I’ve always wanted to be in a romantic relationship. I’m only twenty but I’m ashamed to have never even asked out a girl in my life. There’s no reason for it other than my social skills were stunted growing up and I guess I’m a late bloomer. These past few months have me wrapped up in a frustrating and confusing infatuation with a girl in my class, one of the friends I was able to make after I “broke out” and started taking chances on people. We became friends by studying together under no romantic intentions but I started to develop feelings for her that I tried to fight back to no avail. I decided that since our friendship was very young at the time and we were spending considerable amount of time with each other (this was a first for me in my life, actually having some sort of common ground with my crush) that I was going to ask her out to dinner. The semester ended and I never got the chance and I doubt I would have taken it because I was scared of a rejection that could potentially cause me to lose my friendship with her, something I couldn’t afford with the few friends I have. Over this summer, we’ve kept in touch and even got together for lunch through my efforts, and we’ll definitely see each other again at school in a few weeks because we’ll taking the same classes since we’re in the same major at our college. However, there doesn’t seem to be much of an effort from her to get closer to me. I never dropped any hints or flirted with her because I didn’t believe in myself and she’s not done anything either. I’ve accepted that she’s just not into me and that any chance of a romantic relationship is extremely unlikely at this point. People tell me that I’ll never know unless I ask her but I have to go with my gut and my knowledge of her outgoing personality which all points to the fact that she’s just fine with the relationship we have now. It sucks but sometimes that’s not worth taking the risk on because I just know in my gut that she doesn’t feel the same way.

It’s been a painful process and I’m trying continue our friendship and put these feelings behind me. However, small things like hearing her voice on her Snapchat or her thanking me for wishing her a happy birthday makes me relapse and start to hope that maybe, just maybe, she’ll come around and I’ll feel confident telling her how I feel without risking anything. But I’m not stupid and I know that friends rarely turn into lovers and most attempts at changing the relationship don’t work out and ruin what was already there. Sometimes I feel like I’m being selfish, dishonest, and betraying her trust by having these feelings for her under the pretense of a friendship. Every effort I have made to get closer to her feels like it had some ulterior motive even though our friendship was growing without romantic intentions. I walked my way into the friendzone and I’m ashamed for misleading her. Now, she’s become important to me as a person and she’s someone that makes me smile when I see her. But I can’t seem to separate those feelings now that I’ve decided to not pursue a romantic relationship with her. I’m still emotionally attracted to her and I feel that I’ll slip back into hoping she’ll feel something for me too. I’m left wondering whether or not it’s possible to have a real, honest friendship with someone you have feelings for, even though you know that nothing will ever happen.

I’ve made so much progress in my life this year. I’ve made several friends for the first time in my life. I’ve taken risks, improved my grades, focused on my health by lifting weights, and I’m working on my professional life by strengthening my resume and actually getting job interviews for internship positions. But my social skills are still a work in progress and I’ve always been a very sensitive person. Everything I feel is cranked to the max, whether it’s good or bad, and that can be hard to live with sometimes. I should be enjoying myself and my youth because I have reason to but my situation with the very strong feelings I have for my friend has become the center of my life and I know it shouldn’t be that way.

Sorry for the long post, I can get carried away. And thanks for sticking around and getting through it.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Matt.