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Need Advice on dealing with fear and anxiety due to abuse

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by Anonymous.
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  • #360096
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi there,

    My parents have been physically,emotionally and verbally abusive since my childhood. It has got worse in recent years.  I am having a hard time dealing with fear of getting abused for going my own way. They always use physical abuse to get what they want from me. I quit my IT job because of health issues due to high stress at job. Since then, I have been trying for a career change as my experience in IT and engineering field has made me realise that it’s not suitable for me. I shared the same with my parents and my Dad physically abused me because he doesn’t like me changing my career. After that, they played all sorts of tricks to get me act the way they want. I have stopped talking to them completely after a series of cruel abuse(hitting, slapping, pulling me by the hair and throwing me around, trying to hit me with chair from the back when I’m doing some work and completely off guard, banging on my door and windows loudly to make me go out of the room, constant verbal abuse). I just stay in my room most of the time. I currently want to go abroad for studies in a field which I like. I think that it is the best option for me in my current situation. But I am very scared and have severe anxiety whenever I think of my parent’s reaction about my career change. They love micromanaging my life and I can no longer allow them to do that. At the same time I am scared about what they might do to me, if I just go my way. It would be great if anyone could offer some advice on how I can deal with my parents and my inner fears.

    Thankyou.

    #360107
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ondo:

    I am so sorry to read about the terrible abuse you are suffering and have suffered by your parents. This is my advice:

    1. Consider your parents as your enemy because they are your combined enemy. (These are the actions of an enemy: “hitting, slapping, pulling me by the hair and throwing me around, trying to hit me with chair from the back.. banging on my door and windows.. constant verbal abuse”).

    2. Plan your escape from  the enemy.

    “I am very scared and have severe anxiety whenever I think of my parents’ reaction about my career change”- whenever possible, don’t give your parents any information whatsoever that may lead them to abuse you more. Hide information from them, don’t be honest with them. Tell them whatever will pacify them, and do all that you can do to leave their home ASAP.

    “I am scared about what they might do to me, if I just go my way”- go your way without letting them know that you are going your way. Make it so that when they find out that you went your way, it will be after you already left. That way you will not be there for them to abuse you.

    What do you think about my advice to you?

    anita

    #360341
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    Thankyou for the advice. I think your advice is effective. I will reread your points frequently whenever I feel like loosing myself. I really feel like I’m oscillating between two mind states. One state where I’m rational and calm and feel like I’ll be able to do it. Suddenly I imagine ‘what would happen if I’m caught, what would happen if they donot believe and become more crazy’. Then I get anxious. I’m bad at lying. So I get more nervous. This is what I understood from your advice:

    1. ‘Consider your parents as your enemy because they are your combined enemy’–> Enemy as I interpret in this scenario is someone who is trying to harm me. They are ‘danger’ for my physical and emotional well being.

    2. Plan your escape from  the enemy–> Making rational and working plan to protect myself from someone who wants to harm me.

    ‘go your way without letting them know that you are going your way.’–> I’m planning to do this. But always scared of ‘what ifs’.

     

    #360360
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ondo:

    You are welcome. “Suddenly I imagine ‘what would happen if I’m caught.. Then I get anxious”- fear is a very powerful emotion. We feel fear when we believe that we are in danger. It is natural for a human/ any animal to feel fear when perceiving danger. Fear feels intense because it is supposed to motivate intense action such as running away fast or fighting (the Flight/ Fight response to Fear).

    Your parents are your danger. It is sad, very sad when it happens.  I know this because my mother was my enemy, she was my danger. It was oh so terrible to live every day in fear.

    You can be stronger than the “what ifs”, you already survived in spite of what did happen. Endure and persist and execute a plan to move away from your parents and make a better life for yourself elsewhere. Do post anytime you want to, and I will be glad to read from you and reply further.

    anita

    #360904
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your support and validation. I have something more which I’m struggling with. I have been going through cycles of helplessness, sadness, exhaustion and depression. It has been over an year that I have quit my job. From the outside people just assume that I’m lazy, without even trying to understand what I’m going through. They think its their right to look down upon me and talk down on me just because I’m jobless. It had been very hard for me to maintain sanity while dealing with abuse and all the guilt trips from various people for ‘lazing around’. Only I know what I’m going through. I shared my problems with my brother in hopes that he might help me deal with the abuse, and to my shock, I only met with intense invalidation and character defamation. He too gets together with my parents to abuse me and justifies his abuse again using the same excuse that I’m jobless. All my life I have worked hard and did my best. I’m still doing my best. Is it so wrong that I got lost for some amount of time?  Am I supposed to feel guilty for my depression? Am I supposed to make myself feel useless just the way others want me to feel? Do others have a right to judge me based on their standards and assumptions? Do I have to be sorry to others because I’m suffering?

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