October 19, 2013 at 9:13 pm #44021Anum SiddiquiParticipant
I need someone to tell me how to move on.
I don’t get along with my mom and things seem to be getting worse everyday. I feel so frustrated and angry at her everytime I see her that I’m not even able to concentrate on my studies. I feel like I’m wasting my life being mad at her.
Our problems started when I was 5, or even younger. For some reason, she had to give me away when I was a few months old and so I lived with her aunt. I don’t remember everything but I remember being loved and taken care of when I used to live with that family. When she took me back, it felt like the world that I knew no longer existed. I felt like one would feel in a post-apocalyptic world. My mother used to scold me for every little thing. She made me go through so much stress that I am not able to explain. One mistake and she would beat the living soul out of me. I live in a conservative society and I remember once when i was 12 she found out that I had a male friend and she beat me so much that I was shaken. I was traumatised. My life was turned upside down. I remember her beating me for every little thing, not getting good grades, not keeping things in their right places, for not behaving around guests and so much more. When i was 13, my dad left us and moved to another country. It drove my mom mad and during the early days when we were all struggling with feelings of abandonment, I remember my mom being so frustrated and angry that at times she would pick up the desktop and throw it on my head. She moved on and now she’s seeing this guy who controls her life. I feel sooooooo angry at her for doing the same thing she traumatised me for doing. I’m not able to wrap my brain around it. How could she put me though so much pain and stress and push me into depression for JUST being friends with a guy when she intended to do the same thing at some point? Its making me angry just thinking about it. Not just that, few months back, I was mad at her for something and I said that I hope one of her guy friend dies. She couldn’t take it. She picked up every shoe in her sight and starting beating me till I could no longer talk.
I don’t want to be defined by these events. My problem is I don’t stop thinking about these and so many more such instances that it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m depressed all the time and sometimes I don’t even take notice of what’s happening around me. I’ve gained so much weight over the years and and I’m always tired even when I haven;t done anything. I have tried to be positive and I even succeeded at only thinking good thoughts but it only happens for a few days. Some thing happens, some trigger and it’s back to square one for me. I have good friends but I don’t feel like bothering me too often so I just keep my feelings to myself. I did everything, I started growing plants, I took up hobbies and they even keep me busy but at some point, I just loose it. I cry as loud as I can and I feel like I’m going back to my self-mutllation days. I don’t want that. i want to be happy and content. I want to live my life and enjoy every second of it but some memories hold me down. I feel like a bird who wants to fly so badly but unfortunately she has a huge metal ball hanging around her neck and all she does is look at the sky.
Someone please help me.
October 20, 2013 at 2:17 am #44029Leisa JParticipant
- This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Anum Siddiqui.
Hi Anum, it is sad for both you and your mum but you have the chance to move on, remember ultimately she was working the only way she knew how and was probably wishing for help everyday. Start to think of her as not your mum but someone who wanted to do right but didn’t have the tools to do it, and think of yourself as someone who does have the tools to change and every attempt you make shows that, you are on the right road, dont panic if you stray off the track on occasion.October 20, 2013 at 11:53 pm #44061joennaParticipant
hi Anum, my heart melts upon reading this. wish i could offer my shoulder for you…. there’s no way to change the past, but we have the power to plan for the future. start thinking positive and create an atmosphere of positivism….how? try to forgive and free yourself from the burden of the past… it’s you who will benefit the most if you will release all the hurts from your heart.October 21, 2013 at 10:51 am #44072NessyParticipant
The reason you might feel like you’re limiting yourself might be because you’re not allowing things to process thus putting pressure on yourself. Whillst going counselling, from my experience I learnt some advice that I think may be usefull to you. One was distinctifying between things I can and can’t control. For e.g. iin your situation you can’t control your mum’s feeling or her actions/ you can’t control your feelings but you can too a big extent control what you do with it. I’d say you accept how you feel (which is a process) then you try and deal with it, (another process) this could be through; counselling, listening to music, doing things you enjoy and can help you express your emotions and feel better but step by step. Regarding your mum, I think you should speak to a counsellor about how you can deal with her. You didn’t deserve what she did but as you noted, she has issues that she is taking out on you which isn’t fair but hopefully she can get help in time, that’s if she realises herself that she should so it’s not in your control to make her get help. I will keep you and her in my prayers. Is there wwy you could live with other relatives/ talk to them about how you feel. I def think you should talk to a counsellor about her, they’ll give you suitable advice as you can give them a clearer picture to your home state thus they can give you an appropriate advice. B.t,w don’t feel bad for feeling this way, happiness doesn’t come out of thin air, I know the generic term of happiness makes it seem like a certain way but happiness is an indivualistic thing, I think real happiness happens when we use rational/ healthy techniques to help us deal with bad situations which help change those bad/ self defeating thoughts to the point that they become a part of the way we think and through this other elements come which enrich our postive emotions, it’s like a cycle but it’s a process that happens with effort but not pressure. Positivity doesn’t mean being happy all the time actually, I think it’s just keeping an open mind and TRYING to not let your feelings consume you but not blocking them out at the same time, reacting rationally. I think you should read self-help books that may hinge on your situation 9abuse/depression) I think you should read articles about people who experienced similar issues to you and through the process of dealing with things properly came out feeling like better. It might make you feel better because you can relate and know a lot of people experience it and some things they learnt might help you in your experience. Don’t pressure yourself, you’ll come out of this feeling but in time. I hope things gradually improve/ the way you see it does. Don’t underestimate your strength. I was down at some point but after dealing with things like talking to people and counselling I feel much better and I didn’t think I’d push through but I did after I stopped doubting myself, accepted my issue and tried to deal with it in an efficient and healthy way. Wish you well, XX 😉