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Never gotten to like the place I live

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • March 9, 2016 at 5:10 pm #98485
    orchid24
    Participant

    I grew up in the valley, a place of trees, flowers, two rivers and greenery. I loved living there.

    I graduated from college with a nice, shiny bachelor’s degree, got married to my soul mate (who already had an established career), and moved to where he lived in the desert. I didn’t like the desert then and fast forward 8 years later, I still don’t like it now.

    When I say I don’t like it, I mean I don’t like the physical setting and the culture. I have wonderful friends here, I have a lovely home in the nice part of town, I’m settling in to my calling in my career. Nevertheless, I want to move. I don’t like the brown, scrubby hills or the sagebrush or the dryness or the snow. I don’t like how the culture in this area is politically conservative. I don’t like how it’s a right to work state. I don’t like the lack of cultural diversity. It’s a place that has stayed close to its cowboy, progress-at-a-snails-pace roots. I don’t like that my husband’s career here is unpredictable, as in he seriously (and I do mean literally) can be laid off tomorrow with no warning.

    I cry when I come back from a vacation, a weekend, or a daytrip from somewhere green or anywhere with a vibrant culture. This place where I live is just not me. And as much as I’ve tried to at least get used to it, my heart is always reaching for someplace greener with more trees, vineyards, flowers. Somewhere with a different, richer culture.

    Moving would be easy, but there’s my husband. He’s afraid that moving somewhere else will put us at a financial disadvantage. His fears are equally rooted in reason and in the fact that maintaining the status quo just takes less effort, which is a big deal to him, as he is highly introverted and completely drained after a days worth of work.

    So my options are to leave him and move, whether he wants to or not. Or stay and try to figure out how to be happy in this parched landscape.

    I don’t want to leave him. I do very much love him and would miss him desperately. But trying to like it here is not something I know how to do. The longer I stay, the sadder I get.

    Any kind of suggestion would be helpful.

    March 9, 2016 at 5:20 pm #98486
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Orchid24:

    To better understand your situation, I am asking:

    Did you tell your husband how the desert makes you feel, how you don’t like it? Did you tell him at the beginning of the 8 years? Throughout the 8 years? When was the last time you told him… and how clearly? Did you express it to him as clearly as you did in this thread?

    And what were his responses?

    Were there follow up discussions about this? Let’s say, you trying to like it there somehow, making friends and seeing how that goes, and he asking you if you feel better about the place… ongoing discussion on this in these 8 years?

    anita

    March 9, 2016 at 7:30 pm #98500
    orchid24
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for your reply.

    Yes, I have told him a number of times that I don’t like it here, without trying to make it sound like I’m nagging. I have told him that I live here because of him. I did tell him at the beginning of the eight years, but we both chalked it up to me being homesick. I have mentioned it to him in subsequent years, as well. He knows I don’t like the place, as he has said to me, “I know you don’t like anything about this area.”

    He responds by being genuinely sad that I am unhappy. However, anytime I make suggestions that I look for another job in a different area or suggest a job posting for him that he would be qualified for, he gives me some logic-laden response why we should just stay put.

    March 9, 2016 at 7:47 pm #98503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear orchid24:

    I wonder how old you are and how old your husband is, if you have long term goals as far as career, children, place to live, and such? Did the desert location start as a temporary-to-be move? And does his job pay especially well, the practical reason he keeps doing it and keeps going at it?

    I also wonder if he is easily distressed and that is why he is drained at the end of every work day or if his job is indeed very stressful. I wonder if he is fearful and tends to postpone choices that need to be made for a later, and later.. and later time. I wonder if he fears changes, any changes? (I do wonder a lot)

    There are many possible ingredients to this situation and if you’d like to continue to communicate with me about it, please do.

    anita

    March 9, 2016 at 7:57 pm #98504
    orchid24
    Participant

    Yes, on all points!

    March 9, 2016 at 8:29 pm #98506
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear orchid24:

    Double posting, the two posts above. Please note the one before. Good night from The Evergreen State of Washington. I too like the green but I like the desert as well, the open spaces, the silence… the silence mostly, my number one priority in a place to live.
    anita

    March 13, 2016 at 8:29 pm #98905
    orchid24
    Participant

    We are both in our early 30s, no children, and we probably won’t have children, given to how unstable his career is. He once was laid off for 27 months, once out of town for what was supposed to be 4 to 6 weeks, but ended out of town for 4. Per hour his pay is very generous, but when you consider he often only works half he year (if we’re lucky), his yearly pay is pretty average.

    He is not generally fearful. Often, he is a rock to me. However, he is highly concerned that moving won’t make things better for us.

    March 13, 2016 at 8:55 pm #98914
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear orchid24:

    In my efforts to understand your situation, I have more questions. Please note you have the right to … not answer..:

    In your original post you wrote that your husband had an “established career” when you moved with him to the desert. You are talking about the same hourly paid, half year, could be laid off anytime present job that he has?

    You wrote in the last post that “he is not generally fearful”- is he specifically fearful? If so, of what?

    You wrote that he is a rock to you. How?

    anita

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