Dear Grimsy:

My advice to you is do not try to talk with him at this point. First understand what happened- then, with a correct understanding, decide whether to contact him or not. I would like to help you understand what happened. We can go back and forth for that aim, if you want. So I will ask you first:

In your understanding, as is, what was or is the nature of your anger at him? How did you or do you believe that he wronged you?
anita

Dear grimsy:

When you reacted to his “miss you” email you were angry at him. What was that anger about?

anita

Dear grimsy:

From your share on this thread, it seems to me that he did nothing wrong, that he was honest with you from the very beginning when you told him how you felt about it. It seems to me that he liked it that you felt loving feelings for him but he didn’t know how that can be played out such long distance. I am figuring he needs an in person girlfriend, one he can be physically present with. But he definitely liked that you liked him.

So far during this online communication with him you fell hopelessly in love with him, feeling very needy of him to love you back. The moment he wrote “miss you”- I think you wanted more and right away. As if “miss you” wasn’t enough and when he didn’t deliver more, you got angry and you “Told him I will end my contact with him + some inappropriate dramatic thoughts about my feelings.”

When you told him that you will end contact with him, it was not you running away from pain only. You also tried to hurt him, to hurt his feelings, because you felt like he hurt you first.

You felt that he hurt you by not saying more than “miss you” by not taking those two words and running with it to a bigger confession of love.

All through the time you fell hopelessly in love with him, your loving feelings for him were conditional on him feeling love back for you. If he doesn’t- punishment is to come, the threat of ending all contact

Do you agree so far? If not, correct me.

anita

Dear grimsy:

You mean you were testing him? Giving him a hard time so to see if he will fight for you?

anita

Dear grimsy:

I learned enough about your story here, on this thread, to now understand that your interactions with this man is you re-enacting your interactions with one or both of your parents/ care taker/s.

You didn’t come out of your childhood feeling and believing you were loved so you desperately need that feeling, that believing. This is what motivated you to fall desperately in love with this guy- you desperately need that which you didn’t get as a child.

As a child you were very hurt for not being loved and naturally you were also angry at the parent who you reached out to again and again, reached out with love, needing the parent to love you. The parent ignored or otherwise rejected you again and again. This is an injury that keeps hurting in your psyche, your mind.

So you reach out to this guy, online, and like a child that is loving of the parent, automatically and intensely, you expressed your love to this man. And then you wait for the love back, just as you did as a child with the parent. And when the guy said “miss you”- the hurting little girl in you said something like: “That is all? This is all you have for me? After all my waiting? After all that you did to me (seeing your rejecting parent in him)..? And the anger flares.

What do you think? Let me know

anita

Dear grimsy:

I see. This injury of you growing up unloved is significant. As children we need to be loved and cannot be a good life without that much needed love. You still need it and you can’t get it from your mother. Your mother did not see your need for her love, did not see it in your eyes, in your voice, in your sad face…Do you know why baby-animals, humans included, have those round, cute faces? So the parents/ care takers will like us and take care of us…In your quest to be loved, your mother is the last place to go to.

Where then? If you can attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring (empathetic), hard working therapist, please do. The purpose: to acknowledge and process those hurt feelings of reaching out and being rejected by your mother. Once processed, those feelings will be less intense and you will be able to see what is in front of you for what it is instead of inaccurately projecting your mother (and father) into the person in front of you. This man online- after therapy, after some healing, you would be able to see “miss you” and take it in as a positive thing and not as It-is-not-enough.

With healing, you will be able to accept the love that is available for you, as little as it is at anytime, and appreciate it. You will be able eventually to Love and Be Loved in return.

Post anytime. I will reply every single time that you post.

anita