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Al.
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May 25, 2014 at 10:24 am #57289
SpillyParticipantWhen I turned 30 two years ago, I had a tough night.
Not that it was that SPECIFIC day that it all hit me – you know…the “I’m 30 and I haven’t done blahblahblah; I’m 30 and I don’t have blahblahblah”…no, that had already been “I’m 25…” or “I’m 28…”
But when it came out of my mouth, “I’m 30…” it was heavier. It was more real that time had passed.
I have the usual regrets of people that end up on forums like this.
Never finished college.
Never found love.
Never conquered my personal crap.
Never had a career.
Etc.
I also have to add that I never became a role model or at least a reference point for what a MAN is supposed to be…I have 5 young male cousins who are more like little brothers. One of my most crippling realizations is that I’ve failed them as a male role-model.
In realizing that, I identify WHY I’ve failed them; WHY they CANNOT look at me as an example of how to be a successful man.
All those reasons… I’ve learned the difference between putting myself down and identifying truths about myself.
The same things I used to put myself down about are actually very evident truths.
To put it in a nutshell – I’ve never moved forward in life as an adult.
I still play video games. Nothing wrong with this at all. But when the most skill you have in your life is building forts in Minecraft, …and you’re THIRTY YEARS OLD…there IS something wrong with that. The only accomplishments the kids see is that I built a rectangle room…and THAT’S not even an accomplishment in the gaming world…rectangles suck.
I am not very book smart. Sure, plenty of successful people aren’t. But…it bothers me that I cannot help with the kids’ homework, can’t partake in intellectual conversations, etc. And it stands as a tall monument of my failure at furthering my education beyond highschool. The kids see nobody around them that graduated from college. It was supposed to be ME!
I have…never had a girlfriend. That sucks to write. I don’t admit this. Ever. I’ve lied about “back when I was doing my thing” to guys…trying to make it seem like I was a go-getter with the ladies ‘back then’ but now I’ve mellowed out and am just trying to “find myself so I can be ready for my wife”. Yup, i’ve used those exact words. The kids see nothing but a 30-something guy living with his mother and aunt (yup i’ll get to that), with no woman ever by his side.
I have never had a career. I have a job, yes. Thankful? Yes. Fulfilled? Hahahahaha. I do something for 40 hours a week that I absolutely couldn’t give a flying flagnargian flute beast about. I hate going to work. Not because of the people, I actually like my coworkers. But the job that I have to do gets lost in a universe of others working in the same database that I do…screwing things up, being lazy, undoing the work I’ve done. But that is the nature of what I do. And I hate it. And its just a JOB…not a CAREER. The kids see a guy who gets up way early to go a boring purposeless job, and has to go to bed so early every night that he’s no fun anymore…
I have never lost this weight. Been fat all my life. Even as a kid. Same fat kid they saw when they were younger, they see the same fat guy now. I’ve tried. But my laziness, procrastination, and professional excuse-making skills derail me every time. I can’t go play bball with them. I can’t go running with them. My appearance makes me pass on trying to hang out with them sometimes, because I feel like I’d be an embarrassment.
Oy.
So all these things…and that’s not all of them.
When I look deep down…to see all the things that are to be identified as ‘root causes’…all I see is ME.
What I mean is that I don’t ever see how I can get past MYSELF.
When I am slumped across my bed, and say to myself “NO! Get UP! DO SOMETHING! MOVE FORWARD!!!”….ME doesn’t move. ME is achy, tired, mentally drained, physically tired. ME is afraid to go out…there, in the world. ME is afraid of…people.
That brings up my social stuff. I like to be alone yet I yearn for some meaningful interaction…but only with certain people. Why? I’m the kind of person that if the family goes out, I want specific people to go or I kinda don’t wanna go. WHat is that? That’s not right. But its me.
And with people non-family, well I don’t have any friends. I have a few co-workers I enjoy…but…I never want to go hang out with them. Its not that I don’t like them. I’m just afraid. To be ‘out there’ with them where there’s no work-related things to find common ground on. And that’s silly because common ground is the reason we get along and that they prob DO consider ME a friend. So yeah. I don’t have friends that I go out with and enjoy life and do things with because…of ME.
ME finds excuses not to do everything.
Go downtown and find something to do! ME: I-I don’t know where to park/find places/pay/sit/stand/BE.
Go join a class somewhere! ME: I-I don’t wanna feel stupid/embarrassed/angry when I’m bad at it.
Go to the gym! ME: I-I don’t want that pain in my leg/back/stomach/etc…I don’t wanna be sore…I don’t have a water bottle…I am tired
Go for a walk! ME: I-I might get stung by a bee…I am tired…I feel its too hot/coldBah.
This is turning into a rant.
I just wanted to put it out there that:
I.
Am.
Lost.
I’ve never moved forward in life.
I’ve never EXPERIENCED LIVING!
And I don’t know how to.
I don’t have a wife to support me emotionally.
Me and God are…well I don’t know.
My family…we are close but I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff.
I see everything that’s wrong…KNOW the ways to fix them…but I just…WON’T.
Not even looking for replies…prob won’t come back here.
I just wanted to get this out.May 25, 2014 at 1:45 pm #57293
KarenParticipantHey Spilly booms,
Firstly, awesome job on getting out what sounds like a problem that’s been floating around your mind for a few years. It’s a well known fact that guys are not great at communicating if there’s a problem. So well done for finding the balls to write this in the first place.
I find it interesting that you have looked for “Root causes” as I think this is where your problem stems from. Ever heard of Chakras? It sounds like you have a blockage in your first chakra (Muladhara) which in effect is the root chakra. When this is working correctly, it confirms your existence and your very right to be here. In the same way that a flower cannot stand up right and blossom without having roots, the same principle exists in us. If there is a blockage we have a fear of everything, do not stand up to what we believe in, may not be able to show love, cannot vocalise properly our thoughts and cannot see things clearly. The physical signs of a blocked root chakra is overeating, hoarding or material fixation, greed, sluggish, lazy, tired. There may be a fear of change or an addiction to security. Any of this sound familiar?
There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re lost, the fun part is the journeys you take to find your home (you). Your body is trying to tell you to reconnect with it, so give it the love it deserves rather than bullying yourself that you’ve never experienced living.
Firstly, look back at the earliest childhood memory with your mum. Did you have a good relationship with her? Were you left with someone else for long periods of time because your mum had to work? There may be the need to re build a connection with your family.
Try different physical activities – weights, yoga, running or dance (yep, there’s nothing wrong with a guy dancing, in fact us girls love a man that can dance). If you find yourself making excuses not to go to a class to try these new activities, explore them on the internet first. There’s lots of videos that teach yoga or dance until you feel confident to take a class. Once you’ve done some exercise, how about booking in for a massage. When you’re doing a fitness class or a massage remind yourself that you’re doing this for you. This will support your roots and start the building of the man and role model you know you can be.You’ve got a huge amount to gain and not a lot to lose from trying!
Two books that might be of interest – Eastern body Western Mind by Anodea Judith (This explains in great detail the Chakras) and Feel the fear and do it anyway Susan Jeffers.
With love
Karen xMay 26, 2014 at 3:01 am #57343
spititoutParticipant@Spilly Booms: Yeah, I got it. But I’m in female form. I have a job, not a good one and absolutely no passion in it. I never had a boyfriend and my friend wonder how come I have no love-life. I feel nothing towards everything. I think these happened because I have no motivation in life. Why bother doing anything that it wont change anything?
I’m walking zombie.May 26, 2014 at 6:04 pm #57430
AlParticipantSpilly Booms,
I am sorry for your suffering and truly hope that you will return to read the replies you were given.
My friend, in one of your last sentences you state you ‘see everything that’s wrong…KNOW the ways to fix them…but just…WON’T.’ In this case, I have only one thing to ask you: will you be happy at the end of your life to not have taken action in creating a life of fulfillment?
I’m sorry that this is all I have to offer. I dare not share words that are not asked of. May you find the peace and happiness you seek.
Al
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