No focus or want/need to live

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    B murphy


    I’m stuggling very bad and I don’t know where to go.. When I typed those very words into google this site appeared and the topics listed resemble a lot of how I feel now and today.

    Three yeas ago I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt. Man did it suck to wake up in intensive care with a tube in my mouth and people staring at me… I was in the hospital for thirty days with various medical ailments not to forget the head issues. Medical issue trumped the head issues. I still suffer medical issues to today.. As well as medical issues. I’ve tried medications, talk therapy, and I’m still stuck and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to live.

    I still struggle everyday not wanting to live. I don’t know where to go what to do.. I told my family and they don’t know how to handle it… I’m ok with that.. I’m still so sorry to put them through the horrible events of my past…

    I’m losing everything, my house, my business, my girl, my health. I don’t want to live anymore. Today is a family members bday and it’s the only thing keeping from taking action with my plan.

    I’m sorry, I can’t type anymore. Peace to you all. May you find a end to your pain.

    Ane Krstevska

    Hey you! Stop it! There is hope for everyone in this life. You wrote here, on this blog, having hope. Why would you write if you didn’t have any? So you have. So stop saying those words and stop feeling that way.You can change your life by changing your original records, or better said your story You probably have the picture for you in your head, how does it look? Are you the hero who is triumphing proudly with raised head? Or you are just “poor little me”?

    First of all, tell me, what’s causing you not to want to live anymore?

    Second, please know that I’ve been on that road, so I KNOW the feeling.

    Third, sorry if there are any grammatical errors, I type fast, and I am not a native English speaker, but can help you through this.

    Now answer my first question – what’s causing this feeling?

    B murphy

    Hi, thanks,for,taking the time to respond. I think your grammar is just fine.

    I have a intense feeling of hopelessness… No feeling of fight… Lack the umph I once had.. I don’t experience any joy in things that I was have. I’ve been fighting depression for many many years. Why should I? Why should I live? There’s nothing here? I’m losing/lost everything. I don’t want to start over again. The thought of starting over again leaves me in a paralyzed state. I can’t even get out of the chair.

    I’m not trying to be the poor little me… It’s not just that.. The feeling of hurt are so intense, nothing like I ever felt before I’m terrified I’m lost… I’m have no will to move forward. I can’t get up in the morning even though I wake at 4am… I can’t even do the small tasks in life. And I have monumental tasks ahead of me that leave me paralyzed. It’s horrible. Sucks!

    I’ve had enough.

    Ane Krstevska

    Ok, you described the feeling. It’s exacly what I had. Exactly the same. I wasn’t taking showers for days. I disconnected from the whole world and wanted to just close my eyes and finish my story on this planet. But what is the event that happened that made you feel this way? There has to be something. Was it a trauma? What is it? Why do you feel this way?

    B murphy

    My initial thought is the financial stresses I’ve been going through for some time… When I lost my dream job since the company was sold, I think that was the beginning of the downfall. Not forget the childhood traumas experienced with family issues. I think lately it’s the financial issues, failing at the suicide attempt has really set me back. Losing my house, my girl of 20 years, years of partying (have been sober for three years)….

    I’m trying to focus on getting out of the horrible rut. I don’t know who tot ask for help. Those I thought I could goto were not up to the task. I can’t and won’t hold it against them, they just don’t know what to do either. I still love them more than words can tell.

    I think if my financial difficulties went away would I be happy. I’m not sure that is the resolution. Is it medication, not to sure of that either as I’ve tried meds in the past. Helped for a whole then they didn’t.

    I’m currently filing for bankruptcy to eliminate the mountain of debt I’ve accrued. Fresh start financially, have to sell the house before that can happen, and selling is not going so well. I can see the bright spots. Well, maybe bright spots, but I still am “who cares”. I don’t want to do it anymore. I feel as though there’s too much wrong with me to get back on track… I’m lazy, I’d don’t want to do it. I’ve got no drive. I’m so tired.

    Ane Krstevska

    It’s the meds, believe me. The anti-depressives have this, how can I say – stupid formula to make you be tired all the time and not up to anything. Again, this comes from my experience. I felt the same and then when I talked to my psychiatrist and another friend of mine who I must say helped me a lot by just talking to me like I am talking to you – facts from experience (he also had a very difficult time in his life with depression) they all told me that it is the meds. So once you know that this feeling is coming from the meds, create a picture in your head that this is the meds – not my real feelings. It’s the mindset again. I know it’s challenging, and I know it sounds like a cliche probably, but trust me this works:

    When you wake up in the morning, take a shower, have your breakfast and along with your coffee/tea, sit down, take a piece of paper and write down all these tasks you need to do to get back to normal (e.g. sell the house). If it’s difficult to see it, ask yourself and start thinking why it ‘s hard (price too high maybe?) By brainstorming, your brain focuses on other things rather than feeling down and wanting to kill yourself.

    Not everything is easy, and most of the things will take some time. But eventually, everything will get back to normal. It just takes time.

    I was fired without reason from the job I loved after ten years of hard, dedicated and loyal work. I am still under therapy and still figuring out my life moving forward. One thing I started to do a month ago is starting a blog on self-improvement and productivity. Real life lessons. I found piece in what I start doing, and it gives me freedom to express. By doing that, I focused my brain on other things, better things. It’s all a mindset. You know how they say thoughts become a reality? Well, they are right…when the brain is obsessed with negativity and negative thoughts, it is when shit happen. But if you can push yourself, kinda like an exercise to have positive thoughts in your head – imagine. Just visualize yourself a year from now in the life situation that you want to be…


    Dear murph139:

    My view on life and death: I am here in between the eternity of time before I was born and the eternity of time after I die. In between these two, here I am. And so is every single human being alive- in between. The richest, wealthiest, most famous people, when they go to bed, and the light is off, they know that they will die, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it; no amount of money, power and fame will change it.

    I think that what you want is for the pain to end. Your organism, that thing of nature that you are, wants to live. Everything alive wants to keep living and sure tries its hardest, just like you.

    How to stop the pain? Relax into the fact that the pain will stop in death, but later. It will come to you as we all have it coming, you and me and every single person reading this. Your pain will end. And in the meantime, in between now and then, get curious about your life, ask: what is my life about?

    End the relationships with the people who harmed you in your childhood and never thoroughly repented and made real amends to you; assert yourself with others, make changes.

    Hope to read more from you.


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