March 26, 2015 at 9:07 am #74490
I’m not okay….
All these years I tried to prove to everyone, but mostly myself that I was happy. I’m not. It’s like all those years I was depressed and I just did my best to hide it. At least, now I acknowledged it. I’m 18 and a girl. I have good grades, but the way our school system grades us in Montreal is by comparing you to the class average. And that difference between the group and you is your final grades. The higher you get, the better it is. They placed me in very strong group, so even though I’m a very good student, I get shitty final grades because I can’t catch up with my group average. I have no more motivation with school, I don’t even care anymore. I hate my program and my classmates because they seem to have it easier. I know it’s stupid but that’s how I feel.
My friends are living their lives. They go out with their boyfriend/girlfriend and others friends who aren’t mine. They work, or have activities outside of school. They do a lot of things with their families too. I have nothing outside of school. Usually I watch TV and movies,read books or play video-games during my free time. My family never plan outings because my siblings are all grown ups. They have their job and they are planning on moving away anyway. My life is boring, I thought it wasn’t until I found out all I was doing was watching TV shows.
School is getting harder too, my classmates don’t want to help me because my questions are too obvious or dumb. When I ask for help, they get angry because I don’t understand quickly. My teachers are sure the whole class understands since we are a strong group, so they skip a lot of details that ,of course, I don’t understand. I would feel dumb to ask them for help. I feel like they are going to judge me. Some teachers did that to me in the past. I tried talking about my feelings to my friends but they don’t really listen. They just say “you are worrying for nothing, forget it” and they change the subject right away. I feel they aren’t there for me…
I had a dream of studying abroad to England, then I changed it for the USA because it was too expensive. And I changed it again to somewhere else in Canada, since the USA were too expensive too. Then, I just gave up on that dream, obviously my family doesn’t have the money. They are always complaining about money even for necessary things like school fees and clothes. Since all my siblings are working, I’m the only one asking for money. I feel like a burden, a very heavy burden to them. I’ve been looking for a part-time job for 2 years now and no one ever called me back, not even for an intervwiew… So I feel like I need to choose on a career that will give me a good salary even if I dont like it. They are a lot of things I have to sacrifice to not waste money. And when my parents find out I do those sacrifices they get angry at me.
I don’t have money for outside classes that interests me. So I try to ask my friends to start a workout with me, for example, or I just to learn by myself. However, my friends are always busy and I lose my motivation to keep going when I do it alone. And anyway, everytime I try to plan something with my friends, it never works. Sometimes I feel like they don’t want to hang out with me and maybe they are only using me. They never call me to hang out… So now I feel like ditching all of them and make new friends, but I don’t know how. Except from the fact that they aren’t always there for me because they are busy, they are really good friends. But I just feel like cutting all of them off my life even if I like them a lot, dunno why…
I don’t think I’m being myself right now. I’ve always been dreaming of being myself, but I don’t know why I just can’t. It’s like I’m so depressed, being myself is too much work. So I act like someone with no personnality, no passions, nada. I want to express myself, and I know it’s easy I just have to go for it. But it just doesnt work for me. There are so many things I want to do, but I can’t because money is holding me or my friends don’t want to or I’m just scared. I wish I could just start over. I even asked my parents if we could move to Vancouver (we were supposed to move there, but my parents just got lazy and stayed in Montreal). I wouldn’t care to leave my friends behind. I have like 2-3 very good friends, but I never see them. The other ones are the ones that make me feel like they are using me. My school will be voting for a strike on March 31st, and if we do vote yes, maybe the semester will be canceled. I so do not care about school anymore that I want the semester to be canceled. Anyway, so yeah I would love to just leave everything behind and move away but I can’t (money!). I’m just sick of everything life’s giving me. Any effort seems useless, even writing this post seems useless…
I feel like nothing next to my siblings. My older sister is the smart one, she finished university very quickly and she’s earning a lot of money. My father is very proud of her. He’s always talking to her, and never with me. If he does talk to me it’s to yell at me. My oldest brother is the one who’s not afraid to say what’s in his mind and he’s very easy-breazy. He gets in trouble sometimes because of what he says, but he doesnt care. And I never saw him stressed my entire life!! My other older brother is the geek, funny and very sociable guy. He can make jokes with everyone and no one get angry. He can even make risky jokes to my father and he wouldn’t get mad. If I do the same, he would seriously get more than just angry with me. So I’m kind of the outsider of the family, I have no personality. I don’t say what I think, I’m always stressed, I’m not smart like my sister, I’m not that funny and I’m not sociable like my brother.
What I just wrote is just 1/4 of what’s going bad right now. I would love to tell everything but I would be writing a novel instead.. I’ve been listening to the same sad song again and again for almost a week now. It’s pathetic. I feel like I’m lying in the bottom of a well and I’m screaming for someone to pull be up, but everyone sees it’s too hard so they give up on me. So I figured, I have to get out of that well myself, but I don’t know how. It’s dark and cold down here!!
Sorry for the long post, and thanks for everyone who read it all…
So yeah… What do I do? Am I a lost cause?
March 26, 2015 at 6:52 pm #74504AikiBenParticipant
- This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Marki.
Yep, you figured right. I’m afraid that’s the way it is. I know, it’s a bummer isn’t it! And yes, it’s hard at first but after a while you’ll be glad you did it. Just so you’re ready for it, you’ll also fall back into the hole often at first, but each time it gets easier to get out and with time you’ll be climbing mountains rather than caving hehe. You’re actually doing well at your age to have the self-awareness that you’ve been kidding yourself all this time – that’s what most people are doing for most of their lives so congrats to you. A few other points:
1. The sooner you can let go of those friends who clearly don’t care the better. I’m talking from experience here. I know you might be afraid of loneliness, but you are still better without them. Such people will drag/keep you down. Make an effort to establish contact with the true friends you said you have.
2. If you really do not want to be at school and you are genuinely not enjoying the course then leave. Yes, I know, I’ve been there, 1 yr into a 4 yr uni course and I didn’t want to be there. I stayed, but now I’m older and wiser and I can now say that anybody in a similar position asking what they should do, it’s a no-brainer to me. I know, all the what-ifs and the ‘but what about all the money and time invested already’, and the ‘but what about getting a job’, but none of that matters if what you are doing is making you miserable.
3. By the sounds of it you have direct access to an excellent teacher. Talk to your brother, open up and share with him. Spend as much time around him as you can. Do something to make it happen, visit him one weekend. Yes, maybe you never visit your brother so it might seem a bit strange, doesn’t matter, do it anyway.
4. Do some vigorous exercise a few times per week. This is important. I know you probably don’t feel like it right now, but it can help a lot.
5. Try doing some mind-body type practice – this is probably the most powerful thing that can help you I’d say. I strongly recommend enrolling yourself in a yoga class for a month. Yes, you will have to invest the money in yourself. Meditation is also very powerful, do that too – that’s free, watch a video on YouTube, don’t get bogged down by all the different types, just start off with the basic one, i.e. sit upright, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and just follow your breaths as you breathe normally. Just concentrate on the movement of your breath in and out for 15 mins, set an alarm clock. Do this daily. If you want to sleep extra well then do 10min before bed. Often you can go to bed and your body is ready but your mind is still busy thinking about stuff. Meditation puts an end to this.
Forget about not being bothered, feeling too lazy to do it, just do it.
Start where you are. Accept where you are. You can start over right now, you don’t need to go anywhere or change anything outside of you right away. Take your time.
All the best,
Ben.March 27, 2015 at 12:51 pm #74532CorinaParticipant
I feel the same way now to.
I hate me to.
These mood swings come and go for few days and go away then few months later I will get it again.
Oh well cheers.March 27, 2015 at 3:30 pm #74539
Omg Ben, those are very specific advices. Thank you so much!!
I’ll do as you say, I think meditation might be the priority right now. I clearly have to get my mind off all those ”problems”. And even though I’m scared of it, I’ll cut my friends out of my life. Anyway I need some alone time right now….
Thanks again for the list!!
MarkiMarch 27, 2015 at 10:22 pm #74554kateParticipant
Ive been in your spot before amd then i met some very interesting people that made me realize i could have been a lot more interesting my whole life. You are actually at a good point in your life. You need a little spicing up, take this time to develope yourself. Being alone can actually be a good thing for that. Find some interests, learn some skills, listen to music. Although right now family may seem like everything its really not. It may be easier to really find yourself away from them. Will you be going away for college? Which adds to my next point the best and easiest way to change is to change your environment, create a mew box for yourself, new people that you meet dont know who you were in the past you’ll have an opportunity to be natural without predisposed judgments.
Dont be afraid or shameless to feel stupid, your just being vulnerable and thats an important thing not to hide.
Right now it also sounds like you may be in the habit of pitying your situation, which really in the context isnt so bad. When you hear yourself telling yourself how terrible things are or when you get that down feeling snap yourself out of it and say you wont pity yourself anymore. Once you gain control of that habit you will feel a little.better. I never thought of it this way but a lot of how we feel is created and can be changed by disciplining the way we think.
Try to meditate, look into self hypnosis, pull yourself out the well no one will do it for you.
Im saying all this because ive recognized it in myself and am still spending time to fix it but above is what ive learned and has helped me, take away what you can from it.
P.s. This is from a phone so please excuse all the typos its a little brokeMarch 31, 2015 at 5:42 pm #74730
No worries, thanks for the advice!!
I’m will try to meet new people because I find that my friends aren’t really interesting people and like you said I really think I need to spice up my life. That’s probably the main reason why I feel depressed. I found an old diary of mine and I found that there are a lot of things I started doing to spice up my life, but I never kept at it. So does anyone has any advice on how to kind of ”discipline’ myself to keep up on the new things I try. I find it really hard!