Forum Replies Created
September 25, 2017 at 1:59 pm #170251
I agree. The issue is that he is so fearful of abandonment (he has childhood issues regarding this) and commitment, intimacy, etc. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it! I know I deserve more than to have to convince someone to be with me. But I just feel like we’re so close, why not try?
Anita, you’re so right. I say it’s all or nothing and then I keep faltering on my word. I think it’s because I went so long rejecting his connections for almost a year, that these past few months left me without much will-power. After his most recent visit, I actually had no plans on re-blocking him, but our mutual best friend (my male best friend and his good friend as well) suggested I do it to really give him a message. I kind of regretted it because I had done it before and clearly gone back on my word, so it felt a little hasty and dramatic. But once I did it, I felt even sillier un-doing it. So I just left him blocked.
I guess time will only tell with how this goes.August 9, 2017 at 6:41 am #163002
Thank you! I am so excited. I also appreciate your response. I have tried so hard to think this through logically and be honest with myself. Your comment was comforting about humans needing other people. You are right in that aspect. I guess I just want to be independent and secure on my own. I don’t need him, but I want him SO badly. It’s tough.
I hope the move takes my mind off of everything and is a whirlwind of growth and adventure, independent of him.August 9, 2017 at 6:37 am #163000
I’m sorry for the pain that you feel. I know nearly exactly how you feel. I almost felt like your story was telling the story of my past relationship! My ex and I were together for 3 and a half years. He was pre-med and ended up going to dental school across the country. So his schooling, preparing and testing was very rigorous and intensive. It was his first priority as well as your boyfriends. I fulfilled the same role of being his little helper, his sidekick, etc. He appreciated a lot. My ex also has communication issues and his love language is touch. He struggles very much so with verbal communication as well. The majority of our relationship always felt unbalanced and that I was always asking for more. We actually broke up once a year for a couple months at a time for our entire relationship because of this same reason. I always needed more than he could provide. Things took a turn during our last year when I finally decided to not get my happiness from him anymore. I took up yoga, and it became something to do after work some nights. It became something of mine that had nothing to do with him. Is there anything that you can do that fulfills you that has nothing to do with him? I know you are long distance now, but regardless, I think this will help. I’ve come to see that instead of trying to fix a problem that you’re struggling with or want to forget, if you add things to your life that you love and make you happy, those problems either seem to fade away from your attention or fix themselves. I learned that when I took a step away and started nurturing myself and keeping myself more occupied, he came to meet me in the middle. People have an aversion to do something when they feel obligated, pressured or pushed.
With that said, he did end up leaving me when he had to move across the country for dental school. We aren’t together now but we actually just reunited this past weekend and are still very much in love with eachother. However, i’m not sure it’s going to work out because of distance and his busy school schedule.
It may hurt, but just focus on yourself. Don’t chase him. If you focus on making yourself the best version you can be, the people that should be in your life will be drawn to you and stay around. Good luck.May 30, 2017 at 7:59 am #151216
I am so sorry for your situation. I also am going through something somewhat similar. My sister has developed a deep psychosis that I believe also borders on schizophrenia, and my mother is also currently in rehab and has been for the past 3 weeks due to a sudden case of severe alcoholism. She is also very mentally ill.
There is a huge burden that comes and goes. I have spent about the past 6+ months or so trying to slowly cut myself off from my family. I know it’s painful and feels selfish, but part of me cannot seem to handle the phone calls and the news via my father (the only one I still speak to). I go pretty well with accepting my situation and knowing I can’t save them, until I receive news or a harassing text from one of them that brings me into a downward spiral. Ironically, today I finally blocked their numbers.
It took me a very long time to come to this conclusion that this is what is best for me. I know it might be harder for you because your brother seems to get better and worse repeatedly and it is more drugs than it is a mental situation. Since it’s more “concrete” in the sense of drugs, there is more of a feeling like you could help or save him.
Like Anita said, I think it is best to tell him how much you love him and how much you care. Let him know that when he wants help, that you are there for him. But until then, you also have to protect yourself by not getting caught up in all of the issues that repeatedly come up. There is only so much you can handle. Say your peace and then distance.
It is so much easier said than done. I worry myself, that if I lost my mother or my sister that I might bare guilt. I don’t know how to come to that conclusion. But this past year I have fallen apart mentally by taking it all on. Coping is protecting yourself in any way you can.May 1, 2017 at 1:00 pm #147579
Anita, thank you. I really appreciate it.
I was really struggling with the concept of letting my family go and couldn’t really wrap my head around such a drastic measure. However, it wasn’t as drastic as I thought it was going to be. I immediately felt better within a week of deciding to really distance myself, so that is how I knew it was the right decision for me.
I’m still on good terms with my father though and he seems to be slightly disappointed and stressed that I’ve made this decision. I can tell he understands, but I feel guilty now leaving him to be the only “sane” person to take care of it all. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I have to do what’s best for me. He, unfortunately has a tendency to put things off and be a little dismissive until issues HAVE to be faced, and I’ve been warning him about treating my sister and mother for a long time. Part of me feels bad for him to leave this on his shoulders, but at the same time he wasn’t listening to me when I’ve brought this up for years. Part of me feels selfish, but I quite frankly do not have the resources (literal and emotional) to take this all on.April 10, 2017 at 12:50 pm #144441
WOW. I can’t tell you enough how much of a weight that lifted off my shoulders. I feel as if you are the only person I’ve met thus far who really gets it. I know a lot of people have one or two “problem” family members, but when its nearly all of your immediate family, it’s on a whole other level that most don’t quite get. Thank you for sharing. You were absolutely not diminishing my plight, I really felt a relief in knowing that I’m not alone.
It has taken some months for me to really realize that this separation is what is needed. Unfortunately, I think things are only going to get worse. You really hit me with the “your first duty is to make the most of your life”. I think I have been spending a lot of time recently trying to fight what is, or being a victim to my circumstances. I really just need to let go, and this past week I’ve felt a lot of pressure off my shoulders because of that. Definitely not trying to hurt anyone, but this is MY LIFE and I want to live it in a healthy and happy environment.
Thank you so much again.
Also, Inky, I like your strategy. I think that is kind of how I’m going to do things if possible.April 7, 2017 at 12:24 pm #144105
Ramon, thank you for your insight. My mother is definitely a narcissist and I’m starting to realize that my boyfriend that dumped me was one as well. I’m also co-dependent. You are very accurate in everything that you just said.
I think the worst part is that the stark contrast between my father and everyone else — my father is my hero. He has been through so much and still also acts like myself by trying to help and remain positive every day. He doesn’t seem to have the mental genes that are on my mom’s side, so he really isn’t very depressed and feels lucky to wake up every day and shows it through positivity and gratitude. He’s the type of person I strive to be! I know he’s told me in the past that if I even need to “cut him off” for my own sanity that it’s ok, as he is so amazingly understanding, but I just love him so much and I also rely on his guidance and support. The downside is that he does “vent” to me at times about everything going on, so if I talk to him, I also tend to get some of the news about my mother or sisters. He doesn’t put it on me though, he only tells me when I ask. Should I cut off contact with him too? Or maybe just make sure we never talk about the family? I think he’s also looking out for me by being supportive of my separation.
The thing is, this is only one aspect of my pain. It is also the break up that I’m still facing and the subsequent weight gain from all the stress. And for whatever reason, the weight gain is the thing that drives me crazy the most! Probably because I can’t ignore it and am faced to see myself in the mirror every day. I have this idea that I’ll be happy again once I lose the weight and therefore able to deal with my other problems as well. However, I think the other problems are at the stem of it. So maybe you and Anita are right, and maybe truly cutting them off might be best in the long run. I just want so badly to be happy again and free of this weight (mental AND physical).April 7, 2017 at 11:04 am #144073
Anita, your reply kind of frustrates me. It is not an easy path, especially when my Mother is suffering from severe issues that continue to get worse and at times I feel like I need to provide somewhat of an ear to my father, or to offer help. It is difficult thinking to myself I can’t go and visit the home I was raised in to see my father (who I have a very healthy and positive relationship with) or my family dog, or just my childhood home that I love and find comfort in. Am I just really supposed to cut off my whole family completely while they’re all suffering?
To add — no, I do not feel lucky to not be plagued with mental illness — because yes, I am depressed now in contrast to that post you’re referencing. Thank you for reminding me that I’ve gotten worse. Unfortunately, none of your response helps me to feel slightly comforted, only a reminder that I have indeed gotten worse.March 28, 2017 at 6:48 am #142539
Jason, wow you hit the nail on the head. I knew that I had some codependent behaviors but I don’t think I knew what the true definition was. I just watched a video and I am absolutely codependent — it has been hard for me recently to figure out what “to think about” — which is why I have been obsessing over losing weight for the past 10 months. That was my “process”, whereas before it was the “breakup” and then before that, it was the relationship. I always need a process, person, or thing to occupy my mind. I had no idea that this is what codependency is.
I was in a relationship starting at 16 years old until I was almost 20 (a very impressionable time) that was VERY codependent and toxic. My boyfriend was older than me and convinced me that love was all encompassing, that you become “one person”, and did not give me a shred of privacy or independence. It was very mentally and emotionally abusive and I had to “escape” — I don’t think I realized how that created codependent patterns in my life. Good thing I’m going to therapy and will be able to work through this.
However, I did “bite the bullet” and I ended up reaching out to my ex. He has yet to answer so we will see what happens. While I think your point is right at the core, I think I also need the peace of mind on a more shallow level. He has posted all these sad songs and given me so many small glimmers of hope and it’s not allowing me to move on. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to know for sure. That way, I can ask him to stop sending me mixed signals and let me move on.March 24, 2017 at 6:30 am #141463
Craig and Anita, I am currently seeing a therapist once a week to work out all my issues. I think that is part of this whole “it’s all coming to a head” thing. I am finally dealing with and facing a lot of the issues that I have been putting off by obsessing about diet and exercise, and it is painful.
I really hope this all is just getting worse before it gets better.March 21, 2017 at 9:41 am #140971
Anita, unfortunately all that did was remind me that the depression did indeed, catch up to me and that none of those family issues have been resolved. Is there an insight here that I’m missing?March 10, 2017 at 6:04 am #138701
Anita, unfortunately right after exercise isn’t really when I’m hungry. It’s more like later that day or the next day. When I consciously try to drink teas and waters to curb it, the more I think about “trying not to be hungry” so that’s why I think the no exercise is one thing to help make this equation more simple, you know?
Hopefully just some yoga here and there for my mind and therapy will do the trick as long as I’m listening to my body! Thanks 🙂
P.S. I had a packet of Oreos yesterday, they really weren’t that good! lol!March 9, 2017 at 11:22 am #138285
Nina & Helen, thank you so much for your insight. I do think I need to cheat “when it’s worth it” and make sure it’s something I’m really craving, not just any sugar that’s accessible. I really have been craving oreos for weeks. I might buy a small packet like you said and listen to that craving.
With that said, I’m trying to establish a healthy “non obsessive” thought process — listening to my body, not trying to plan everything down to the calorie and just eat healthy, normal foods. However, through this whole process I’ve learned that I have a serious love for cooking and trying new foods and recipes! It’s kind of hard, because it takes away a bit of the thoughtlessness when I imagine/plan cooking a meal for the creative expression and then I can’t separate it from the weight and body issues. I get excited about the meal for purely the creative expression like I used to (I used to cook before and experiment with meals but now its SO much stronger) but then it trickles into my body issues.
Should I take a break from this and just go back to simple basic meals that I know are healthy, normal filling meals so that it eases my mind a bit and gives me one less thing to have my mind revolve around food?March 6, 2017 at 1:30 pm #136241
Helen, thank you SO much for this! I really appreciate the detail of your answer and how thoughtful you are.
It’s tricky, because I actually love exercise! But at the very same time, it has become a numbers equation. So while I do love a good sweat session, ultimately the hunger I get from it and the obsessive food thoughts/body scanning for progress/binge eating from it outweigh the stress relief that it brings me. I think the negative is outweighing the positive these days.March 6, 2017 at 12:12 pm #136215
Anita, thank you so much. I think everything you said was absolutely spot on. I really appreciate your insight.
One question, where do I go from here? We haven’t spoken in four days — and we usually talk every day. This is definitely “a fight” for us. Do I reach out first? I feel she does not treat me with the kindness and comfort I do technically deserve, but I also understand why as stated above. Not sure how to reach out, because I feel she has a need for keeping the upper hand, and I don’t appreciate that.