First of all, go on a Honeymoon. Two weeks alone with DH in a new setting.

Hey, I hear you about the soul consuming anger.

I had something like this, but to a much lesser extent. Along with the inevitable visits several times a year. Coupled with her trying to cast nagging doubts about me, her and/or DH.

What we did was literally, and unthinkably, get away during the holidays. Yes, the extended family exploded. Yes, hurt feelings were involved. But guess what? When they only see you once a year or every other year, a lot of the momentum is lost. These people move on to other victims.

I would also conveniently send DH on business trips or to his mother’s or sailing with the boys when I knew she would stop by.

Good Luck!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

No, what happens is people ask about her. Since I have made the family busy, I truthfully shrug my shoulders and ask them if they’ve heard from her. Some people know the scene, but she is not a threat, she’s a wanna-be threat, and a little wacky, so is not taken that seriously.

She herself was always, “Are you mad at me?”

Me: “No, not at all. Bean dip?”

Or she’d try desperately to make digs at me. I would ignore, and wouldn’t confront, which drove her crazy.

Finally she yelled, “I AM NOT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND!!”

I just stared at her and lifted my eyebrows and said nothing. I let it hang. I had said nothing over the years to jibs and jabs, and was always cordial. I would never give her the satisfaction of knowing that she ever “got” to me, or that I thought she was a threat.

Hope that helps!!

Heidi,

In addition to the other strategies, consider that healing from inner conflict is a about befriending, forgiving our foes and ourselves. Buddha taught that anger is like a hot coal we grab onto with the intention of throwing it at our enemy. But the hand, heart, that burns is our own. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that if you felt more secure in the starry eyes your husband gives to her bride, the exes issues perhaps wouldn’t blip. A gentle tap on the cheek, a “pardon me sis, you’re staring at my apples again, find your own”. You remember what its like to feel lonely, unloved, its tough. If shes trying to break up a matrimony, she must be lonely, scared, insecure… and while you don’t have to try to help her, being free, confident, peaceful in your own heart is about not letting her actions grow hatred inside you. Consider a simple mantra/prayer of forgiveness: “No matter what conditions are bringing up her behavior, I forgive her for her unskillfulness. No matter what conditions are bringing up my hatred, I forgive myself for my unskillfulness. May we be free from whatever entangles us with lessons learned.”

Finally, consider talking to your DH when you feel insecure,opening up your tender fears so he has a chance to hug you, assure you, sing to you his heartsong. Keep it on your side, be inviting, such as “her presence in our life troubles me, brings up pain inside me. Will you help me feel secure in our love? Remind me our home is safe for me to be vulnerable?” Its you and him looking out at the world together, dear bride, for as long as you two keep sharing space, breath. You can keep your home safe without swords, bright without fire.

With warmth,
Matt

Heidi,

Your hatred isn’t petty, its just pain and fear all crunched up into a hate-appearing ball of energy. If he’s getting angry, perhaps he’s scared too, that he doesn’t know how to help you find peace, happiness. Let it be an exploration together, such as “husband, I don’t know what is going on, may we dance hand in hand and try to see?”. Not “fix me”, “assure me” or any other combative ways, but rather like gentle kisses.

For instance, one practice that could help is to rest with your discomfort and have the courage to ask for help. Perhaps he could give some gentle kisses on your forehead, eyes, face, and in between each, say something he enjoys about you. Along the way, try to breathe, listening deeply, feeling the kisses. When my wife and I practice this, along the way her knot of fear opens up back into passion, and she blossoms, then pounces. 🙂 Or, maybe he is the one that needs kisses? Tender assurance that despite the onset of odd difficulty, he is your king, and you are his queen? Either way, when we share tenderness, the bridge between hearts remains well lit, stable.

Namaste, sister, may your misses get kisses.

With warmth,
Matt

Who are you hurting but yourself by hating.

you are tempting an entity by hating.
It thrives on hate and will eventually turn your life upside down.
IT SPEAKS TO YOUR THOUGHTS. CAN YOU SEE THAT?
TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND, LET HIM HADLE THIS PROBLEM.
YOUR THOUGHTS ARE TELLING YOU SOMETHING.
THIS IS THE TRUTH.
LOUISE