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One Complicated Relationship After Another- Time For Change

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  • #43170
    Joe
    Participant

    After another complicated relationship, I needed to do something different. I did not know why I have always attracted women with physical or emotional abuse. And in the end of the relationships, they all bolt. I finally decided to go through therapy. In therapy, I realized that growing up, my parents really never expressed their love to me. To compensate, I grabbed anyone who would love me. And this is what attracted these women towards me. Deep down, they want change. But unless they themselves have gone through help, the raw feelings of love is actually too strong for them, and in the end, they leave.

    So how did I end up here, with multiple complicated relationships after another? I’ve never really fit in anywhere. Growing up and going to high school in a predominately “white” campus did not help. I was always left out of social events. I’m the bystander, looking from the outside. Even in Asian associations, I felt out of place. I’m viewed as “not too Asian”, and “not all Asian.” Flowing in the middle of two views is difficult. Where do I belong? Also, being an Asian male minority, we are usually viewed as the last option in terms of dating. Females from your own race, in 99% of the cases, usually prefer to date “white” males. Same goes for all of the typical gals from different races (whites, Indians, Hispanics, etc.). Where do I fit in? I don’t belong anywhere? Am I such a monster that no one wants to date me? These questions usually cause me a great deal of depression. I would cycle through ups and downs. This went on for the past twenty years.

    Finally, a light bulb turned on. Do I REALLY need a woman in my life? This was the question that my brother posed to me. He said, “You know, unless they have something to offer you, then you don’t need them.” A switch turned on. I’m a stable guy, with two degrees, and I’m about to go to medical school. I have no kids and I’m funny. What do you have to offer me? In all of my past relationships, none of my girlfriends had anything to offer me except complications and heartache.

    For the time being, I am content. Granted, I still do have ups and downs. But at the end of the day, I have my friends, my family, and my education as a medical student. Life is simple and more beautiful this way.

    -Joe

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Joe.
    #43176
    John
    Participant

    That’s freedom! Way to go Joe.

    Check out, “If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path” by Charlotte Kasl

    If you’re happy being alone and no longer driven by longing, need, or fear and you’re ready to ask yourself what you really want in a mate in terms of values, lifestyles, and goals, seeing others for who they are as opposed to who you need them to be, and be willing to walk away from someone who doesn’t share in what you believe in even if it means being alone for the rest of your life, you’ll find a lot more happiness and joy. That’s confidence. That’s strength. That’s freedom!

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by John.
    #43181
    Joe
    Participant

    Thanks John. I’m going to order that book. I feel relief and empowered. I’ve got more confidence too. Heck yeah!!!

    #43201
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Joe,

    I think i am a girl version of you. the difference is being an Indian girl in this western world, i not only attract emotionally unavailable men but also men with a “fetish”, Being insecure all my life (even now), I felt like the only thing i can offer a man is my body. Never mind the undergrad in Finance and Economics which i got whilst working 2 jobs. I still look at some men and think “oh he is too good looking for me” or “oh he is too smart for me”. Unfortunately, for us Asian kids who grew up parents who would never show affection, this is a very normal way of thinking.

    I hope to get where you are in my life soon. i hope to ask “what can they offer me?”. for right now, i am mending my broken heart and also growing. I know I screwed up a lot in my previous relationship and I want to make sure that when and if i find that worthy man, I am my best-est self.

    Namaste dear brother.

    #43203
    Joe
    Participant

    Sapnap3,

    It took me a long time to finally arrive at this moment in time. I’ve been through so many complicated relationships that I finally made a decision to seek help. I would suggest that you go through therapy and see what is the root of your problem. From what you have told me, it looks like we have a similar cause that led us to seek love in all the wrong places. I am also going through energy work. It’s called Polarity. It’s a combination of Reiki and acupressure. On a subtle level, we tend to store what we believe in our bodies. So, I’m trying to clear it out of my system.

    Also, we truly have to love ourselves for who we are. I’ve finally accepted the face that I am “who” I am and it’s awesome to be me. This self love is the key to changing what we project out to people. Until we do this, then people with “issues” will continue to show up.

    You will get there. From what you have shared with me, any guy would be lucky to have you in his life. You have to believe this as well. Email me if you want to chat: jchang436@gmail.com.

    -Joe

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