Dear Ella:

Your situation is complicated, just like you said, “it’s so complicated”.

When we are overwhelmed by the complication of a situation, our tendency is close our eyes to  the complications, to the unanswered questions and hope for the best. just like you wrote: “I would just like someone to tell me that everything is going  to fall into place”. You want a someone reading your short post,  based on that short post, to tell you that everything will be okay, this  is what I refer to as you wanting to close your eyes to the  complication.

It is crucial that  because of the  complications of the situation that you keep your eyes open, even more open than before while being calm. If you keep your eyes open but you are  anxious, you can’t think well and all that anxious thinking gets you nowhere. So the key is Calm, with  Eyes Open.

If you want to open my eyes to your situation, and maybe open yours further to your own situation, you can answer my following questions, if you would like:

You met him recently,  how recently?

You wrote: “They still fight over the house, kids are caught in the middle, it all affects their relationship with him”-

Is their divorce final, and if it is, how long ago has  it been granted and why is it that the property/house issue is not yet resolved (or is it)?

About how old are  his kids?

What did he tell you about his wife?

Does he have a part in the kids being caught in the middle and what  did he  tell you in regard to his kids’ relationships with him?

anita

Dear Ella:

A little summary of what you shared: you are in your mid 30s, divorced, no children, moved from Europe to the US sometime last summer. Shortly after, six months ago, you met a 50 year old divorced man, father of two children.

Before you met  him, you had one stable thing in your life,  your career: “I was always very focused on my career and I’m successful at work… my life is my career… I only have my job”.

Your contract which allows you to legally stay in the US will expire in two years, so that clock is  ticking. You are 35 or so, you want to get pregnant and have a child, and  that clock is ticking.

Now let’s look at the man: his life is distressing, to him and to you, bumpy and doesn’t seem to resolve any time  soon. Basically you moved to a relationship war zone, there  is war between him and his ex wife and his children are  in the middle  of that war zone.

My input: I assume this man is an honest man who sincerely loves you, but he is  not  likely  to be a good father to the child you are thinking  of having  with him.  He is struggling with his existing two minor children, his son suffers from severe anxiety, his affairs with the ex are not  settled. He is not likely to be available  to be an attentive, calm father  to your child, whether it  is his biological child (the  vasectomy being reversed) or not. As loving and honest as he is with you, he clearly made some  poor choices when picking his first wife, and proceeding to have children with her.

You wrote about him: “his life is such a rollercoaster that it’s overwhelming at times”- it  is not a responsible choice to  bring a  child to a rollercoaster kind  of  life, to be parented by two overwhelmed parents.

I hope you make a better choice as to the husband you choose and who you choose to parent your child.

In that war zone you are “trying  to help him make the relationship with her  better because I think this would  benefit us all”- it would  benefit you all, but I don’t think it is in your power to change his relationship with her for the  better. Her depression, the dysfunction far precedes you and   is not in your power to significantly alter.

“Sometimes I just feel like I’m  so lost in trying to help him that I may do things that are not the best  for ME. Our  lives evolve around his  kids and their issues”- I agree, I don’t  think this relationship is what is  best for you, unfortunately (because you love each  other). Your life, reads to me, is likely to devolve (not “evolve”, the word you used) as  you get lost in his/their war.

I think you should focus on your job,  your career, the one constant in your life that has served you well. And as difficult as it is, it is better that you remove yourself from this relationship and use the  next year to locate, through responsible online dating, perhaps, a potential partner, a man whose life is not a war zone and who will be a good parent  candidate for the child you want to have.

There will be pain and hurt involved in such a move, ending this relationship, but on the long run, I believe, it  will serve you well. If you stay with  him, you will not benefit him (you will make him feel better at times, but his misery will continue nonetheless, because his problems are  not  going  anywhere) and  you will harm yourself, then you will be bringing a new life to suffer.

Not a good plan.What  do you think?

anita

Dear Ella:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

Your plan, to wait for February, to see if the house issue is resolved at that point, there is  a problem with your plan  that I want to  bring to your attention: there is likely to  be some progress in Feb, or at  least a hope  for  progress, and then a next court date. The more you wait and invest, invest and wait, the more  motivated you are  likely to  be to continue to wait and invest, invest and wait.

Next, you are running  out of the two year timeline, get desperate and .. marry the  wrong  husband for you.

Notice this as well: just  because you had a bad  marriage/ relationships  before, making this relationship shine  in comparison, is not an indication that there isn’t something way better for you out there.

Post anytime.

anita