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obsession with boyfriend's ex?

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  • September 3, 2016 at 5:03 pm #114147
    Sonya
    Participant

    I saw her online, she is so pretty I can’t stop imagining her with my man! This is the best relationship I’ve ever had, I don’t want to jeopardize it because of my insecurities. They don’t talk or live in the same town, and she is now in another relationship. Why can’t I stop thinking about her? All I do is compare myself to her and it’s sickening

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Sonya.
    September 3, 2016 at 6:48 pm #114154
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sonyablade:

    Do you have a history of obsessing about this or that? A history of anxiety?

    anita

    September 4, 2016 at 6:46 am #114185
    Sonya
    Participant

    I have high anxiety, medicated. And yes, this happened with my ex boyfriend, I checked on his ex regularly too

    September 4, 2016 at 7:53 am #114187
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sonyablade:

    It is your anxiety that needs to be attended to more. If your relationship with your boyfriend is good, then he can be a source of comfort to you. Express your fear to him, in moderation (so not to overwhelm him), take responsibility for it (so you don’t blame him for anxiety that predated him), and let him soothe you.

    Anxiety is very common and your boyfriend probably can relate to it. Maybe not to the particular obsession you have, but other ways his anxiety manifests itself, at least sometimes.

    Help each other. There is a line from a poem that I like: “Every one of us has to live with fear.” Help each other live with it better.

    anita

    September 4, 2016 at 9:41 am #114201
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I agree with anita. Address the underlying insecurity and the obsessive thoughts will grow less powerful.

    Work on your relationship with yourself and you’ll come to see that she’s not important.

    September 4, 2016 at 7:26 pm #114238
    Sonya
    Participant

    Thank you so much! How do I possibly bring up a touchy subject like this? I have no idea how I could tell him..

    September 4, 2016 at 8:03 pm #114240
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sonyablade:

    You are welcome. You can tell your boyfriend something like this (I am using your posts here):

    “I love you. This is the best relationship I ever had. I love you and sometimes I am afraid to lose you, to lose you to someone prettier than me. I imagine you with a prettier woman and it hurts a lot. You did nothing to make me scared, I was scared before I met you. ”

    I wouldn’t mention his ex girlfriend at this point because it may lead to you asking him questions about her leading to more questions and that will be a problem: it will add a burden for him AND it will not unburden you.

    After you tell him the above, wait and see if he says something. He may not know what to say and therefore say nothing. Then let it be for now. If he says something comforting, that will be excellent.

    If you do talk to him post here with an update and I, for one, will be glad to reply further.

    Post anytime.

    anita

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