Hi Anita,

I feel like it is going to take such a long time before that happens…i had to take a couple of days off work i was crying so much. Ive never had this kind of reaction before but it also hasnt meant so much. By this age i wanted to be together with someone…not cruising for the next partner! it seems to me that i just cant have that…i mean that people in general now want constant change and stimulus. I think he did and i had just come to my end in his eyes. It is unbearable for me. It definitely looks like i wont have children in any case..im too old now.

How can i keep waking up in exactly the same pain and anxiety, i have fought my feelings for me telling myself that if someone can hurt me like this they cant be good for me, but then i find myself stirring some tiny hope that it will all fall through and he’ll realise he was wrong. If i could just destroy the hope i wouldnt go there. He is not the kind to call….he probably wont.

Im still desperate, still upset…its going to be a while.. what do i do if i see them? he wants me to be happy for him, support him in his new relationship, she probably feels sympathy for me..after all, shes got him. She told him she had been badly hurt before and didnt want him to mess her around (like he already did by going on holiday without her) he talked about her like he had to protect her and look after her. He told her i had social anxiety and this was a problem, she has taken him out a few times and they have fun together. I feel like such a failure.

Hi Anita,

Relationships seem to be a popularity contest, not a comfort zone, not a loving place anymore for me. Twice now i have had a relationship fail because the guy wants me to be more and more of what he expects of me and not myself. I have to be more organised for him, more outgoing, more in touch with his family etc…basically to fit the role of a mother.

I have a problem with social anxiety, i often feel drained if i am uncomfortable and can analyse events afterwards often with some slight that someone has made towards me…this happened a lot with my ex. But now, i believe myself instead of doubting what my experience was. The people i met with him were flaky, fake and often flirted with him or were jealous and ignored me…it wasnt my imagination. It wasnt fun but he wanted me to come out more and i pulled back. He had a few nice friends but it became a struggle for me to go out when i felt anxious about it and i wanted more and more to stay in…he got tired of that and felt cut off from life…i felt i failed him in that respect, i lost him with that and the few times when we had a great time together. This also happened in my previous relationship. I guess the problems happen when they refused to do things i want to do but instead demand more of me.

As far as the women with children is concerned…to a certain extent i feel that where i live it is a big deal. Making friends is difficult without children, i am seen as a threat to stability or as a childish person of no purpose. Having children gives women a position of some responsibility and respect and i guess power too. It seems to me that men really actually want…a mother, and she is one already.

I think that women are conditioned in the world anyway to believe a woman who has married has “made it”. The guy picked her and made it to the altar, its a respect thing that we are conditioned to expect when in reality men fall short of the image all the time. It starts very early with cartoons and disney princess characters. Whether we like it or not, the dream that someone will take care of you or be your soulmate i think is just there in the back of your head. But i have never dreamed of marriage, in fact i have an aversion to wedding dresses and the whole pressure of it, we both werent into it really. I just wanted the commitment which of course was promised in the beginning. I saw some old emails, he was saying he was my husband, i was his wife, he told people we would get married but it never happened…he seems to be unable to do it and made excuses. I guess i was had.

What i cant bear, is that she will be what he wants when i was not…that he will make a commitment to her and that this will show me that i am not worthy of that. It will also tell me that i am no good socially..because she will have met his needs there too.

I think they were worthy of commitment but that he obviously has a problem with that. While his last relationship was 7 years long so was mine…we had both said that in the end we didnt love those people and that was the problem. In the beginning i couldnt have known that he just was saying words but not serious. He said we would get married and have kids…it was just stuff he said to make himself feel good and me i guess. There was no intent behind it. I dont doubt that he loved me then but he seems to struggle with what he aught to feel about women.

It could be that he doesnt feel as strongly about this woman but that he just wants peace and looking after by a mother. I was at his house and he wanted me to help with his laundry..i told him to get his new girlfriend to do it as he always complained to me about things like that (even though i did it). He told me it was ok because she was a mum she would be used to doing all those things…i dont think she knows what she is getting herself into. but maybe she is ok with that too, and doesnt need marriage….its just i dont know any woman who DOESNT want commitment. We all want to feel like we are goddesses that no one could leave.

I think i was worthy of commitment, i am. Its just bad luck stories always for me, one reason and then another of why things dont work out. With my last boyfriend it was that i fell out of love with him and his lack of ambition, drive or interest..it just fizzed out slowly and awfully. I took those 5 years to get over what was not meant to be anyway. This time i really loved the person.

After a holiday he had come back to me with a ring and i remember at the time i was so excited thinking he would propose (he had called me his wife after all, said he was my husband in emails) but it wasnt an engagement. We argued a lot about it, he said it was a “promise” ring, he felt i was ungrateful. That ring became a symbol of my disappointment, i wore it, then i didnt..i gave it back to him in an argument in the car and he threw it out the window. Later he would tell me that he expected me to propose to him, he asked me to give him a surfboard as a commitment (i know that sounds ridiculous) and i couldnt afford one. I felt like he was toying with me, putting obstacles in the way. But he would use that argument against me and say i could have if i really wanted to. By then i was already so tied to him it didnt matter, i wanted to be with him.

Hi Anita,  I know it doesnt seem reasonable or rational..but i know im no saint either. I have been obsessive, when i want answers i find it impossible to stop trying, a mystery is irresistable to me and he was always that way, never quite communicating what he thought. I guess it was deluded but i was in love.

I keep hanging onto each day, just trying to find something pretty in it. When i commit to something or become loyal, it seems its almost unshakeable….which means i gets taken advantage of by others who dont see what the big deal is..I guess they would say lighten up but when in that mindset i just dont see, i get really hurt.

What all this really means to me..is that the marriage, the kids doesnt mean as much to me really as the commitment in return, real passion..and here was a man who just cant be that person, no matter how it seemed. It hurts a lot, he may have lost me my chance to have a family but i feel like i am slowly letting it go..i have to for my sanity. Despite the deep bonds, i dont jump straight into the next person’s bed..i guess realising it might be years was just too sad.

Thank you for helping me through this..despite having friends to support me and family, i just was looking for these “answers” everywhere and you have really helped me.

Hi Anita,  its been a while since i was describing a terrible week in which my ex told me he had met someone, was confused and wanted both of us, but missed me and then finally decided on her…because she is new and im old. then told me he loved her. It hurts so much to think about. Life is very cruel sometimes, someone who was always mine suddenly treating me so coldly. Men in a candy shop, women in emotional hell.

I havent been much better since that time, the feeling of needing to run away is getting less but i still get physical pain and have to walk a lot to get rid of it. I have been staying with my parents because i was such a mess i couldnt be alone. It makes me feel like such a failure that i cant stand on my own. I was looking for the longest time for a dog to be a companion but cant find one that fits with me…i joined an online dating site but feel so unsure of my decisions, i dont really like any of them anyway and there are so few people in my area anyway, i just dont trust it, i feel like they are out to use me. A friend said i should call my ex if i still feel so strong about him but i cant do that either…I just keep wishing he will regret his decision but everything about the way he is suggests he will never contact me again. im waiting for a miracle. for him to come running back.

Work has not been so good either, i just dont know who or what i am supposed to be anymore. I dont have money to do anything, to plan a break to get my mind off it. My mom suggested i need to move to the city, i just felt dispair….i have moved a few times in my life, different countries, different lives..its very hard, very lonely and i dont know if i can do it again alone.

today i just felt such pain thinking of how much i wanted to be with my ex…it seems impossible to switch that off. the rule of “pick a time to think about it” just doesnt apply. I was trying to stop myself from crying at work towards the end of the day.. i reckon i am starting to develop fear of the weekend too…empty days to fill alone.

When i was alone before i met him, i lived alone but with my parents nearby and work…i know i went a little mad with so much time on my hands. I feel like something has to break, either me or the cycle of loneliness im in.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your wise words…i needed to talk it out. And i hope you feel better too. The patience is the hardest thing, others have told me too but they have also said its going to be very hard for me living where i do.

i have just had this feeling of panic and a knot in my stomach that turns to pain, in know its just heartache but i feel worn down by it sometimes. So i was walking a lot, just really trying to get away from everything. i have lost a lot of weight because of it with or without the walking. All the anxiety.

I havent contacted my ex but can’t shake the feeling that we should be together. its stupid but there it is. I do have things i do during the day where i dont think about him but as soon as everything is done i am back going over everything, while i am walking it runs around my head. And it feels like an engine revving constantly inside, i must get something done, i must move forward.

I guess when i feel worst, it is acute and i need help…when i am calmer i can look at it with more patience, think about bending and not breaking, sit with my loneliness instead of howl about it. I am not a cryer really, just in those first days but i dont usually. But patience is a difficult thing for me now..at this point in my life where i feel others were already taken care of, im still waiting for some high point but instead just struggle on.

I used to have a friend who contacted me when she had achieved things: career, promotion, bought a house, marriage, baby all in that order..she listed her success and then asked me how i was doing, it was always pointlessly competitive because i never got any of those things but i felt she was making herself feel better by seeing i wasn’t getting anywhere. Eventually i had to cut her out of my life because i realised she always made me feel bad after seeing her and she had been an old friend so it was a hard choice to make. This was years ago now, she got all those things within about 5 years..i am still trying. It makes me feel bad, we are all judged by achievements.

I know that no matter how i twist and turn in it, my ex doesnt love me the way i loved him. As much as i wanted him to, he couldnt commit either. While he gave me a lot in return; encouraged me, supported me, loved me..i have to accept that he also had the capacity to be cruel and unfair. I am also a very sensitive person so it could hit hard. Then when the smoke cleared i would see he was reacting childishly or selfishly. I dont understand his problems, why he cant open up more, why he doesnt trust but i guess i never will.

I compare this with the guy i lived with for 7 years, who i sort of fell into a relationship with because i was alone and then found myself stifled and bored, it was the opposite. No passion, no excitement whatsoever, no moving forward and insecurity so that i felt i had to stand in front of him. His parents were controlling and he always gave in to their demands. I spent too long with him, i got very depressed. Literally the only thing he could give me was the commitment.

I am so used to being alone really..not by choice.