Hm-m-m, I am not sure it is about the ego. Or maybe I don’t quite see what you mean here. I remember that after the devastation that my breakup with #1 wrought on me, I talked about it to maybe from 7 to 10 people altogether over the course of three months or so. I think at a certain point my whole being just gets tired being stuck on the same thing, kind of gets bored of recounting and rehashing the same story over and over. And it stops. I suspect that this writing here, on this site, would be my last episode of processing that. It is also logical to an extent because about two months ago I stopped having that guy on my mind all the time, the one I had had for over a year.

What she chooses to do does not change any of those things.

Yes! That is very important! You are who you are, and you are not defined by what others do to you. You do what you need to do and leave the rest to fate, life, destiny, God, what- or whomever, to the natural flow of events.

It is terribly hard for somebody like me to let go, but I fully agree with those quotes and blogs that mention that letting go also brings on a feeling of being at peace. You let life in.

what do you think makes up a soulmate?

I am afraid I stopped believing in soulmates after #3. You know, I sort of kept putting off and off this moment, first agreeing that okay, maybe #1 or #2 weren’t my soulmate, but I never had intercourse with them. But after #3, after that intense chemistry, so many things in common (like attracts like, and I can see where certain features or beliefs of mine could correspond to his, that is why I, the way I was then, could attract somebody like him), after the love we shared, all those experiences together, that much time together as a couple, after all that became nothing, a folder on my computer that I have absolutely no desire to open, a sealed envelope with my analyses of the situations and lists and several photos (well, he helped me tremendously assembling furniture and setting my up when I moved in my current location, but since he doesn’t care about it any more, I had a moral right not to think about it and to release it all; also, one’s eye gets used to what one sees every day), I can only believe in that the world is ruled by chance and there are only coincidences. Like they say in physics (and nobody really seems to understand how this may be so, but it seems to be so), nature tries to achieve entropy, chaos, not the state of perfect order and regularity and consistency.

That’s my take on it now. In other words, we indeed can have many soulmates, depending on what stage in life (and in our personal development) we are at.

She tells me that I do the same for her, and I really believe her.

This is very encouraging! But I don’t see how an open marriage can help you to achieve a better state of being if the idea of it is not appealing to you (more below). Besides (sorry, and I am very well aware that your wife is not my ex) people say things that they don’t believe, people say things that they believe in while they are saying them, people’s stances and opinions change, etc.

Matt, when I mentioned to that male acquaintance of mine whose criterion of finding a woman attractive or not was a look at a “family photo” from afar, that my ex may very well come back to me, he was very expressive and flat. “Once cheated, that’s the end of it.” Turned out his wife had cheated on him; he is now married for the second time and says that is much much happier than he was before or could ever imagine to be.

In fact, I am surprised that you are so open to the idea of an open marriage. I was under the impression that men are far more possessive than women.

You know, it hit me on the head yesterday what you were trying to do with this open marriage thing. You were trying to do exactly what I was trying to do with the idea of being my #2’s and #3’s mistress – what does it matter if they don’t sleep with their wives, if their marriages are only on paper? Especially, if the wife knows about me (like with #3)? I am not after their fortune, I don’t care about appearing in society or at work with them, I only want to be the one who is on their minds and whom they care about more than anything. Turned out it was impossible.

The same was when I got this, this and that pointing at (as my gut would tell me) that my ex’s interest in me was on the wane.

I tried to logically talk myself into that this is not it, brought up examples when I felt it was A, but in reality it was B, remembered all those articles that read that passions could not always run high, that feelings wax and wane, that I need to give him more freedom, etc.

Turned out my gut was right. Actually, my most recent guy told me as well that he believed one should go with the intuition.

AND, Matt, this was exactly anita’s point on that other thread of mine. That I should trust my emotions (logic and reason make up only half of a human being; we are not machines or computers) and that I should stop paying that much attention to details and go with the overall, general impression, the big picture.

I believe that is exactly what you are trying to do. You don’t like the idea on your basic, instinctive level, but you are trying to talk yourself into, thinking “But if I look at it from this angle? Or from this one? And if I stand on my head?…” However, what you are examining doesn’t change from the way you are looking at it, nor does your attitude, that deeper, basic, instinctive attitude.

You might think my example is not very appropriate, but here it is. I can’t stand spinach. That is, if it is spinach in greens, fine, if it is spinach pasta, great, but I can’t stand canned spinach. I get a gag reflex at the slightest smell of it. Well, I know that spinach is super healthy (as for the open marriage, it is not so unequivocal), so I am trying myself to talk into eating it. I pinch my nose, I try to concentrate on all of the taste receptors in my mouth, but no matter what I do, when the fork is one inch away from my mouth, I gag.

I think you are trying to do the very same thing.

Well, with spinach, I can get the same vitamins and minerals elsewhere.

With your wife, it is different. You are not trying to convince yourself to love your wife, you are trying to convince yourself to love what your wife loves (let’s put it this way).

The difference from the pleasure received from the hike is that your wife doesn’t mind that you are hiking (I should think she doesn’t, but if, for instance, you were drinking or if you were a drug-addict?) whereas you don’t instinctively like the idea that she receives pleasure from another person.

I think you need to explore more that feeling of what you are afraid of and what would happen if you don’t do it.

Again, I think the key thing here is what YOU are FEELING when you think of her and that other man.

Another prospective. She (or another woman in her place) may think that you are a door mat if you agreed to share her with somebody.

What if this was a test?

You never know what result the other person expects.

Better be yourself.

My first, bigger post is awaiting moderation. The other day it happened, it took about 10 or 12 hours for the post to appear.

Have a great Friday night and a really good weekend!

X

Hey, Matt!

It may be fear after all.

You don’t have to fear that shoes or bags will take your wife away from you.

(I have never been into fashion, clothing, shoes, bags, makeup; I don’t cook and never liked sewing or knitting; have never wanted to wear skirts or dresses, unless they were long – so on the surface I could just as well question myself being a woman ;))

But you love your wife, and you have every reason to believe that not complying with her wishes will take her away from you (which you fear and don’t want). So your subconscious is conditioning your body to accept the situation, which would otherwise be unacceptable. Hence all your questioning, reasoning, trying to see why not, etc.

What do you think?

X

Hi, Matt,

Yes, my weekend went very well, thank you for asking (and thank you for wishing me a great one before that ;)). This weekend and the one before that was very productive, I’d put it this way. I do seamanship training once every two weeks, had to do a make-up in addition to that and also it was time for my fall cleaning. Some things remain to be done this weekend, but after that I can relax and really savour being at home and not having to go anywhere and be on time for anything.

I need to be able to honestly communicate with my wife on a very deep and open level. Something that I had never practiced in the past. You know the whole men talking about their feelings thing

Aha, so psychologists are right more often than not after all! :))) Of course, one always has to adjust for that particular given individual, but still…

Maybe, but maybe as my wife and I communicate more, and I start to give her the attention that she is craving, an open marriage is not needed.  My wife told me this weekend that since I have been opening up with her, and have been spending more time focusing on her that she hasn’t been texting with Jay as much.

That is such good news!!! Do keep it up! Very happy and glad for you both!!! So she was craving attention from you. Another thought had also crossed my mind before – that open marriage thing might be also a desire to have one’s cake and eat it, too. Here, however, again, one needs to root for the cause of it. Say, I am convinced that in the case of my ex, his not divorcing straight away, when he was head over heels for me, was due to the fact that that would have put him back on his career path and he didn’t have that many years ahead of him to fulfill the dream he had been pursuing since childhood. Later on, however, when everything seemed to be going as planned, not quite, but more or less, he didn’t want to divorce her (his love for me already being on the wane EVEN THOUGH there were a lot of things that could be seen as proof that that was not so) because he needed somebody there to keep up the house for him, him being so focused on his career. He basically kept his wife as a housekeeper and me as a mistress dangling that carrot before both of us that he would eventually choose either one. Of course, all that on the subconscious level, like a dog would know whom to approach for a handout or a two-year old kid would know with whom of his family throwing a fit would work and with whom – no way. Actually, I was the one who told him that when the wife and the mistress are so locked in their positions, neither one budging, the man finds a third one. Which exactly what happened.

So your wife may have been indeed communicating that much with Jay to provoke a response from you, to make you think what you might be missing (and she succeeded!), or she may have indeed been in limbo, like I was at one point not knowing whether to stay with my married #2 (who stopped even mentioning divorce after having said that he would be considering it once I had returned back from my home country) or to go to #3 (who was also married, but seemed to be willing to go to great lengths for me to be in his life while he was married and to divorce “after a year or two”). I was very much in love with #2, but the disappointment was already starting to take its toll and the love for #3 was already starting to develop. It was a terrible six weeks emotion-wise, wouldn’t wish it upon the worst enemy (not that I have one).

It has been shown that just touching your partners skin releases an endorphin rush in the brain. Increased dopamine, that feeling of pleasure is what keeps you connected with that person.

True. At the same time, I also read that men often withdraw there and when women feel the utmost connection. You can find more on this, I’ll just quickly quote what I have read before in a number of spots. “Men feel love when a woman is happy resulting from something he did. This causes him to bond with her. Once he bonds, oxcytocin, another hormone, gets pumped into his system. While oxcytocin helps women relax and causes them to bond and fall in love after sex, this hormone  makes men feel stressed. This is partly because their testosterone levels drop below normal. As a result, men often withdraw to recoop. They need to remember their independence and do “guy stuff” in order to rebuild their testosterone to normal levels. That’s when they are ready to come back to you. Turns out this is all very normal for the regular guy. Too much closeness can cause him to retreat and this is a direct results of his hormones.”

So… Would this be true for you as a man?

I will start first with the idea of exploring these emotions. This process is surely new to me, I have lived my life burying my emotions and feelings. Most of my life has gone by with an emotional flat line. There were up and down spikes here and there but looking inside and expressing those feelings/emotions was not something that I did. So why now, I don’t know exactly other than it feels like the thing I need to do. It is extremely uncomfortable, but quite freeing. Kinda like that flashlight idea, the more I shine that light around these areas that I have been hiding, the more I realize that I have been lying to myself, hiding things from myself, or not really living life to the fullest. And I like that notion of living life outside your comfort zone. I have felt more alive over the last couple of months than I have in awhile. Even though it has caused some hurt and misery. I like the idea of spending more time exploring who I really am.

That is great for a number of reasons! One, it proves my guess that all those books, classic novels that critics tout as ingenious insights into the human psyche showing HOW EXACTLY the characters arrived at this or that, achieved some sort of enlightenment, became better persons, are pretty much nonsense. One can, I think, list all the reasons and events leading up to the realization of something, but I don’t think one can really describe how exactly or when it worked. It just happened, like an idea forming in one’s mind, like a bulb in those comic books. Only later, when we try to reason, to talk to oneself, only then do we start forming sentences; before that, it was a sudden occurrence of an idea, nothing more.

Second, I would very much love your case to be the reason for me to hope that my “most recent” guy will finally find peace with himself. (And yes, I would like to have reason to hope that he will search me out again, like he did two times already, one out of the blue (even though I knew that we had chemistry – we met originally when I was still with my ex) and the other one after a two-month silence. But I want (and sort of hope, but not hold my breath and live my life) him to do it this time for real, because he would have healed.)

I don’t think he and his wife will ever really get back together. Out of curiosity, I looked up his Twitter account yesterday after a lapse (not so hard to do now) of over a month. Still no ring (it has been over a year now), doing a tour (you could call him a public figure, and it might be one more reason for him not to divorce his wife lest she should start a smearing campaign and make his affair of several years ago known), ticking off his bucket list items (he retired quite early), looking as if he sometimes drinks in the evenings and as if he put on a little weight. Avoids being at home at all costs.

Now, I don’t know if he is going to continue like this forever (though I wonder what will happen once his bucket list is all done and the daughter is off to college – or maybe his wife WILL finally realize that this is NOT a family life (if she hasn’t done it already and is merely waiting for the girl to leave the family nest; but my ex’s wife was doing all she could to turn a blind eye to her husband living a full double life with me – she was so blindly in love with him as I was and as his current wife is – narcissists are great at that) and take the decisive step), and I certainly can’t count on him searching me out again but for good this time when he could try and get back with that other woman (I don’t know the details of their romance at all), but I do hope he finds peace with himself, because what he is doing right now sure looks like distracting himself while avoiding being with his wife. For my ex, it would certainly be a no-brainer to fall in love with somebody new (and I expect him to do it again in several years), but this guy had been faithful to his wife for 25 years and still can’t forget that other woman completely even though it has been seven years now since the affair, so there is reason to believe that he is not somebody who falls in love just like that.

I am certainly not in love with him. I don’t even know him well – we did discuss nearly everything in writing, but it is not the same as getting to know the person in everyday life, even our regular communication lasted for four months.

I am willing to understand and forget his behaving as if he was falling for me and then basically ghosting on me. I can very well see how intense prolonged stress at home could be the root of it.

I could say that I would be willing to explore the possibility of being with him should he be free and available, also mentally. ‘Cause even though he acted as if he were falling for me two years ago, there were a few red flags that didn’t allow me to believe that he was “all there.”

But I still can’t forget how much chemistry we had, how good it felt to be cuddling with him and, OMG, how witty our chats were, it felt as if fireworks were crackling all around when we chatted! And we discussed some pretty serious things, too, so that also adds to my bewilderment as to how somebody, who feels things so deeply, could behave like that.

Well, I did try to get a rebound with somebody else when my ex announced that he was no longer in love with me. But I checked myself in time, in one day, basically, not after four months.

Add to that all that guy’s blushing and coming up to talk to me later, after “ghosting” on me, and I should really think that he liked me; at least he would consider me an option if he were free.

On the other hand, I knew a couple of guys on whom I would produce that “bowerbird” effect, but their actions would show later that that “effect” only proved that they were willing to have sex with me, not to really care for me.

Still, the vibes I was getting from them were just like that – “sex only,” but the vibes from that guy were totally different.

Pity I haven’t met him in person since August 2016 – I am sure I would know if we met face to face. But he is still in the area, so who knows-?…

She is my soulmate, during our 13 year hiatus when we had zero contact, she always had a place in my subconscious. She was the bar that every other woman I met/dated had to live up to. I none of those individuals even came close to making me feel the same as my wife. Sure there were some who had I had intense physical connection with, and some who I had great social chemistry with.

So I wonder, if there is any way you can dig it up in your psyche and heart, how you managed not to forget her and, at the same time, how you managed to be with somebody else (and kind of compare them to her) if you still remembered her?

I also wonder (and forgive me for the way I put this) why you are not afraid or, rather, ashamed to acknowledge that you love your wife so much, to the point of willing to try an open marriage? (At least, were; hopefully, this is no longer the case.) Or you were able to do it only because no one knows who you are on Tiny Buddha? And you wouldn’t be mentioning this to your male friends for fear of being ridiculed? Or they would understand and not ridicule you for this?

And, since you seem to be such a perfect specimen (no offence intended) of a loving husband and doting father, I would like to hear your thoughts on the following. You know, I must have had some sort of that Electra complex (anita and I dug into this on my thread), because I was totally aware of the fact that my desire not to have children was due not only to the fear of pain when giving birth and not only to the unwillingness to be responsible for somebody spending attention, time, money on him or her and (possibly) getting nothing in return, but primarily, it was due to the unwillingness to share my partner with anybody, even if it were our child. Of course, the fact that nothing is guaranteed and that the father of my child(-ren) may die, leave us, etc. didn’t add to the desire to have children either. Well, I was more willing to have a son than a daughter, but how can one predict?

So I would be grateful if you could elaborate a bit more on how different your feelings towards your daughter are from those for your wife and why somebody like me needs not to be afraid of having children if their father is somebody like you?

Finally, if you could please cast a glance to that other thread of mine and maybe share your thoughts on my response to your guess as to what the reason for my running into unavailable men is, I would really, really appreciate it!

Have a wonderful evening!

X

Matt,

Question,  so this guy that you have the Chemistry with, has an ex-wife he has kids with, you as a mistress for  a time, and now a current wife?

Oh, Matt, I am afraid I am really confusing with all these “guys of mine.”

Well, to set the record straight, here is the short synopsis of my ex’s love life (my ex = #3 in my other post):

Wife #1 was from college. Married for two years. She gives birth to a child. He knows that his sperm count is low and asks for a genetic test. The baby is not his. They divorce never to communicate again.

Wife #2. Married for seven years. A son born in Year 5 of the relationship. He doesn’t want to upset his parents looking forward to a grandchild, so doesn’t ask for a genetic test. Still doesn’t know whether the boy is his or not. Says the relationship with the wife was bad even before the son was born. Divorced in Year 7.

Between marriages 2 and 3 had several affairs, two of which were with married women who (very wisely – I am surprised they did it or, rather, didn’t do it) decided against divorcing their husbands and marrying him.

Wife #3. In Year 6 meets me. Our relationship goes on until Year 12 when he meets his current wife and for three months or so tells me nothing. Divorces his wife #3 six months after meeting the current wife.

And the guy whom I finally stopped having on my mind two months ago is most often referred to by me as “most recent guy.” Here is the story from that other post.

In June, out of the blue, that guy I can’t stop thinking about now (very mildly compared to the other crushes), wrote to me. We had met before, met in the autumn of 2015, met several times for joint assignments… Besides that, I remember posting for some picture together in front of other people, my elbow against his arm, something was there… Then at a corporate meeting he barely noticed me, so I forgot about him. Then in June, I saw him again after his return from a business trip, and was surprised that he remembered my name. Then he wrote to me out of the blue. We kept the correspondence for six weeks or so (I remember thinking, “What is going on? If you want to ask me out, just ask me out!”) then he invited me to a get-together with other friends and colleagues, I couldn’t come because I had to be elsewhere because of work. Hadn’t heard from him until October 2015 when we started corresponding again (he wrote to me again). That one went pretty well until February 2016 when he stopped for good. We had one full day together talking plus met for a couple of hours for a walk and had a small talk at work one day. During that one-day meeting, he told me about his family troubles. To cut the long story short, he had been married to his high school sweatheart for 20+ years, then met somebody and went crazy. I don’t know why he didn’t divorce for that other woman, but their romance was stopped. He still couldn’t forget her all the way. So needless to say that no counselling for getting back together with his wife helped. I can count at least three times when he put his wedding ring back on and four times when he took it off. The last one was in February 2016 (put on), took off in June or July 2016. But didn’t write to me again. There were a couple of lines from him, but nothing leading to a meaningful discussion of his behavior. He flirted several times and (I think) tried to find out whether I was still single. But nothing. And oh yes, and in December 2015, after a particularly nasty quarrel with his wife, he wanted to crash on my floor. We had never even kissed, just hugged, and I had no intention to sleep with him, and by then I had read advice from men that in similar cases men should be treated as friends (one doesn’t obsess about friends if they don’t write every day, does one?), so I tried to treat him as a friend. He cancelled his visit that night adding that he “can’t have a serious relationship now. I can only be a friend, a good friend, a fun friend, but nothing more than a friend.” Well, we never went out even as friends after that, so I guess he wasn’t such a good friend after all. Then he stopped writing at all, as I mentioned above. Our paths crossed at work a couple of times, our eyes locked for what seemed like eternity, but he never wrote of his own accord. Once we even met at a friend’s party, he sought a place opposite mine, even blushed (he is red, so it is easy to see), but nothing. And then he left work altogether. I found about that on his Twitter, wrote to him a thankful letter to which received a very kind reply saying that he enjoyed our talks and correspondence and adding, “My crazy life is still crazy.” After that I forwarded him some fun stuff with no text from me, he would always reply. A couple of times, he would even ask something pertaining to those fun forward links from me. But nothing developed into meaningful discussions like before.

Maybe that’s for the better, since I remember that in 2016, I thought that he had got to know each other so well and the spark is obviously there, so come on, stop procrastinating, let’s start dating (after divorce, of course – his wife asked him out of their house and he had been renting an apartment for several months).

After reading Tiny Buddha and following similar situations with either divorcing or recently divorced men (this one is not even divorcing yet – presumably waiting for his younger daughter to whom he is very attached to graduate (in three years; son graduating this year)), I know that he has a lot of issues to address within himself, find out himself before he is good dating material. Even if he divorced and we got together, I doubt that it would last. And when he divorces (I don’t see how they can stay together given what I know and feel), he may very well seek that other woman whom he still can’t forget, he may reach out to me – again! – like he did two times already or – like my #3 – he could meet somebody new, fall in love and divorce his wife for that new lady. No guarantee that it would last either.

I remember how I was thrown aback when we met in November 2015 after that renewed correspondence lasting for one month. I thought it was some kind of a date, and he goes – straight away, upon seeing me – “I don’t want to marry, I just want to pass a nice evening” (which we did, staying up cuddling and talking until 2:30 in the morning, didn’t even kiss). Or, on that very day, he told me that he would never marry his wife again (like Elizabeth Taylor did), and then, after two or three months tried to get back with her, however involuntarily that might have been.

This kinda strikes me as something that Jay may say in the future once all of this is said and done.

Jay is not married, is he?

Not quite a fantasy world, because she is very much the same person, but from a place where she can not be concerned about the other roles that she has in our life. I am not sure that makes sense but it is a thought

You know, people with vivid imaginations (like me) often imagine some imaginary friends (like kids do) or lovers when they get older. So Jay may very well be performing that function for your wife, only he is a real person. As a side note, psychologists say that there is nothing wrong with people or kids having imaginary friends (let’s put it this way). As long as people can distinguish who is real and who is not, there is no harm.

I would say that meeting face to face would be the true tell, but I would also say that unfortunately to carrying all of the risk in that situation. I mean the fireworks could still be amazing, and the best case scenario would be that it would spark something in him to acknowledge feelings. But the downside is that it would leave everything up in the air again and you would continue having to deal with these unanswered feelings and maybe something that can’t ever be fully explored.

This is exactly what happened in August 2016 when I saw him last. We hadn’t seen each other since March, I believe. Well, there was one additional time when our eyes met across other people’s heads in the corridor, so I know that he had seen me and recognized me (but never called or texted how I was). A similar thing occurred in July 2016 when I felt somebody’s gaze on me, looked up to meet him glancing away. That was at a distance, and soon he left. Again, no call or message. And then was that friend’s party that I described above. It almost felt like a date to me, us sitting opposite each other, only surrounded by many other people. But maybe it is wishful thinking on my part.

You know, I couldn’t stand having him on my mind all this time and wrote to him in June this year saying basically that I was still interested in him. He replied almost exactly like he had written to me back in December 2015 when he cancelled his crashing on my floor. Let me quote what he replied. “Wow, [my name], I’m flattered.   And sorry.   And ugh.   I’m sorry if I caused any problems.  I have been a total mess in my life!     And super busy.   I’m with my son getting him ready for college now!    Anyway, I’m still here.   But the same old mess…”

And also given that I have seen men flutter around me only then to reveal by their actions that what they wanted was only to sleep with me, I would still not know unless he told me directly. And even if he felt something, I bet he had gotten a good lesson when he was that love-struck seven years ago to try something again while married. But I don’t think he feels something for me right now. And what he felt back then, two years ago, was close, but not what I really want. You see, we communicated so much, yet there were some things happening around (with weather, for instance) that should have made him inquire how I was doing if he really cared for me. Yet I didn’t hear from him then. Yes, I did hear later, but it was not related. Same thing this year. If he had really been that “good friend” he claimed he could be even though he couldn’t (“couldn’t” – not “wanted”!) to be in a relationship, he would have had a perfect excuse to check up on me. He didn’t.

So the only viable scenario that I can envision (but that is very unlikely) is that we somehow run into each other again, the chemistry still being there and him being already free AND healed and ready for a relationship (from what I could see on his Twitter, nothing has changed in that respect for him – he is still mentally unavailable), and off we go from scratch. As if nothing had ever taken place before.

Highly unlikely, so I am glad I stopped having him on my mind and had no problems not looking up his Twitter for a month.

But, at the same time, I can’t help thinking what a good match it might be. And I do have awesome chemistry with him. But does that mean that he feels the same chemistry with me? My experience and research shows that yes, but even with the chemistry, didn’t I have chemistry with all my exes? I did. And how it all ended? Not so good…

Amd I don’t really know him in real life, so it might be a complete illusion on my part. In writing, we discussed literally everything, up to how one handles finances!

When the relationships started getting comfortable, the feelings would always sneak up, and most of the time it ended up being the start of the end of the current relationship. Like one relationship got really serious, we had a great relationship, amazing chemistry, but something just wasn’t there. I don’t know that I can explain it in words.

So with your wife, that feeling that something wasn’t there never appeared? You and your wife went past the times when your other relationships would end, and yours still continued on a high note, just as enjoyable, with no end in sight?

I don’t think ridicule would be the response, I think they would be concerned.

Very interesting (for me). I realized that I might still be afraid of others and of life at some deep level. I mean, I am not afraid to be different on the outward and in my thoughts, but I am cautious (yes, “cautious” would be the right word) about voicing something that is unexpected and unusual for others to hear.

Thank-you so much but I am far from a perfect specimen, I have flaws. I have not been the greatest husband or father at times, but I try. I do believe I understand what you are saying though so I will try

You are a great person for me to talk to because a) you are a real man; b) your truly love your wife and c) you are not afraid and are willing to register your feelings and process where they are coming from.

but I am also raising my wifes son from a different man

One more reason for me to communicate with you ‘cause it proves how serious your approach to love and relationships is.

And that is where the difference between my feelings towards my wife and kids lie. You see my wife is my partner in crime, I need her to be with me. I need her to allow me to be myself. I need her to be there to complete me, to support me, to help me grow.

Awesome lines! They tell me that my ideal of a relationship as being partners in crime, as you put it, is not unattainable AND that men (at least, some men) can have the same attitude. You see, I am looking for a partner, first of all. I am not looking for a father (well, they say that the husband must be more experienced and more intelligent than the wife for the couple to be stable, so yes, I AM looking for somebody who knows more than I do), I am not looking for a son (God forbid – could never stand immature men), I am looking for somebody on the same level as I am, an equal partner. I believe I am also looking for somebody who has achieved something in life, but not because I am ambitious (I don’t think I am). Partially, it is because I have achieved quite a lot without connections, just talent, hard work and good luck; but mainly it is because I can’t stand the idea of my man rising high only to discover that he can’t pass the test of fame or fortune, that he is ungrateful.

Good evening, Matt!

Just saw your reply on this thread (hope you will reply something just as insightful on the other ;)), but it is my bedtime already.

I don’t know if I have time to write an answer tomorrow evening (I have a fencing class), but I already have some thoughts worth jotting down.

I will for sure reply on Friday.

It has all been very helpful for me, but the process is still ongoing.

Funny, it seemed yesterday as if I had written everything I wanted, you replied – and I could immediately see what else needed to be said. Same thing today.

Take care and have a great night!

X