Thank you Anita. I noticed that I felt better by just writing the post. I think I need someone with whom to share, though I am not in a position yet to mingle with others in person.

Yes, I understood the difference. I think my mind is unable to let go of the situation because it is convinced that *I* did/said something which annoyed her/put her off, and I am trying to find out what it was that I did, so that I can *fix* me (based on the last experience, this *fixing* could go to the extreme extent of quitting the job or even life). I also believe that the mental patterns carved inside, through my job as a representative who solves specific problems for others, have been so ingrained that until I find the fix, I cannot rest. Because of that ‘disapproval’, I am reminded of my problems; the mind goes into unrest until it finds a fix.

All the while that that scene plays in my mind, I feel miserable, but as soon as I am required to pay attention (to my job, etc., but not anything like movies which can remind me, directly or indirectly, of this event), I am free from the grip of obsession for at least some time.

I do not know if I do or do not project the thought that ‘I am deserving of someone else’s disapproval’. These feelings always arrive after the event has passed. My mind ruminates, obsesses, and attaches to the past events, even though it is harmful. I am in a situation where I do not know how to let it go. It is similar to being asked to not think about a purple elephant. My analogy is not accurate though, as the difference between the purple elephant and the event is that I am emotionally heavily involved in the event, while the purple elephant is something my mind can brush off very easily. I wish I were able to the just clear my mind at will. It is also not so much about clearing the mind as it is about the calming emotional effect such clearing has on me. I can also recognize the distinct difference in my emotional state once I become free.

Even if I say that her thinking was not about me, it is at the same level of thought as thinking that it was indeed about me. The difference, I think, is that the former will not drag me down while the latter will (and has been for as long as I can remember, lowering my energy, making me susceptible to extreme reactions over trivial matters). Should I not care about which one of the two is true? Or should I barge ahead and choose the option which benefits me, regardless of its truth value? What if in the future I find out that it was indeed a disapproval cast towards me?

Thank you Anita, Lsler. I think both of your points are applicable to me. Fear arising because of the (real or perceived) disapproval, and playing both the roles of myself and her in my obsessive thoughts.

While playing myself, I feel justified in saying what I said. Then, I switch roles and again feel justified in thinking that it is proper that he-LosingItAll (or his behaviour) should be disapproved of by me-the-girl.

(coming back to being my own self.) In this role-playing, the personality which ‘wins’ is always the other party’s and never mine, and I end up torturing the real me with anxiety and fear, by playing her. When being the ‘victim’, I feel fear of not making it in this life, or landing in deep troubles, or people not accepting me.

I internalize the negative behaviour of others towards me, and play their role inside my mind, treating my real self as the object of their response. My own voice gets drowned. She may no longer be thinking about me, but she now lives on in my mind as a limited-scope, negatively-inclined entity. I think I have picked up several of such entities over the years. I believe this behaviour includes the projection Lsler mentioned – if LosingItAll were to do what she did, then LosingItAll would do it only when he felt disgusted/disappointed towards the her, as if it were she which spoke those words. It is also possible that this projection was learnt from one of the entities I keep in my mind.

I want to remove this role-playing, or at least remember positive roles instead of negative ones for starters. The problem with me is that I am unable to speak words inside my mind. The above behaviour of role-playing occurs in the form of a silent-movie running inside my mind. As soon as the picture emerges, my state of mind is diluted with anxiety and anger; no words involved. I am unable to permanently erase the movie. I am not sure if people can relate with this manner of thinking (or if it is a labelled, medical condition).

I know that I have felt being ‘wrong’, more than I have felt being ‘correct’. I do not know if this should matter, but it does to me, very intensely. My life has been a response, by the way of overcompensating, to the events/people which pointed out my faults (directly or through disapprovals, smart comments). I think I have a fundamental defect – I did not learn how to learn.