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Negativity Surrounds: Relationships, Finance, Career… Life

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • July 24, 2015 at 6:57 pm #80403
    Chris
    Participant

    I’m new to Tiny Buddha. Actually, I’m new to the whole concept. I’ve gone through some incredible struggles in my life and have really been through more negativity in the last few years. Life story: I’m a 52 year old guy. Business person. Knew that I wanted to be a pilot since I was 3 years old and pursued my dream until I was 23. 3 months from getting in the cockpit I had some health problems that ruined my dream. My claim to fame is that I know more dead people than anyone else I knew. Parents, brothers, friends, friends, friends and more really close friends. I wonder sometimes if I’m not hexed. Got into a line of work that I hate but nonetheless, I managed to build a life… until 4 years ago. I went through a divorce and lost almost everything. What I didn’t loose in the divorce I drank away. Now I’ve lost everything. The dating scene since my divorce has been abysmal. I just don’t want to be in the dating scene. I’ve decided to just live the duration of my life alone. I do have a wonderful little daughter who loves her daddy. I am her everything and she is mine but I do wish I had more. I wish I could have a life in addition to her. In my dating I’ve come across some terrible woman. As my ex says, “you’ve introduced your daughter to the stripper, the witch and the alcoholic” and she’s right. Terrible dating decisions. Terrible falling in love decisions. The alcoholic left my life abruptly and bitterly 3 months ago but somehow I just can’t seem to let her go. Crazy huh?

    The only solace I’ve found has been tinybudda.com. I do come here and find words of peace. Thank you all for that. Aside from this one website my life seems to be surrounded with misery. I consider the folks on this site to be of sound mind and better grounded then most. May I ask your suggestions to help this old guy find purpose and happiness in my life?

    Much appreciated…

    July 24, 2015 at 7:15 pm #80404
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chrisk:

    In 1984, I was 23 then, you were 21, I believe. I watched a movie that just came out then, The Never Ending Story (the original). Fantasia is that fantasy land, world with magnificent mountains and swamps and seas and mountains and creatures but the Nothing is destroying that land. A child is chosen as the warrior, the one to save Fantasia. He goes through a lot of (symbolic) challenges in his quest to save the magnificent land of Fantasia. He almost drowns in the deserts of despair, the swamps of sadness, almost runs away in terror from the Mirror where he has to see himself as he is… and at the end Fantasia is totally destroyed except for one grain of sand. Of all the land nothing is left but that one grain of sand. The warrior child cries in agony, now what? All I have gone through and I failed.I will stop my own retelling of it from memory.

    I never quite figured it out. This last grain of sand… If you watched that movie or will watch it, I would like to read what you think about this movie- any thoughts about it- and about that last grain of sand. What do you do when you lost everything-all of the land of Fantasia, and all you have left is one grain of sand…???

    anita

    July 24, 2015 at 10:27 pm #80412
    Chris
    Participant

    Anita… What wonderfully timely and applicable advice that was.

    I rented The Never Ending Story immediately after reading your post. Maybe it was just that “when the student is ready, the teacher will teach” but in any case my takeaways from that moving were profound. I think my life had to get to this point for me to be open to the lessons in that movie. I believe watching that movie would be great for anyone who thinks they’ve lost everything. Here are my takeaways from the first watching:

    I have to go alone. (I have to go through this; only I can go through this and I have to go through this alone.)

    You can’t heal if you don’t hurt.

    Fancy armor doesn’t help. (My facade of I’m not hurting; I’m still just running my business – isn’t going to help.)

    Confronted with themselves most men run away. (When I look at my lifestyle over that last 30 years and especially over the last 4 years it’s pretty painful to see the degree to which it didn’t work.)

    “Fantasia” is the fantasy of man. It is created by the hopes of man so it has no boundaries. It dead in the swamp of sadness.

    I have nothing more and nothing less than I’ve ever had. If all that I had was something than how is it all gone now? That applies to material things as well as relationships.

    In the end… or in the beginning… there is only one grain of sand and that one grain of sand will become anything I wish it to be. I simply have to name it and it will become whatever I wish it to be.

    Thank you again for your suggestion. I’ll watch this movie a couple more times over the next few days and probably have more to add.

    July 25, 2015 at 5:12 am #80418
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi chrisk,

    Another thing you can do is pick a “Mission in Life” that is beyond yourself. Find a church, temple or even meditation center. Most, if not all of them should have programs you can get involved with or volunteer projects. When you spend time helping others you WILL become happier! Also, you can’t help but meet new people. I feel like all the other stuff (romance, happiness, “a life”) will be added onto you if you do that.

    Why not try it?

    Blessings,

    Inky

    July 25, 2015 at 7:07 am #80419
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chrisk:

    I love it that you liked the movie, that you got more from it this time.

    You wrote: 1) “I have to go alone. (I have to go through this; only I can go through this and I have to go through this alone.)
    2) (I) can’t heal if (I) don’t hurt.
    3) Fancy armor doesn’t help. (My facade of I’m not hurting…
    4) Confronted with themselves most men run away. (When I look at my lifestyle…it’s pretty painful to see the degree to which it didn’t work.)
    5) “Fantasia” is the fantasy of man. It is created by the hopes of man so it has no boundaries…dead in the swamp of sadness.
    6) I have nothing more and nothing less than I’ve ever had. If all that I had was something than how is it all gone now? That applies to material things as well as relationships.
    7) In the end… or in the beginning… there is only one grain of sand and that one grain of sand will become anything I wish it to be. I simply have to name it and it will become whatever I wish it to be.”

    As I look at what you wrote, these things come to my mind: feelings like hurt are not just inconveniences that we should escape any which way. They carry valid messages, information not possible to access otherwise. I can’t heal if I don’t hurt means to me: I can’t heal if I try to push the hurt away from my awareness. The thing is the more I pushed the hurt away from my awareness the more it persisted (“What we resist persists”). But it is not only about expressing the hurt, it is about learning from it: what is the messasge?

    The fancy armor of not feeling is BS, easily dismantled. We do feel, don’t we? We feel throughout… all the way through the decades of wearing that armor.

    Confronted with themselves most men run away- there is the element of “to bear with unbearable sorrow” for me- to bear the pain of decades lost. The pain necessary so to move forward.

    I need to think more about my favorite part of your input. number six. Regarding five and seven, I am only in the beginning steps in that part of the journey, if I am on it (never know until i actually experience it)- the first steps in having hope and dreams. My old dreams were to make my (abusive) mother happy. That was my dream, so I can be free of guilt, free to live my life. That dream is finally gone (sand dunes I will not miss). What is taking the place of that one dream I held on to for so long… I do not know yet.

    If you have any more thoughts about the movie and my writing here- or otherwise you add to this thread- I will be reading it and responding.

    anita

    July 25, 2015 at 7:33 pm #80431
    Seq
    Participant

    Chrisk,

    I highly recommend you download the audio version of Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” (or get the book, if you absorb things better by reading). It was indispensable to me as I was going through a divorce 10 years ago, and it has equal resonance now that my subsequent relationship is going through some turbulence in the wake of my own severe midlife crisis. Try to listen to When Things Fall Apart as if Pema Chodron is talking directly to you–as if all of her wisdom applies directly to the challenges you are currently facing. Her lessons on “cool loneliness” are especially pertinent if you’re desperately grasping for a relationship that will stick. This has been the most powerful resource I have come across when my own life appears on the brink of disaster.

    Another bit of unsolicited advice–that you probably already know deep down–is that alcohol doesn’t help when you’re trying to sort out existential problems. I, too, am a heavy drinker, so I am not trying to be condescending in the least bit. But if you can lay off the sauce a bit, you can give yourself a chance at mental clarity. And that, in turn, can help guide you out of this crisis. Just something to consider.

    I wish you well through the difficult challenges you are facing.

    July 26, 2015 at 8:46 am #80499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chrisk:

    Regarding number 6 and seven (what you wrote is in quoted):
    6) “I have nothing more and nothing less than I’ve ever had. If all that I had was something than how is it all gone now? That applies to material things as well as relationships.”
    7) “In the end… or in the beginning… there is only one grain of sand and that one grain of sand will become anything I wish it to be. I simply have to name it and it will become whatever I wish it to be.”

    These are really the same: I, anita, at this moment, have nothing more and nothing less than I ever had. This one grain of sand stands for this thread of life in me, the fact that I am alive right now. This is the grain of sand. I have nothing else but this life, right now. There is no security in anything so there is no point in regretting the past- security was not there and there is no point in focusing on the future- security will not be there. Right this moment, as I am typing this, is the only time I have, and the security I am experiencing now, the roof above my head, my ability to sit comfortably and type this, is the only security I can ever have.

    If catastrophy happens next, I will be looking back at this moment as the good old safe times. This is it. This is why focusing on now is the most sensible, the real way to live, devoid of delusions.

    Thank you chrisk for watching the movie again and for sharing with me. I had a friend years ago watch it and she said she could only see fantasy in the movie. I even had my former therapist watch it but there was no feedback at all- you are the first and only person who gave me feedback on this movie, more than 31 years after watching it. This is a wow! for me.

    anita

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