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My story about consistent friendship failures

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  • #59884
    Ashley
    Participant

    Truth: I don’t know where to begin also I apologize that I am a terrible writer, this girl needs a lot of practice! Also, I think I just need to get this “scribble” out there so I don’t feel that its trapped inside. Also, side note, I am talking about friendships only, no boyfriend/girlfriend mess.
    Okay, the stress of my days are mostly surrounded by intimacy issues. Which I try not to focus on or worry about because I think intimacy naturally arises on its own (wow, I know I really could expand my beliefs and values). I tend to ignore others including my friends because I’m afraid of closeness or intimacy? I don’t understand why or what I am doing that I cannot get close to others or specially my friends. My friendships usually fall apart. All or most of my relationships seem to reach a point and then I begin to stop making an effort because I might be worrying too much about the dynamics of the friendship.??
    I am learning more and more everyday that I deserve to create and to have a beautiful life and I would love to share this life with, whom? It’s confusing, as you understand. I think I need help strengthening positive beliefs,values,and/or attitudes about anything in life.
    Furthermore, when I meet others that share my same interests, I am closed off. I don’t understand the meaning behind any of my friendships and that’s probably why the fail, because it’s difficult for me to see it’s purpose. But I’ll keep in mind the small things to do with others! 🙂 I catch myself pretty much everyday or all day restraining myself to keep my distance by ignoring them. I don’t have to suffer, but I’ve been making this choice over more than I am comfortable with. Therefore, over time, I’ve resented becoming intimate with others because when I am with others I already feel I’m as if I am a failure as a friend. It’s going to take practice and a lot of patience of being rejected, and I’m up for it. I’ve been breaking down crying more than I am comfortable with also, I say it’s okay to have a cry every now and then. However for awhile it is a challenge to listen to others when I hear myself crying inside. Haha, I don’t know how to have that part of me relax. I assume that by finding a trusted friend, I could talk it out. But I think it also might be that a large part of me is in denial about wanting to be held or hugged. That is one reason, why I strayed away from dating anyone since I don’t want the person to believe that I can’t handle “taking care of myself” or that I need someone….that’s honestly another topic I need to discuss, but I’ll post it on another forum someplace or another.

    To close, I just would like to let you know that I am okay, I accept that this is apart living and learning. I am the only one here to blame for my actions.

    I understand I need to find opportunities to meet others. Even if I don’t put myself out there over the summer to meet others, I understand this would be a great opportunity for meditation and self-reflection?

    It would be nice to have an open and meaningful discussion, because I’m learning to love asking questions! I have to many, I need to speak! 🙂

    I also just want to say it’s been nice finding this forum. 🙂

    Peace & Love.

    #59970
    lissy
    Participant

    Hi Ashley… let me tell you that i too share somewhat of how you feel about friendships. Ive had many friends and for one reason or another i end up cutting them off completely out of my life. Completely. Ask me how many friends i have today? I am 28 years old. Ive lived in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Tampa…etc. I should have many friends! But the reality and the sad truth is… i have 2 friends. These 2 friends of mine live more than 400 miles away from me. We don’t talk much, we don’t text or email much either. But these are the only 2 people i can call my friends. Other people have let me down in one way or another. Someone once told me “Don’t ever expect 100% out of people, you will never get it and that’s when the disappointment happens”. I always said that i would always give 100% to a friend, always be there, never fail. But im only human and so is everyone else. So when people let me down, didn’t come through on things or disappointed me, i took it personal and to heart and completely X’d them out of my life, never speaking to them again. But then i asked myself one day, could i be there for a friend at a drop of a hat? No. So i have tried my best to change my thoughts and learn how to not take things “personal”. It’s been much better for me in my new relationships. My story isn’t the same as yours but i can relate to not being able to find that “attachment” if you will. And Ashley, im glad you found the forum. It’s a life saver.

    #59998
    John
    Participant

    Hi Ashley,

    It sounds like you’re trying to create friendships, rather than allowing them to happen. There is the saying ‘making friends’, but this is misleading, imo. We can make a move to introduce ourselves to one another, but a friendship should not be presumed. Start by simply being respectful of someone for the person they are. Show yourself this respect too. If you find yourself in company with someone who shares similar interests as you, do not presume a friendship. Maybe something else about them turns you off, and be honest about those things to yourself. Maybe you two just don’t click, despite the similar interests, so let it be. It’s easy to want to overlook red flags just to be close with others. Ask yourself what kind of experience you really want. This may be the meaning you’re looking for. For me, my strongest relationships have been ones where I feel like the other person is compassionate, a good listener, offer their best advice, and then *naturally* I feel like reciprocating it back to them. Friendships should also be about complete freedom to come and go as one pleases. There should be no set schedule for staying in contact, and hanging out. And naturally laughing and joking around together is a must. It shouldn’t all be about serious stuff. Again, treat everyone with respect for them as an individual, including yourself. Keep conversation light and fun. Don’t lead the friendship anywhere, just let it unfold on it’s own. Let it be as shallow or as deep as it allows.

    Hope this helps!

    #60312
    Ashley
    Participant

    Lissy & John,

    Thanks for sharing your personal insights with me, I’ll keep in mind about the advice you have given. I think I worry too much about “making” or “creating” this friendships like you said since I’ve held many expectations for what I should be like or how they should be and “this is how it’s going to go”. I’ve felt the release to live without these expectations too! It’s motivating too, to stay focused on what of lifestyles I would like to live try. I haven’t been much of an explorer like I’ve always dreamt about because my pace is too slow! Yet I feel more ready to explore more since I’ve now started to discover what exploring truly means.

    Thank you again! 🙂

    #400302
    Yuvika
    Participant

    I am so late for this ain’t I, like 8 years almost l don’t even know if u will be able to relate or not as I am completely different generation though I am hoping u probably would have found any solution to this Ashely, did u ever formed friendships again? Are u currently in a friendship, idk where to start from, I am person who forms great bonds with ppl I also have formed deep real connective friendships with PPL and at the end I always felt that they were toxic for me or I needed a rest or space from them. This has repeated for 3 times aldredy and the 4th friendship is in progress,ik 3 and 4 are very small numbers but this are legit heartbreaks in 16yr olds life the recovery from this broken friendship was always so so hard and only ik it. But this time it’s serious it’s my friendship with a girl who has been with me for past 4 years now. 4 years is a big deal it also covers my teenage where I grew with her i can call her my childhood friend. So she has been toxic for me since like a year now, it’s been a year since we are having this crisis.

     

    My confusions are only that

    1. She ain’t always toxic it’s just when we fight,

    which we do pretty often but then we are normal but the things we say to each other amid this, they stay with us forever. So are They just normal fights or is she really toxic

    2. How and why is it I always find ppl toxic, why can’t I have friendships lasting long or forever, is there any problem in me, what improvements I must make in myself Ashley?

     

    Why I am I unable to form long and forever bonds with ppl. Does this means I am never gonna have anything forever?

     

     

    Hope u can help Ashley.

    #400309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yukiva:

    If you click Ashley’s name, you can access the 4 threads that she starteed. The one you posted on, this one, is her first thread (June 2014), two of her threads are from July 2014 and the fourth is from February 2015. Her last post in these forums was on April 26, 2015, just over 7 years ago. I hope that Ashley replies to you, but the chance to receive a reply from a member who has been inactive for 7 years is very small.

    Maybe you can find some answers to your questions in her 2014-15 posts. If you would like active members, such as myself, to reply to you, please let me know.

    anita

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