May 20, 2019 at 2:30 pm #294819
Many years ago, I met a guy online. He sent me a message through a social media network, and we started a conversation. Soon, we met for a coffee and rapidly escalated to a physical relationship (kind of friends with benefits thing), no strings attached we both agreed. So we had our “routine” and usually met certain days of the week, 2 or 3 times. In some of our “meetings,” we would go out for a coffee and talked about our lives and so on. Physically, our connection was so strong.
But after a few months, I started to develop feelings for him. I decided to tell him that the “relationship” we had wasn’t working for me anymore. I needed more. He was (always) frank with me and told me that he wasn’t ready for a commitment, with anyone. Maybe one day later. So, that day, our “relationship” was over. I tried to move on, but he kept messaging me. And this escalated to things: “what are you doing?”, “where are you?”. I was angry. Why was he doing that to me? I wanted him to “set me free.” I was weak, and I fell in his arms again. But only one time. On that day, I will never forget because we cuddle for a long time. Being under his embrace was a fantastic sensation. We didn’t have that before.
During this stage, I met another guy, and we became really good friends, and he came from a bad breakup so we could understand each other. On the other side, the messaging was frequent, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked him why he was doing that to me, does he hates me? He said no, he liked me and couldn’t stay far from me. And he also said: “Doesn’t matter where we are in life, we will always manage a way to find each other because we couldn’t be far from each other.” And I said, “No, you will find someone, marry, have children and forget about me.” He said: “No. Even if I marry, if you come and throw everything away.” And I said: “I would never come near you if you were married, I am not selfish like you!”. And for last he said: “So there is no other way. Marry me.”
When he said that sentence, I froze. Was he joking with me?! And he said he was serious and sent again the same message: “Marry Me.” I didn’t reply anymore, and from here, everything happened so fast. He got sick and diagnosed with cancer, and the doctors said he would have only a few months of life. We couldn’t meet much, but we talked a lot on the phone. I try to help him cope with his sickness and to help him ease his mind. This time he said that he regretted some things he did and wished that, if possible and if he survived, we could try again from zero. I was tempted to do so, but I needed to think. That time, I was so overloaded with work and one day he tried to call me. I was so busy, I couldn’t return his call but made a note to call the next day. It was too late. When I tried to call back, he didn’t answer. Later, his brother left me a message and told me he died that day.
To cope, I decided to “don’t feel.” I couldn’t handle the situation, so I erased everything from my mind. I think maybe it was the shock? I went one day to the cemetery to put white roses. He loved them. And for years, I didn’t enter the cemetery again. I couldn’t, to go there was to accept he was gone, and that was too much for me. 4 years after he died, precisely in the same month he died, I was involved in a near-fatal car crash. My car was completely destroyed (another car hit me, and my car made a flip in middle air), and doctors said it was a miracle. I was conscious, and I remember screaming his name and asking for his help. The most amazing thing was my father received an anonymous call where a male voice said I had an accident, but I was okay. My father asked who was he and the voice said: “A friend” and disconnected the call. I didn’t saw anyone familiar in the crash place. I was alone. Who made the call? In my apartment, the clock stopped in the same hour of the accident. Everything was so strange I asked help to a spiritual guide. This person suggested that I should mourn his loss and end this “chapter” in my life. I did, and now I go a few times per year to the cemetery, and I learn to “talk with him.” The same way we talk with our loved ones that already passed away.
A Medium once contacted me, saying that his spirit contacted him. He wanted to tell me he was sorry for everything and that he will always protect me. He loves me, and he will wait for me one day. There is more he wanted to say, but that will only be answered when we meet again.
I now feel peace with this. I am a married woman and moved on. However, I will always carry him in my heart. But I still feel many signs from him. For example, I never cry when I go to the cemetery, but last time I felt my chest heavy and couldn’t breathe. I started to cry and ran to my car. I “questioned” him, are you trying to say something to me? And when I turn on the car, I immediately hear a song with this sentence: “you live in me. How hard it is to live without you”.
Do you think this is crazy? Or I am insane? I feel like I have my own “guardian angel,” but honestly, I don’t even know how to deal with this situation.
Sorry for the long story! Thank you!May 20, 2019 at 4:29 pm #294847
It gave me chills when I read your story, very beautiful. I don’t think you are crazy at all. It very well could be your guardian angel, a soul mate. I don’t know how you’ve dealt with all that, how heartbreaking. It seems like he has had quite an impact on your life, maybe it changed you for the better? You say you are married now, maybe it helped bring you to exactly where you are now. I think it’s beautiful and you’re not insane! <3
JennaMay 20, 2019 at 11:34 pm #294881
Thank you for your reply. Yes, it had a big impact in my life. So big that I think I will never forget him. And this “sort of” connection we have, I was always afraid to told another people (only my 2 best friends know), because I am afraid that people think I am crazy or stupid for thinking this way. I am glad you don’t think that of me 🙂
Because of that accident, I met my future husband. One of my husband’s friend, saw my car news on Facebook and put a comment. Through her, I met him. My husband knows this story as well, he cried when I told him.
Yes, I am happier now 🙂 The only thing I used to blame myself was why I didn’t answered the phone. He wanted to talk with me and we couldn’t say goodbye. With time I learned to accept it. It’s not easy, took me years do cope but it’s possible.
Until the day I die, I will go to the cemetery and put white roses on his grave. In a way of saying I am here for you as you are with me. I will never let him go (in a good way).
Thanks Jenna for your words! <3