prior to the one I’m so attached to… Before falling in love with freedom I guess I was a different child trying to find his own dimension.

Being born in a small town and having big city dreams, and having a lot of characteristics (like different sexuality, different passions, goals) that weren’t really reflecting the standards of my hometown, made me crave freedom more and more day by day.

Do you think that my discomfort derives from that specific version of myself?

Dear Anita:

Great point! Wow!

It’s like the “small town” became an internal feeling more than something external.

I can feel it… The constant desire to escape a situation, never compromising. But this could end up being an eternal run for some kind of Utopia. It’s like I keep running and escape small towns but maybe… what I need to do is to slowly destroy that small town I have inside of me, and build a paradise that could stay with me no matter where I am in life…

Maybe was that small town I grew up in a sort of trauma?

Was the feeling and the fear of being misunderstood and out of place the reason why my soul can’t just settle? Always remembering the past… or focused on a future that hasn’t even manifested yet… hardly ever living the present, because maybe there is a chapter in my past that I haven’t fully closed yet?

What do you think Anita?

Thank you for your words and your time Anita..

You really gave me some interesting points to go over in my head today, in fact, I went out for a walk around my neighborhood this afternoon and meditated about what you just said.

The things that come to my mind when I think about my childhood in the small town I grew up in… are…

1) The feeling of being a fish out of water.. about everything: from the way I wanted to express my creativity, my passion for music that wasn’t shared by anybody around me, the way I wanted to dream big, the isolation due to my different sexuality (at that time around 2006 up until 2010 it was still a taboo in my town) and even the passion for the English language (English isn’t my first language) that also wasn’t shared by anybody around me. The environment was just feeling not “meant” for me… Therefore I remember spending many many days in my room all day and until late at night, in front of the computer, where the world I really wanted was easily accessible by early social media, videos and chat.

2) The weird feeling of being connected to something I wasn’t even close to… I’ll explain this in details: I am very lucky to have a wonderful family that has always supported me in my decisions, and even financially when I needed it. But when I was a teenager I remember that I just couldn’t find my happiness in anything that was surrounding me. I would find a negative aspect anywhere I’d go because the reality that I knew was meant for me was so incredibly far that I wouldn’t even try to be happy with the little things… plus you know, when you are a teenager sometimes you tend to face things in a different and more immature way. But I always had this vision that if I moved far away, somewhere like the USA or Australia, I’d be happy. And that’s why I was connected to something that was technically so far away… My happiness belonged to a fantasy.

3) The pressure of being in a family of hard workers. The people in my family are really strong, and they built a successful company out of nothing… they are role models and their work ethic is impeccable. But being born in a family of hard workers has always made me feel very under pressure… even now sometimes (now even more with the uncertainties that this pandemic is bringing). Being born in a family of manual workers, that use sweat and manual work in everything they do, and then me… with a more creative passion, and now in the entertainment industry… having these 2 completely different worlds so close to each other and trying to find a balance has always been a challenge… Or maybe I’m the one who thinks it is a challenge because I feel the pressure, while my family just genuinely wishes the best for me, since they never stopped me and have always supported me.

Maybe sometimes I am just too hard on myself. I think too much. I focus on aspects and situations that don’t bring me anything that I could benefit of… just more thoughts… but I’ll tell you something Anita.. when I finally got out of that small town for the first time, when I was 19 and moved to Sydney, Australia for 7 months to study English and try my first work experience abroad, I felt something that I can’t even fully describe in words… pure soul liberation, like I was born again, but better this time. The feeling of being so far away from everything, alone on these new bright streets of this new big city, so young and full of youth and hunger for adventures and new experiences… that hunger for life is a memory that won’t ever leave my heart.

Nothing, not even being on television or getting a Bachelor degree will ever compare to the joyful feeling of being alone on the other side of the world, so young and free… I don’t even know how my parents managed to let me do such a thing, I can’t even imagine how hard it should’ve been to see your 19 years old son fly away and not knowing where he’d be sleeping at night… but they knew how much it was important for me… they saw the tears and the sadness I grew up with, and they gave me that experience as a present, a bridge to my happiness. And I won’t ever forget that.

Sorry if this message is a little long but I wanted to share with you this beautiful part of my life. The most beautiful up to date.

Hope you have an amazing day, and I’m interested to know what you think.

Dear Anita:

Yes… I can definitely relate to what you said… I feel like “not being satisfied” is a parasite that has always lived inside of my body without even realizing it. And that is insane because if someone would’ve told me where I’d be now when I was a teenager I would’ve said that you’re joking, because where I am right now (living in the USA, working in the entertainment industry) is actually more than what I could’ve dreamed of… and yet… I’m here not feeling satisfied.

I feel like there is some weird energy around this birthday as well… I’m starting to feel the unnecessary feeling of the clock ticking and its another thing that causes me dissatisfaction. But am I really worried about turning 28 or is this parasite having fun and playing tricks on my mind making me think I’m dissatisfied?

Sometimes parts of you take over, and you can become their puppet if you don’t react, and I really want to react.

You opened my eyes on a chapter in my life that I wasn’t even considering… I was so focused on what happened from my “Australia phase” and never really paid attention on the “Small town phase”. You gave me a great birthday gift Anita, you gave me a new perspective!

What should I do now to dive deeper? What would be the next step to feel better? And how do we attack this parasite in my mind?

Hope you’re having a great day, and thank you.

Dear Anita:

This rings a bell and reminds me that I have quite an addictive personality. Like the smoking cigarettes, or the habit that we just discussed, and I usually have times where I get addicted to something for a period of time until I get bored and I pass to something else (which ties perfectly to the habit to look for emotional intensity elsewhere).

Yes I have experience in meditation (not guided) but I’m not doing it constantly, I should really work on my consistency.

I don’t have experience with yoga or tai-chi though, and they sound really interesting. Do you recommend one of these practices specifically or a combination of all of them?

Thank you again Anita.

Dear Anita:

Yes I live in Los Angeles, and thank you for the recommendation. Tai Chi sounds really interesting, and I would love to try it (once the world returns to normal). Meanwhile I’ll start reading about it and getting informed.

Also, I saw a beautiful post in the category “Emotional Mastery” titled “Emotional Learning Journey”, and I found some similarities in what we have discussed. Do you think I should go more in details within myself or have we already discovered 100% the root of my discomfort?

I don’t know how to thank you enough, you are really helping me a lot in this phase I am going through and I feel like thank you is not enough. I appreciate you.

Dear Anita,

It brings me joy to read that and I appreciate it a lot.

Before we dive deeper into this emotional learning journey I actually have a question for you. I am reading a lot about the Zen philosophy these days, and I am currently studying the Noble Eightfold Path in detail. I have read a lot about happiness… and how it’s something that is right here within myself and not an external feeling. That it’s a mean to get somewhere and not the final destination. And that does not depend on external accomplishments. And I understand this, my brain registered this information and my mind agrees with it. But how do I actually apply it to my everyday life? How do I feel the happiness that apparently is inside of me everyday.. Is the Noble Eightfold Path the way to do so? I read that its the path within myself to help me end the suffering, therefore is it the key to happiness? I’m trying to understand the “How”. And that would probably help to start breaking this habit of being unsatisfied.

What do you think?