Thanks for reading, I need an outlet of some sort and I feel as though receiving anonymous objective opinion will help clear my head. For almost this entire relationship, I have felt like this and any positive (or negative) feedback will help – especially if you’ve felt like this before and were able to overcome it. This is my more of own issue, than relationship problems. (Well, probably communication problems)

For the past year and a half, I have been dating an amazing man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. Loving, sexy, hard-working, extremely intelligent and honest. Our chemistry together is amazing personality-wise and sexually, we’re always laughing and having conversations about anything and doing lots of new things together. We were LDR for 8 months of the relationship and we will be going through another 1yr LDR due to school. In regards to the future, we seem to have the same goals (marriage, kids, travelling, work, etc) and would like to spend it together, but we haven’t seriously discussed it.

The issue: I have an obsession with the thought of his ex-gf and their relationship for a long time and it seriously affecting my self-esteem and my view of our relationship. I’ve always had a low-esteem, no confidence, but I have never felt this kind of jealousy before. I trust my boyfriend 100% and I know he wouldn’t cheat on me.

Background: When my boyfriend Jack and I first met, he was out 2-3mo from a serious on and off 3yr relationship with his high school sweetheart Jill. They broke up because of distance. She was seeing someone else shortly after they broke up. I was recently out of a 2yr relationship 1 month before. We broke up because my ex-bf had a mental breakdown.
When Jack and I started to go out, it was more of exclusive hook-up for the first 3mo. During that time, he would always talk about his ex-gf. Sex positions they would do, showing me pictures of them together, how her body was different than my body, telling me about an event related to what we were doing at the time, etc etc etc. At first, I didn’t mind – he was just talking about it and I was kind of curious since it wasn’t a seriously relationship at that point. After a month, it started to bother me so I abruptly told him to stop. He said he did not have feelings for her and was just telling stories of the past with no emotion attached to it. He did stop for a little, then slowly started slipping stories in again. As far as I know, they were friends but did not keep in contact that often.

We started to get serious after 3mo. Besides the ex-gf stories, the relationship was amazing. But the small ex-gf stories slowly continued. I probably told him at least 3 times to stop doing it throughout 6mo. I realize now that I was not assertive with how I felt when I told him and the feelings lingered. Then we got into a huge fight about it in July 2012. It was during our LDR and I was drunk and finally told him everything that I truly felt – how I felt insecure and inadequate in our relationship because of the ex-gf issue. He was at first angry – telling me I had a complex about it and that he had no feelings towards her. He calmed down and then understood me. It was a very good conversation and the first time I let him see the dark place of my mind. He hasn’t spoken about her since July 2012. He tells me he loves me everyday and I know he loves me very much.

Even though he stopped completely, the thoughts are EXTREMELY obsessive and invasive. Almost everyday, I feel as though I could not compare to her – she is so much funnier, prettier. Everything they did, he will compare it to us for the rest of his life because she was his first love and he will probably have love for her forever. I started to picture everything we did together, they did together and it was so much better then. I feel like his high-school party days were the best times of his life, and now he’s settled. I resort to self-destructing ways. I know this absolutely horrible, but I would go on Jill’s fb, instagram, twitter and compare myself. I would go on Jack’s skype and phone and look at their old messages, or even just to see if they were talking recently. Before this relationship, I have never snooped before. I am so ashamed of it -especially since I keep doing it.

I am working on controlling these urges. I’ve just resisted the urge to look, deleting social media, some therapy (not very good therapists), trying to keep myself busy and being mindful of my thoughts, but I feel like the hole I’ve dug is much deeper and I am having an extremely hard time getting out. I know that he is with me for a reason and that the past is the past, but … I don’t know ….

Currently, our relationship is good. But I feel like my resentment of it is coming out in subtle negative ways – I’ve been passive aggressive about little things, I get quiet around him sometimes, asking him what he loves about me, I sarcastically say insecure things. I really want to work on this and I want to make our relationship thrive because I know I am better than the mindset I’ve been in. He and no one else has NO idea how I feel.

Any feedback would be great. Thank you.