Dear ellisullivan:

From reading your post, I don’t think your ex boyfriend moved on at all, not only did he not move on fast, but he didn’t move on at all.

He is in recovery for some addiction, I understand, attempted healing for significant emotional injuries of his childhood and past. He had a period of healing and thought: that was it! I am good now! And so he invited you to move in. He thought he moved on, on from his emotional injuries, and he acted that way, being positive and loving.

What often happens is that such healing does not survive the test of time. With certain life challenges, that beginning- healing disintegrates and there is a regression. Maybe at first he tried to continue to appear positive and loving, but it didn’t feel that way to him anymore. He was troubled and getting more troubled. This is my understanding.

When he broke up with you via a text message, that was not at all because of disrespect of you. It was because it was too difficult for him to break up with you otherwise. When he broke up with the other woman over the phone- it did not mean he had more respect for her, it means it was easier for him to break up with her than it was with you.

The “light at the end of the tunnel” you mentioned in your last line, if you saw that light, what would that light feel like and be about?

anita

Dear ellisullivan:

You are welcome. Clearly, you are emotionally attached to him and suffering the consequences of not living with the object of your attachment, this man. You had good, loving times with him and you wish those could have continued. Part of you still hopes and wants to be there for him when he changes his mind.

I am familiar with those feelings of betrayal, knowing he is with another woman – or was- in the same place that you were with him, believing it to be so special and magical, a thing of just you-and-him.

His past injuries made it impossible for that magic to continue. I agree: that magic is dispelled by images of him being with another woman. So, do let the magic go and let reality in.

To not obsess about him, you can share next- if you’d like- about your life before you met him, share about the most meaningful parts of your life before him, childhood perhaps?

anita

Dear ellisullivan:

You want love and trust; friends and family are the meaningful parts of your life.

When you value these things, you are willing and able to communicate on a deeper level with the person you are with; you want a deeper connection.

But for some/ many people, a deeper connection means pain, and they don’t want to feel that pain. Maybe your ex was focused on lust because it is a connection that doesn’t involve pain.

You wrote that you ask yourself “questions like, what does she have that I don’t?”

Here is a possible answer: she did not (when they were together) attempt a deeper connection, so it didn’t require of him to experience the pain, the past hurts and fears that come to the surface when we connect deeper with another. And so it was not at all something she has (or had) that you did not.

You wrote: “If he always called me the ray of sunshine is his life, is that now her?”-

this would be my understanding, my best (and possible) answer: you were his ray of sunshine. You have what he needs- true, deep life. That must have felt wonderful, like a ray of sunshine in darkness. When he is with another woman who does not love him truly, who is not able or willing to do so, it is not sunshine.

With the sunshine you brought into his life he felt a warmth that was intoxicating, but there was also the old hurts and fears of childhood coming to the surface. With other women, there is no such warmth but his hurts and fears can stay underneath.

anita

Dear ellisullivan:

Got to respect his assertion- when he blocked you, clearly he wants no contact. Often, most often, people choose what is easier in the short term, what is not painful in the short term. It could have helped him a lot if he stayed in the relationship with you, a whole lot. But he chose not to. Got to respect his choice.

If you were able, if it was possible for you to force him into the relationship with you, that would make any and all healing impossible for him. So he made his choice- that is his right.

Now, you make your own choices. It is your right and privilege. Post anytime.

anita

You are welcome, ellisullivan. Do move on and post anytime.
anita