Can u brk it down into doable activities that wud signal a change in way f living.. And herald a new beginning in life.

dear anita,

can i get ur mail id, i want to share something personal with you… so that u get the whole view of my issues.

i m trusting u with it. thank u

i understand ur concerns anita.

thanks for all ur support.

i will do the same anita,,, but i guess the post is too long.

ok b patient wid this one..its quite long and too detailed.

i just am a confused soul…and still struggle with the basic question “who am i”..
now i stuck with a perrineal predicament…just to wish to share something i havent shared with anyone…my trust runs deep in you…
but see even now my mind summons one last warning to my heart to stop and thinkover before doing it but i just wish to follow myn heart this time round.

i ll tell you a story…
there was this 4 year old kid…born in a family…oblivious to the outside world….still learning wats life all about,,,was sent to the best school in town…elated he was as this world seemed beautful and spacious and more comforting..he made new frends…home wasnt an inspirational place…with grandpa as the sole earner..
but those summer breaks in village did paint some of his memories sharply.
he grew up with some nominal treatment frm the society,but was busy exploring the world…then when he was 9, e discovered the presence of appreciation and praise. he waned that praise frm everywhere…at skool at home,,,in relatives…thus that praise trned him to a student..but i guess was nvr hard working…but i think wen the moment arrived plunged with his deep heart and reaped results…Being academically sound brought him social acceptance,praise and a proud identity and would say may be branded as hope of the family, a bright child..ha ha

but this time round he was also becoming popular among his friends parents….and visiting frends houses in that age,,is sure a routine in small town on bicycles…but parents of freinds ask those questions whch your frends never ask…what does your father do???
where do you live….??
how many siblings you are??
do you own a house or live on rent??

these were issues which never crosed his mind…he only knew he his frends…the art of appreciation and results,,and one beatiful girl in class..for .whom he considered himself unwrthy of??
he answered those questions not honestly but i would say innocently…
we live here coz my grandpa works in a bank and we live nearby…we live on rent..i have two sisters elder to me and i m the third child …
and thn the frends mom exclaimed…and papa kya karte hain…the 11 yr old kid relpied..kucch nhin…gaon ka kaam dekte hain…
and then she gave a condescending and insulting look to the child…oh no…the child felt devastated…his world of appreciation had taken a hit..and it wasnt his fault..he qualified all criterias…of a student…a friend..a good person…still society rates you on your background… he lost out and hedecided he wud never lose again…for something which isnt his fault…in other words…he thot e wont let these questions to affect his identity in the world…

going to hi fi skool meant richer friends and hi fi frend parents…but he was never unsure of his coping abilities…he could always be at par with his rich frends on anything.if the competition didn’t entail background…by this time he was in his teenage…a point where emotions are in turmoic,…values and experiences battle each other..somehw god became too gracious…and the beautiful girl of his dreams some how fell for him…it goes the appereciation factor a well hi carefree nature…
life felt blissful…and lost in her eyes..suddenly my self respect grew up…she likes MEE…but it also had a tinch of ego…’if she could fall for me”, anyone can…
wrote letters and poems to each other…love makes literature so lovable…he realised then…expressing something feels nice..

time passed they needed to shift to patna…grandpa had bought a flat for them in the capital…with all his life savings..to get admission there needed exceptional marks in class 7… he wworked hard with his love running in background…and frends in place..natures forces helped him….and he got it..

shifted to patna…leaving old ppl was pain…but was also excited to see life ahead…had been patna once…to his buas house…cousins of patna…were close…bua’s kids…but they were always special guest at home…mom use to say…bua is rich…we loved her arrival…she brought clothes and sweets… and wen she came there was always good food at home.. now here he had to built a new identity…

being smart he knew hw much to manipulate….what he cn carry off….what information can he manage and not spill the beans… a new place meant can form identity from a scratch…specially the background
meeting here with the same questions…he was ready this time..he answered thm,,,as per his comfort…and created rather projected an identity..

my father works in a goods insurance company…NIC.
i own a house in kankarbagh(tht was true)..
and he had fone at home…(everybody at skool hadfone at home)

girls here also had shown interest in him..he liked the presence of feminity too much…he loved them all… being two relations in two yrs had given him a feel of the journey…bliss, trust, jealousy…guilt…he was thru all this..

is academics suffered the first yr…8th standard…and he saw the appreciation world melting down…few even mocked him…he couldnt handle the transition…he was hurt, and wounded…and eager..]
nxt year he was bak…bak with a bang…
was in an intimate connection with a girl he liked in class…she shared with him a lot of things…and he knew the path frm there…hw to make her fall…
meanwhile he realised winning appreciation among frends was being frank and sharing your feminine interactions and intimacies…especially it is about the much envied girl in the class…whose descency doesnt allow anyones advances penetrate her….clash of social priorities.
he lived in the moment and gave it to the temptation of frends and shared his intimacy….in those days it were somee letters exchanged..
this freaked that girl…and he lost her forever…they nvr talked …since then…he felt the pinch…and even cried in solitude….but he was beaten by this intinct which wanted appreciation and identity evrywhr..

it was 10th boards…he grew sinciere…this was a greater platform of appreciation… a big moment he had waited for….he knew its importance somehw…and expectations at skool kept him alert not sinciere..his papa’s suzuki max 100 bike at skool had brought him much remarks and laughs one day…so biking to skool meant borrrowing cha cha’s caliber croma bike… it was what he could manage… meanwhile he was toast f girls around…was good with conversations and giving importance to a girl…but he missed her.

scored gud in 10th..but not met his expectations…appreciation did pour in… wanted to go to kota for IIT preps… ppl believed in his potential…for him it meant a new world…

reached thr.. settled..formed a group f friends…by the time had brume a real ppl pleaser .. ppl felt entertained around him..so was centre f attraction… studies were imp..but this new world f freedom and so many characters were writing its own script.
saw a girl from BOMBAY in the class room…was he TOPPER of the batch… she was very gracious..and was dedicated and hence very reserved, dint talk much to anyone in class.
somehow her grace dignity,innocence and her unreacheableness attracted him, rest was done by some teasing from friends. he fell for her.
now she was a challenge,an impossible case no boy wood attempt, but he did.
studies took a backseat…he was busy aid friends,life and pursuing the girl(R). finally conversations began. her friend(AJ) helped a lot. money fr mess food was compromised coz of bills of pco calls…its 2005 no. meanwhile he also grew close with aj. both were good frees to him and he was fawning over the female attention.

as things were not moving forward with R…and AJ was confessing her feelings fr him and he was feeling guilty he was using her to get closer to AJ. remember he can’t handle adverse opinion. He caved in and said yes and had a 12 hour conversation over one wild her. as he makes the woman feel spcl wid him, he did wid her. Out f nowhere R calls and says she has fallen fr him. he is dumbstruck, what to do. finally he cudnt take a step as one was his coveted prize and other he had promised. the girls talked and he was thot to b the culprit. both smeared ties from him.

he was yearning fr their attention. both meant the most to him… but they were hurt. he shot only one way to gain their attention was to attempt a suicide.
he planned got tablets and ate them and slept…ensuring he won’t die. remember he 17. he got their attention, eventually AJ mover on R was back as his girl.
got closer…intimate. results f exams came… did miserably bad.. the suicide attempt and the result broke havoc back home, all hopes were shattered. by family standards a lot was spent on him. but he was oblivious to the home identity or role obligations living his life as a free bird. the came as a shock to him. weathered the storm and asked fr a second chance. R had cleared but rank suffered on account of love affair. she stayed bak too. this year had to b year of priority.. love was there but studies were imp. r was sincere she pushed him.. somehow he struggled with his SHOULDS and WANTS. Friends love and studies. love got deeper, at this point he genuinely loved R. but the was a problem. To woo her,he had played information management on her too. since she was from BOMBAY and he from BIHAR. he shot she wud judge him,although new culture had let him shed his bihari identity. he said his father works in bombay and family will shift the later as flat has been bought thr. (idea came as uncle had done sO).

college admissions began…R cleared aid flying colors. he did Above average. he was happy fr her. she got into IIT DELHI. he got into an NIT after struggles, that too mining egg. branch.
he hoped first yr results would allow a branch change. separated 2000 kms love was still strong. But since mining was an odd branch and was kinda looked down upon,he developed discomfort towards it. once u say it, ppl give a initial frown,,, the same frown which they gave about bihar or father’s profession. he had run away from it all his life. he had to do something about it.

meanwhile elder sis got married shifted to delhi, family finances got worse post her marriage. mom had to come live wid her in delhi and dad too. (grandpa had retired). so in his holidays he too went to delhi as the was no home to go. so college ppl knew he is from delhi, suited my non bihari attitude too. so i became a delhi guy at college and carried it fr four years. in college mining made him feel inferior. so he did all extra currics and showed others he was no less. also he became the torchbearer of his professed love fr R in college. a love story wid interesting twists wch inspired many other. he was praised fr all this. remember he loves praise. was friendly and popular among guys..and seniors.. had put extra effort to get senior,s attention.

out side college if someone asked he wud say his branch was mechanical or civil not mining. he shot he wud get a placement in software company or do Amba and it won’t matter afterwards. info management was on in all directions. but he was having a good time, against all odds not allowing himself to b judged, to b frowned upon his attributes. it took effort but he was ok with it as all worlds were discrete.

dad found a small job in mumbai.. rented a smal flat the. now i even went to mumbai fr holidays. R was the too. she insisted on meeting at home. everyone knew R at home. IIT girl.. made me look good. once she came…the flat was rented and nowhere near what i had said it would b like to her years ago. she said nothing, but the mask had started to wear off. a girl in college bcame a good friend f mine, named S. she was awed by my love for R. we did some plays together and she was impressed by my creativity,presentation and social skills. we got close even vulnerable but i loved R, so nothing was possible.

R was getting lonely at her college. her grades were suffering, roommates bad mouthing. she had become carefree at college. after getting into IIT she wanted to njoy life. city lifestyle pubs,booze,trips,guys u know. we talked a lot. but i cudnt visit her much. distance was a factor. plus i spent a lot on fone,smoking,ferns nightout and allowance from home was limited. i was stressed fr cash always. a point came wen she was adamant on me visiting her and i hd no money, i didn’t ask much frm home, i knew the isn’t any money. borrowed generally. at a dark time also stole a friends phone and sold it. i was so close to him, he cud never suspect. this breach f trust haunts me till date. but ths is an honest narrative so b it. he was my best friend.

wen he came back from the trip, he discovered thru chats R was cheating on him wide a guy in college. it meant nothing but mere physical distraction. she had stopped 15 days before he found out.
he was distraught. felt powerless and hurt. called her, cried a lot, was forlorn. but inside he was planning her to go thru the same. he made her feel extremely guilty. called some friends to inform about wat she did. in college he cudnt tell anyone or the ideal love story would get blemished. she was part f his identity. they broke up and she cried and cried and cried, his ego was hurt. finally after four months he forgave her. he is a libra he gets thee point f view f others, but she was down from the pedestal and respect was gone.
to come out f R TRAUMA, he engaged himself in college elections. he was good at it. convincing, manipulating people straight with his logic. he got praise and appreciation fr ths.

next yr was engaged in elections thru out, analysis and projection. he became larger than life in elections. he didn’t want any position just the fame that he is the best and is invincible. this bred arrogance, he lost some of his old friends and found new. people branded him oppurtuistic and political. such alllgations come when u become a public figure. he was enjoying the attention and the leadership. he was sincere and committed. meanwhile love for R was gone and her lifestyle hadn’t changed. S too had come close a lot.

this was the right time to leave R. he was busy he had a support in S. HE DID IT. R cried waited fr a month. but he had made up his mind.
meanwhile S had become his support here. she was an innocent girl, who liked him a lot. even loved him. he faked the love to get all her praise attention and the make out sessions.
he lost in the elections big time. had lost R too, and his friends too. mining tag too was waiting fr him, as placements had arrived. nothing was right.

but he didn’t break down, here he surprised me. gathered all courage, stayed bak at college and started preps fr mba college. 3 months f solitude,failure made him come in touch wid his spiritual self. he didn’t feel hurl about results, as he had enjoyed the journey so much. 6 months of attention and praise. regarding R he knew, she was beginning to see thru his mask and he had to get away from her. The fake love fr S was troubling as she loved him a lot and she was innocent, it was plain selfish. but he needed someone to survive this phase.
he studied fr 3 months… got decent score in mocks. his defence was ready,a new praise material. the way he had responded to failure. 3 months solitude studying. ppl praised him and believed in his potential again. he was happy. didn’t appear fr any mba exams. placements started, was nervous. got placed in a MINING company first day. here was found wanting f courage, family pressure also worked.
last tear went in relative solitude wid weed and outings wid S.

AS end neared S became a serious issue. how to get away from her. he liked her, but ppl had judged her, and nothing that doesn’t make him look good, he doesn’t subscribe fr it. he judged himself harshly and others too.
somehow he got away from S. she cried and cursed, but was in love so cudnt do much. he used the classic parents not willing, no future argument.
got into his new job in a remote coal field area. his frends went to metros working fr companies. he already despised the mining tag. now not even a city to name as residence.
here blemishes started becoming unhidable, Facebook had integrated his discrete
groups, so information management started failing. he couldnot put his hometown on it, as various ppl knew various infos. it was getting taxing too. he cutoff a lot of ppl from life and started to explore himself. in his new job he hated visiting mines and had a very negative attitude towards it. though people loved him personally his reputation at work started suffering. he was covering it up doing extra curries like speeches, plays, extra nice behaviour,his social skills. coz he needed attention and praise and it was not coming from work. his vanity was withering away affecting his self image.

he was down. and figuring out what to do. meanwhile money helped to fulfil some desires and helped at home too. he bought a bike not which he liked ride but which was considered stylish(again social judgment ). he went out and got a weaving fr his hair, convinced ppl around as hair weaving. he is good at convincing and presentation. self image improved,was able to face the mirror now. the weaving became the personification of his false self, which always had to b hidden and protected and the content fear of being found out. he was 25.

all friends were progressing doing MBA or MS in USA. HE felt left behind. he wanted a change, one final settlement to the identity question. where no one asks who u are. they just know out of your social position. IAS is that exam in india. if u r an as nothing matters. he wanted it for identity,status,recognition and as a stage to express his potential. possessing a sharp mind and interest in social issues he was not afraid of the challenges. he took it on. its quite tough to b honest and he had lost discipline and hardwork as qualities in all these years. but as usual his talents coupled with his smart projection made everyone believe,he can crack it. it helped his image at work as he claimed i m doing IAS so i m not interested in mining career. he had carved a source of praise and appreciation.

he went to delhi fr a year taking leave and studied there. college friend was there, stayed with him and earned his respect as an aspirant. was most curious kid in the class and impressed the teachers and girls. he was getting attention and praise. people believed in his potential….or he was making them believe with great projection, no one knows. he exaggerated his job entitlements to impress ppl further. met a girl in class K. she smoked was open minded. got attracted as had nvr seen a girl like this. he was sex starved too since college. he is 26 now.
saw her as a sexual interest, but knew only one way to woo a girl, the fake love way. she confided in him and told him every thing about her. she was dead honest and confessed about her many physical adventures and loyalty issues. he judged her and said no. but she coaxed him into it. he saw it as a sexual distraction,but cudnt help.
it affected his goal. he failed at the second stage and was back to his job. his goal may hV GOT MISALIGNED TO RATHER IMPRESSING PPL ABOUT HIS WORTH AS A CANDIDATE RATHER THN CLEARING THE EXAM.

back at job, ppl praised and encouraged him as clearing 1st stage in 1st attempt is itself considered tough. he got swayed by the environment and conduit deliver.
he was ready to try again. this was the only hope. he started. meanwhile K fell fr another guy and dumped him. long distance standard situation. but he was devastated. he had ended his relationships always not the girl. it hurt his ego badly. he suffered in pain, hated her, even clinger on to her. but she had moved on and he was suffering, but exam too demanded attention. this time he was lonely, no friends,girl attention and increased pressure. he tried fr girl attention but didn’t get any…. he was now burning from inside…as the was no body to praise him or love him..his self worth dashed. but he was trying despite all odds. still got in the act of impressing fellow students and new teacher that wat a special talent he is, and again everybody believed in him.

but he failed at the second stage again. hopes were dashed at home. he handled it well. a lot of spiritual reading and meditation camp had helped. now ppl started mocking behind his back at office. his successive failures had weakened his defence infant of his friends and he was nowhere in comparison. all average ppl were in the cool jobs and he was in the coal mine. plans of marriage were also on hold as exam was a priority.

the story is this the context.

now there is a pattern of judging oneself, hiding blemishes and projecting a likeable self. its a planned and managed act. it takes a lot of effort.

point is need for people’s attention and love makes him do all these things. he gets what he really wants and doesn’t care about others in that process.

so there is something fundamentally wrong with this way of living..

it has cost him his love,friends,career and the exam too.

his strengths are logics,arguments,convincing skills,presentation,people pleaser,entertainer and ability to see things from pal’s point of view.also spiritual interest.
his weakness lack of acceptance of self,lack of courage to b honest,bit lazy, over analyser and weak implementer etc.

now some questions.

should he continue with IAS as his goal..or first figure out does he really want it or wants to fix the identity problem with this. (his laziness or fear of 3rd failure ,hardwork might b driving this argument)

should he get married(arranged) ?? he seeks a partner who is ideal and thot social status after exam would get him one. but now he feels alone but is not ready to b wid a person he would judge on something undesirable.

should he find his authentic self and live according to its inner needs and desires.(this would mean a complete leap of faith and time is running out)

should he confide in close friends and family around.

should he join the presentation industry as that is what he has done all his life.

is he a bad person

is his ego the problem..

what could b done.

this life is tough and inconsistent with my inner energies.

thanks.
i ll b waiting. think it through, as its my life.