Dear MKnox,

I hear and understand your pain. And I see you are also very conflicted: a part of you still wants your abuser and his parents to hear you out and show you some empathy, even though another part of you knows it won’t happen. Here is the rational part of you, understanding what happened and that you won’t really get closure from them:

I think it was a big mistake unmasking him in the end and trying to stand up for myself and demand the respect of being able to have a voice and receive closure.

Its all lies and contradictions and manipulation and gaslighting.

How could someone do this to another person and just not even care? Much more i think he WANTS to destroy me and gets pleasure from my pain. Its just so devastating.

And here is another part of you who is confused as to what happened, because she wants to hope that it wasn’t all that bad:

With this relationship I have no picture, I have no understanding.

I can never truly understand the truth and it drives me mad that i cannot.

When I could put my finger on what happened and finally say this is it, You are a narcissist or worse a sociopath or psychopath I at least had some understanding and logically I can know this is the truth but emotionally i just cannot understand.

The emotional part is your inner child – the little girl that was hurt by her parents and cannot understand it because how could they hurt someone they are supposed to love. She is still looking for their apology, she still believes that if she wrote them a letter, they would finally understand and stop abusing her. And maybe even start loving her. Only you aren’t hoping to get it from your own parents, but from your ex and his parents. But the wound fueling your longing and your hope is the same: the wounded little girl who just wants her parents to finally show compassion for her, because it’s unbearable to think that they don’t love her, when she loves them so much and has even forgiven them for their abuse:

And god if your the kind of person that would read all this and hear the victim say they just want to forgive and have a voice and have closure and move on and be done with this and still try to hurt them then youre a truly evil person and i dont think thats true. esp of his father.

You said you’re not projecting your parental issues, but unfortunately, you are, because it’s the little girl who needs that closure. She cannot get it from her parents, so she is desperate to get it from his parents, specially his father. Can you see that?

I know if they did the right thing, it would make healing a lot easier for me.

You make your healing and recovery dependent on the abuser and his enablers. Do you see how it lowers your chances of healing?

Closure not a thing you can give to yourself. Closure involves both parties being on the same page.

Not necessarily. In some cases, e.g. in the case of rape, should the victim wait for the abuser to apologize and only then move on and heal?

Closure is having that full picture of what happened in the relationship and being on the same page together about what happened.

The first part is true: the victim needs to have the full picture of that happened without excusing the abuse. The second part isn’t true: you don’t need the abuser’s apology in order to heal. A rape victim doesn’t. She could wait her whole life and never get the apology she is hoping for.

Apologies and forgiveness are there and both can move forward knowing how to grow from it.

What if the abuser doesn’t want to grow from it?  What if he doesn’t even admit that he did anything wrong?

All I can do is give myself understanding and information and learn to heal from this and it will take so much longer and leave more wounds than if they did the right thing.

Again, the first part is true: you can and should give yourself understanding and information and learn to heal.

The second part isn’t true: it won’t take much longer to heal, and it’s because you won’t depend on their apology – an apology you might be waiting for the rest of your life. It will be much quicker and less painful if you stop waiting for their apology and give yourself closure.

I know it’s hard for you, because the little girl inside of you is still waiting to be loved by her abusers… but if you want to heal, you would need to give love to that little girl. You don’t need to do it alone though – a good therapist can give you the compassion and understanding that you long for and deserve.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear MKnox,

I do not expect them to read the letter and change their behavior. I only want to be able to say the truth of what happened. This is for me! not them!

This is different than what you said in your previous post. In your previous post you said:

if they did the right thing, it would make healing a lot easier for me.

Closure not a thing you can give to yourself. Closure involves both parties being on the same page. Closure is having that full picture of what happened in the relationship and being on the same page together about what happened. Apologies and forgiveness are there and both can move forward knowing how to grow from it. All I can do is give myself understanding and information and learn to heal from this and it will take so much longer and leave more wounds than if they did the right thing.

So in your previous post you said your healing depends on them and their reaction. I said this attitude isn’t helpful and would make it more difficult for you to heal. But if you don’t expect anything from them and only want to put it in writing – I guess a testimony of sorts – which you will hand to your friend, it’s a different story.

I just don’t know if from the legal standpoint sending them a letter (even if it happens via your friend) represents a violation of the restraining order?

Dear MKnox,

I was also saying true closure comes with both parties communicating and being on the same page, and i feel what I am doing is different from true closure because both parties are not involved.

True closure – I guess this would mean both parties agreeing on what lead to the breakup and remaining friends after the breakup – is rare even in less toxic relationships. The party that is left behind is often angry at her partner and think they betrayed them. The party that initiated the breakup lost empathy and understanding for their partner, or may feel guilty that they don’t love them any more. None of that is really conducive to dialogue and landing on the same page. So even in less toxic relationships, there is rarely “true closure”, the way you define it.

Amicable separation, with partners separating as friends, usually only happens when both parties have found new partners and both want to leave the relationship. All other scenarios lead to a more or less uncomfortable separation, specially for the party who is left behind.

What I am trying to say is that amicable separation is very rare. But what’s good is that amicable separation is not a precondition for true healing. Numerous victims of abuse have healed without their abuser’s apologizing. And numerous women (and men) in non-abusive relationships have healed after the breakup – even if the other party wasn’t on the same page as them. So the notion that “true closure” is only possible if the breakup is amicable  – is not really true. True closure is possible with proper healing and processing. You don’t need the other party for that.

As for the letter, I wouldn’t leave it on your friend to decide about its destiny. It’s too big of a responsibility for them. You would need to decide for yourself whether you want to send it or not. My advice is not to, because you’ll still be hoping for some reaction, and if the reaction is bad, you’ll feel even worse.

My advice is to write the letter and give it to a trusted therapist, as a way to express yourself and have your voice heard. With time, you can start speaking out and writing on the issue of narcissistic abuse, helping other women as well.

Dear MKnox,

you are welcome.

I don’t have a therapist. I cannot afford a quality one right now and the wrong one can worsen my condition.

Perhaps there is a support group for victims of narcissistic abuse that you can attend for free (or even online)? You said you’re suffering from PTSD symptoms and that your life is a mess. That’s why it would be important to have some psychological support. It’s good though that you have trusted friends, who were with you in your hardest moments.

Dear MKnox,

you are very welcome,  I am glad this was helpful to you. I’ve watched Dr. Ramani’s videos, she really is a great expert, I’ve learned a lot about narcissism and other mental health issues from her.

I am going to accept that they will never do the right thing and give up on any line of thinking in that direction. I will not wish he will give me closure or try to seek it out because I know he will not. I will not try to have any contact with him or his parents. If I see him I will go in the other direction and I will not seek him out in any way. I will write this letter and give it my friend and then put this in my past be done with it and just work on healing myself from this terrible trauma. I will realize that he doesnt win and I am not helpless because he will always be a monster but I can get well. My mantra will be success is the best revenge if I ever start thinking about it. I will work hard to heal.

This is such a beautiful resolution for your own healing! You may even print it out and put it on a visible place, so you can always remind yourself when in doubt. If you stick to these principles, you’ll definitely be able to get stronger and heal from his abuse. Truly, you aren’t helpless and you can get well, and you don’t need absolutely anything from your abuser to get better. Your healing is in your own hands, and you can do it, with the help of those who truly care about you.

I am praying and rooting for your healing as well. Best of luck to you, dear MKnox!