Hi Everybody,

My ex and I have been broken up for about a year and three months. We were together for 3 and a half years and had a very intense and loving relationship. In the beginning we were fairly toxic — as we were young adults in college and I had insecurities and he had commitment issues. But things evened out and we grew a lot together. The last year of our relationship was very balanced.

However, he broke up with me because he was going to dental school across the country. I don’t regret the breakup because I think it was needed for each of our growth. The problem is, over the past year we’ve kind of been indirectly communicating through our music profiles and things of the sort. (We post a lot of love songs on our page, etc) We finally started casually talking again a little bit this past month, and then this past weekend he came home to visit during one of his breaks and we spent the most blissful weekend together. It was like we were back together for 3 days.

It was like a dream. But life is not a dream. Life is complicated, and sometimes love is not enough. While I would attempt anything for him, he does not want to do long distance. And the more I think about it, the more apprehensive I get as well. There are just so many ways it could go wrong. It’s not like we’re just working in different cities — I am about to move to NYC and a lot of my life is about to change. For him, he is in a very intensive schooling program and lives on campus.

On top of that, his love language is VERY much so “touch”. And not necessarily in just a sexual way. He is just very touchy feely and has trouble communicating. Everyone says long distance is all about communication. He is very stunted in that area, as well as emotionally traumatized from his childhood and family issues. I am one of the very few that know his deepest darkest spots, and that’s why our connection is so strong. But it takes work to heal those traumas, and with all of his attention on dental school, I can’t imagine him being able to dedicate effort to healing and learning communication skills for a long term relationship.

What do I do? I simply can’t find it in me to fully just give up on us. I went 6 months without contacting him, without the “indirect communication” on the music profiles. I tried very, very hard to move on and he was still in my thoughts all day every day. We want to be together so badly but we can’t.

I don’t want to hold him back and I want nothing more than to focus on myself and my growth. But there’s something that draws us together. Some friends think maybe we can just try to be “best friends” with that love between us, and just see where it goes. Casually talk, maybe a trip here or there. Both of us have been dating around but it hasn’t been promising. No one seems to compare to one another.

I don’t know what to do. It is so hard when you love each other and you can’t be together. I’m heartbroken all over again after this weekend. I am using this as a learning lesson to continue to give myself love, to know that all my healing comes from within, and that I am whole on my own. I am using it to remind myself to be mindful of each present moment and not spent in my head thinking of him. I want to be independent and calm, because that is what will draw him to me. He needs to be with somebody who is complete on their own and ok with dental school being his first priority, and I want to be that person not only for him, but for myself. I just don’t know where to go from here.