Hello tiny Buddha post readers and postees.
I’m 39, in a long term relationship with K, I have no children, I have no family (I’m the black sheep BAA BAA) and I have only just properly realised that my mother, my sister and recently K’s mother have always made my life a misery but for no more.
Every single day as a child teenager and young adult, my mother or sister would play up. Everyone loved my mum, she was friendly pretty clever funny blah blah blah but everyday she was angry, controlling (i.e. her saying was her way or the highway), she used every method possible to be the COA (centre of attention) including crying, lying, screaming, shouting, threatening. I used to comfort her, not provoke her and do anything to please her and I have been trying to do that till 6-7 months ago. My sister was just the same as my mother, i.e. wanted to be COA but she adopted the ignoring treatment, for days and days she would completely ignore me and when she eventually came round I would walk on eggshells trying not to displease her again. I haven’t spoke to my sister for 9 years and I am a much happier person.
I’ve only just realised how narcissistic K’s mum is, for the last 5 years I just thought she was rude and didn’t like me, she’s called me names criticised my flat and tried to create problems between me and K. A few times she literally screamed and shouted at K for attention whilst I had popped around, I hoped they were one offs. Late last year me & K went for a meal with her and K’s dad, she told me don’t be interested in Kev he has no money (which isn’t the truth) and then on Christmas day she made a snide remark about mine and K’s relationship. I decided she wasn’t a nice person and stopped going round to visit. In March I decided that I didn’t want to be with K and I ended it with him, my reasons were he is too family orientated and I didn’t know when our life would begin. We got back together 2 weeks after and I popped into his parents, I took one look at K’s dad and said when did you last see the doctor (he could hardly talk and he was very pale), I made Kev ring the doctors and on K’s mum hearing this she went off at me saying how dare someone come into her house telling her how her husband should be looked after. I just ignored it and kept telling Kev to make sure his dad kept on at the doctors. Two weeks later Kev’s dad was rushed into hospital with breathing difficulties. The day after he was having an emergency operation so I went along to the hospital and met K and his Mum there. K went off to park the car and his mums greeting to me was you have made it all worse by dumping Kev. I was outraged and told her the reasons why I had dumped him, it was clear she didn’t like me as she was always calling me names and that she should of made Kev move out years ago that children are on loan not for life. Well she refused to admit she had done anything wrong and I said I should go but K wanted me there and he supported me while she refused time and time again that she had done anything wrong. Later in the day K’s dad was given a short time to live (terminal thyroid cancer). I went round to see K at his parents and another argument erupted while K was out of the room, it ended with her saying to K, I don’t think she loves you at all.
K’s dad was lovely, I liked his company, he has good character traits just like K. I got depressed and went on meds and for the past 4 weeks I have helped K and his mum care for his dad, which included changing his dressings, performing tracheostomy suction, giving his food and medicine in his nose tube. His dad died on Tuesday and since then his Mum has been a nightmare. Criticising K’s help, wearing herself out with housework (she’s 75), shouting at K for minor things, saying K doesn’t love her and support her (me and K have been there and slept there for about a week). Yesterday, she brought up the hospital argument and she told me that she had never called me names, I said let bygones be bygones, she continued and went onto say that her and her husband had been so sad because they knew I didn’t like them. This really hurt me, I really liked K’s dad and I had helped as much as I could. I told K I was going home and he went to talk with his mother. He told me Mum wanted to apologise and I went over to her and said I was sorry too, but yet again she started on about how hurt she was as she hadn’t called me names or done anything wrong. I walked away packed my stuff and told K I was going home as I needed head space. K followed me out and I told him how much her behaviour reminded me of my mums and that I didn’t want to be there I could be more supportive to him if I was happier, then his Mum came out demanding an apology, she said she had been tortured for weeks because of the row at the hospital, I said I have nothing to apologise for, she screamed and shouted and K shouted back and she threatened to leave and tell everyone how horrid I have been to her. I started crying and she said it was fake to K. She went away to call one of her brothers to stay with, me and K chatted and cuddled and wondered why she was being so nutty. She came out again and said what you doing out here arguing, we said we weren’t arguing and she had another go at me. I didn’t retaliate or rise up I thought her husband would be so embarrassed. I stayed there to keep the peace and was I nice to her. Today I have been subject to the ignoring treatment, K fell asleep and I felt emotionally vunerable and I told K I was going home. I’m at home and all the tension has left me and I hope K will realise soon that his Mum will never be pleased by anything he does, my mother and sister never changed.
Any insights would be appreciated?
K is an only child, he works for the family business on the family home premises, he was single up until age 43 and he has only left home when he started living with me 4 years ago.
I love K and we have a warm happy peaceful productive supportive relationship but the prospect of having to deal with his mother for anything more than very short periods makes me seriously consider the viability of a long term successful future and perhaps it the meds but I feel I would like to be on my own for a while. My last relationship of 9 years ended in the February and I was with K by the start of April.