One of the buzz phrases we hear a lot lately is “let it go.” I get confused when I hear this. What does it mean to let go? What does it look like, and how do I do it? I finally had a good example of this in my own life, just last night.

Four years ago, my sister moved away to China with her now husband. We had a very close relationship before that, so her choice made me incredibly angry. What about all the plans we made to live near each other? What about all those times we said men weren’t important, and we could get on just fine without ‘em? I was sad, disappointed, and holding on to the story that “it wasn’t fair” and “she should have told me or asked my permission before leaving.” These stories kept me in an angry (and unflatteringly controlling) spot. I thought my sister should carve her life around my happiness, because I felt that my happiness was more important (it’s not).

Letting go for me was a long process. It took me 3 or so years of ups and downs to finally let go of the hurt, perceived betrayal, and general mindset of taking my sister’s choice so personally! There were times that I felt really distant from her. I remember visiting her in China, and actually feeling nervous to see her, because I didn’t know who she was anymore. Other times I felt angry and sad, although in denial about those feelings. At one point I told my mom and aunt that I had “let it go, I was ok with her decision to leave.” When my aunt asked how I did that, I responded angrily, “I just realized what a poor choice she’s making for her career by leaving the US, and that’s how!” Wow, doesn’t sound like someone who had let it go, does it?

Finally, little by little, I began to truly let it go. I slowly warmed up to the idea that her decision to move had nothing to do with her love for me. I slowly caught myself in angry thought loops, and told myself a different story: it’s okay to let other people do things differently. It’s okay to let people make their own choices, even when they don’t make you feel too hot. I slowly FORGAVE her, and we started a weekly Wednesday morning phone call, allowing us to be, I might venture to say, CLOSER than we were before she left.
Last night I went out to dinner with my mom and step dad. The topic of my sister came up, as it often did. But this time something was different. I no longer joined in my mom’s misery and plan-hatching to get her home. No, this time I said she will come home when she’s ready. And we will be willing to help her with open arms when she does. Until then, I was staying out of it. No more hunting for jobs in the US she didn’t ask for. No more making plans for her to come back before she’s ready. I sounded a lot more like someone who had let it go.

Throughout this conversation I was getting texts from my sister. She was nudging me to check my WeChat, which is a popular Chinese app similar to Whatsapp. I put aside my phone to finish the conversation with my mother. Ironically, or amazingly, or both, when I finally checked my WeChat, I was stunned: my sister and her husband had made the decision to come home. FOR GOOD. THIS YEAR.

The moment I had completely relinquished control and LET GO was the moment I got what I ultimately wanted. Of course this isn’t how it always works out in life, but it’s worth a shot right? Letting go will save you a whole lot of pain in the process, so why not see what other benefits it brings?

Peacefully,
Hayley