On the Verge

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    I’ve been married 14 years and am deciding to leave the emotional and physical abuse and start a new life. I’m scared. He hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks other than for work. I finally had the courage to approach him directly yesterday, told him I respect his alone time for soul searching, but tomorrow it will be two weeks and we need to have our discussion soon to finalize things. I have been healing my soul as best I know how, journaling, watching movies and music I love, getting encouragement from friends and family. I never really took a hard long look at this relationship and how tumultuous it really has been, all the really bad fights and abuse. I am feeling more confidant with my decision with each day, although I do waver. I have a temp place to stay and a job lined up, but no money. He has everything we own in his name. I’m scared again. Maybe I should stay and he will change, but something tells me after 14 years, he will never change. Any thoughts?



    Sigh… I know I shouldn’t tell you what to do. It’s your life and you have our support regardless. But it’s been 14 years. You might want things to be different, but you’ve known him long enough to really SEE who he is. Two weeks of silent treatment is ridiculous. And I’m the type of person who “needs space” to get my thoughts in order. Two weeks is pure manipulation and spite. And it’s just plain shitty.

    Once you go, you are going to doubt your decision. That’s expected and normal. Accept it. You’re going to have moments or days of crying and sadness. Let yourself experience it. Those emotions DON’T mean that you made the wrong decision. It’s going to be hard to get back on your feet and it’s going to take a while. BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. You have a place to stay; you have a job lined up. You can make that work. Give it time.

    And keep doing all the things that heal your soul. It will help you get to a better place and to recognize good when it comes your way. It will also help you recognize bad situations when they come your way (so you don’t repeat this type of relationship).

    You’ll be okay. You’ll land on your feet. Trust yourself. You deserve better.


    In addition to Lindsay’s heartfelt wisdom (GO!), consider that you’re not alone. Often there are a number of social organizations specifically there because of how helpless an abused partner sometimes feels. The abusive partner seems to be in “control” of finances, property, and so forth, but remember that you have rights. Consider talking to a local woman’s center, shelter, DHS, or united way. You don’t have to do it alone, and there are many ways to make your escape less painful and scary.

    Take back your power, dear sister!

    With warmth,

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