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  • February 16, 2016 at 5:57 am #96159
    Charity
    Participant

    I was married for 11 years. Five months ago I finally got the strength to separate. Something I wanted to do shortly after getting married. My parents raised me very strict Baptist. My Mom was very controlling and she didn’t have to say much she always gave me looks to let me know I’ve disappointed her. When I would disappoint her she would scream, yell or lay on the floor in her room and sob. I was home schooled and was raised to save sex for marriage. After I graduated high school I met my ex. He isn’t a bad guy but there was many red flags with him that I constantly ignored. Mainly because my parents hated him at the time and for the first time in my life I wanted to make my own decisions. I would try to break up with him and he would get a knife and carve my name in his arm, crying telling me he couldn’t lose me. So I stayed. I ended up getting pregnant. That was a total embarrassment for my parents so they insisted we get married because there was no way we would live together unmarried and raise a baby. I was ashamed and married him. We had 2 more children. Both were not wanted by me because I wanted out of the marriage but he had a way of taking sex from me when he wanted it and when I would lay in bed crying after he would just laugh. I was suicidal during my marriage. I’ve never felt an emptiness like that.

    Now here I am separated and I finally feel like I can breathe in my own home but my family is yet again disappointed. I went to visit my Granny in the hospital the other day and she started to cry, telling me that she doesn’t understand why I would break up a family like I am doing. That she prays constantly that God will change my mind. That she was strong enough to stay married to my Pa even though he didn’t know how to show her love and I needed to be just as strong. Then last night my Mom calls me crying. She had seen a note my middle son had written for school. It started out, “I have a dream….” and he had to add to it. He added, “I have a dream that one day my Mom and Dad will be together again.” I had seen the note a while back and him and I talked about it. I know he’s sad. My Mom said that she felt the Lord was telling her to call me and beg me to rethink my decision. That I don’t know how much I am hurting my children. She said her and my Dad will pay for my ex and I counseling.

    I feel broken. The three people I care most about are my children. I know this is hard on them. We talk all the time because I want them to know they can come to me no matter what. It just terrifies me to think that I should go back to him. I can’t. Even when I’m around him now for a few minutes I have the worst anxiety. I feel just like I did for 11 years.

    I guess I just need to know am I a horrible Mom for not staying? Am I going to totally screw my children up because I couldn’t just suck it up and stay with someone I do not love? How do I handle my family? I love them but they add more stress than I can handle. I try not to cry in front of my kids but last night I couldn’t hold it back. I just feel alone and sad because I need them and they just want to judge. They act like they are the ones hurt.

    February 16, 2016 at 9:04 am #96175
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    When your mother told you recently that you don’t know how you are hurting your children by breaking your marriage… it is she, yes, she who has no idea how she had hurt you and is keeping at hurting you, and that in doing what she did (scream, yell, lay on floor crying, the looks during your childhood) and what she is still doing is hurting not only you but your children!

    What a concept, huh?

    When your mother manipulated you by lying on the floor crying when she disapproved of you as a child, when she acted like she is hurt and it is your fault… she set the stage for you being manipulated by this man who cut your name on his arm, behaving like he is hurt when you were dating.

    So, when your mother (and your grandmother/ others) point the finger at you for hurting your children, point the finger back at her.

    What is best for your children? Best case scenario: two loving parents, two parents who love each other, are each calm and able to provide a feeling of safety and love for the children. Second best case scenario: one loving parent who is calm and able to provide safety and love for the children.

    Now, if you remain married to this man and your anxiety remains and even worsens, this is not good for the children. From your post, your husband is not likely to change. To change he will have to acknowledge and dig into painful things from his own childhood. People do not readily do that kind of work. And such work takes a long, long time.

    What do you think about my input so far?

    anita

    February 16, 2016 at 3:24 pm #96219
    Charity
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for replying. I agree with you. I’ve worked hard over the years to grow and separate my views/beliefs from my parents. Not that theirs are wrong but for me they aren’t right. I was raised believing that my purpose here on earth was to serve God, marry, have children and stay home and raise them. To be submissive to my husband. No matter how hard I tried to follow those rules for my life I wasn’t happy. Of course, I know I’m capable of being a loving wife and a great Mom (Not perfect but I try my best). I just couldn’t be who he wanted me to be and I got tired of trying. I want to be who I feel I am and not constantly put on these masks to hide myself. Every time I let him see who I really was I received anger. He had no respect for me and was very controlling.

    Last night having my Mom talk to me just put me in a bad head space. I don’t really know how to handle any of my family because they disagree with my decisions. In one sentence they tell me how proud of me they are and how much they love me and the next they put down every decision I make. They tell me how great of a Mom I am then a few days later tell me that I am hurting my children more than I realize. It’s all very confusing.

    February 16, 2016 at 3:37 pm #96221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    In Deuteronomy 5:16 it says:”Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

    It doesn’t say anywhere to honor your children, as in Honor your child.

    So what we have is parents demanding to be honored but not honoring their children, not when they are young and not when they are older. And so the tradition of dishonoring one’s children continues and the world is in the mess it is in.

    When your mother tells you she loves you and is proud of you, this is true as long as you do what she thinks is right. She goes from praise to punishment, back to praise and then punishment all for the purpose of enforcing her way on you. Just like when you were a child and she lay on the floor crying so to make you feel guilty when you didn’t do things her way.

    This is a sad, sad reality and it takes a different thinking for you to honor your own children and respectfully disagree with your parents, honoring yourself.

    What do you think about my view here?

    anita

    February 16, 2016 at 4:00 pm #96222
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * More: I understand the strong attachment we have to our parents, no matter our age. It is in our genes to be attached, as a baby and child, to our mother. I don’t think we, most of us, ever grow out of this attachment. As children we will do anything to please our mother. No matter how harmful it is to ourselves. It is very sad that this attachment is so often abused by parents with whom it is … their way or the highway.

    I understand you have been working hard to develop your own independent views and beliefs and hope you continue in this endeavor.

    You are indeed going through a very hard time separating from your husband without the support of your parents. You need support and love through this and I am so sorry you don’t have your family’s support.

    Perhaps you can have the support you need elsewhere. I can myself tone down my strong sentiment about things, and be more calm and supportive of you! Right here on this thread. You can write anytime and I will respond, with empathy.

    Maybe you can get in person support elsewhere in your life…? Someone who does not believe in an adult woman being obedient to any person, be it husband or parents.

    Write anytime and take care of yourself!

    anita

    February 19, 2016 at 7:44 pm #96546
    Charity
    Participant

    I def agree with what you are saying. My Mom’s love is conditional and I’ve always known that. Of course she has to have others believing that she loves me unconditionally. That’s what “good” Moms do.

    I struggle on a daily basis because the only voice I seem to have in my head is this negative voice toward myself (which I know is me viewing myself through my Mom’s eyes). Just when I seem to feel semi ok in some area in my life that’s when my Mom or someone else seems to point out that area and show me how I’m failing. I try to be positive and for people who don’t know me they see a kind, caring, strong woman. I am afraid of ruining any new relationships/friendships I may make because I do not feel I deserve anything good in my life. In my past friendships I’m the friend that isn’t valued really. I’ll do anything for any friend but it seems when I no longer have any of myself to give and they are left with just me I’m no longer useful and quickly discarded and forgotten about.

    I’m sorry. I think I’m rambling tonight.

    February 19, 2016 at 7:58 pm #96547
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charity:

    No, you are not rambling. You make a lot of sense. The voice in your head that you mentioned, that negative voice toward yourself- I have it too. It has different names, known as a “toxic inner critic”. I call it “internal bully” and referred to it in the past as my Internalized (abusive) Mother. It really is that Freudian Superego.

    If you and I had a loving parent or parents, this voice would be a loving voice but having had a disapproving mother, that voice is equally disapproving. I know it, that voice, only too well and it has caused me so much distress.

    I think you are doing the right thing, separating from your abusive husband. I would greatly suggest limiting (I eliminated such) contact with your mother or any such unreasonable (!) family member.

    The goal should be, I believe, your mental well being. I hope you could attend therapy with a good, empathetic, hard working therapist. I wish you had someone in person with whom you felt that you made sense (you do!), someone that will be respectful to you (how refreshing that was to me: to be respected!)

    Please do post here anytime and I will answer.

    anita

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