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Best Friend Not Being Supportive

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  • #136061
    sadpeach
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have a “best friend” who I’ve considered a best friend for almost 14 years now. I think my last post on here was actually about how she wasn’t being supportive at the time for the past few months and how alone I was feeling because of it.

    Slowly things started to recover after I gave her space and we started chatting regularly again. We text most of the day while we’re at work because we both work at advertising agencies. One thing we bond on is discussing what’s going on at our companies and work processes, whether it’s complaining about our day or just general discussion. The longer this has gone on, the closer we’ve gotten and I think we depend on each other a bit too much for emotional support. At least, I might depend on her a little too much. I feel like she only needs me when she wants me there (hence the whole thing of her being a little distant for a few months).

    I was going through a really hard time (still am, sort of) and I was venting to her too much. I needed support from a friend, it wasn’t even as much “complaining” as it was serious emotional issues and very serious family issues I was experiencing at the time. However, I did understand that she’s only one person and it’s hard to be depended on for such dark issues. She would be condescending because she just truly didn’t get it — and I am sometimes the same way when people vent to me. I have a tendency to “mock a pain that I haven’t endured”. It’s something I need to work on.

    We got better and things bounced back. I was doing better emotionally and I even started seeing a therapist, for the exact reason of not depending on friends as much to listen to my issues. I had a great session (my second session ever) and had a “break through” that I’m not grieving my ex as much as I thought I was. I’ve been having severe weight and body issues and I think it’s because I can control that more than I can control grieving my ex or dealing with my family issues. I kind of stopped talking about my ex after 6 or 7 months because I just figured no one wanted to hear it anymore, and that I had crossed the point of being “sad”. I didn’t want to make myself look weak. Especially because of friends like this one who just hated my ex and thought it was stupid and naive for me to have a soft spot for him still.

    So, when I realized that I had been repressing the grief, I felt so relieved. I realized that I really had been kind of been pushing it to the back of my head for a few months and not openly grieving. Since I tell my best friend everything, I was eager to tell her about my realization when I got out of therapy. She started questioning everything I said and was insinuating that the therapist was sort of “planting” these feelings inside my head, making it seem like it was wrong for me to be feeling the way I was feeling. She kept telling me “you need to be careful”, “i know you get excited about things, but going to therapy isn’t going to solve all your problems” and that “just because she said it doesn’t make it right.”

    I was so confused? I came to the realization all on my own and if anything I thought it was good that I had made some progress! This friend of mine went through therapy last year after a bout of depression and anxiety so I didn’t understand her lack of support. She seemed resentful that I actually like my therapist, as I know most people have to try a few to get the right fit. But i honestly like mine! What is so wrong with that?

    I kept trying to explain my emotions and the dichotomy of having a soft spot/missing my ex/loving and grieving him all the while knowing I need to move on. It was a concept she couldn’t wrap her head around. The more I explained the more she resisted, until it became a fight. I don’t understand her motives.

    Would she have wanted me to have a bad therapy session? Does she just not want to hear about it AT ALL? Is that someone I can consider a best friend? I hadn’t talked to her about my ex in months. And ONE time is too overwhelming for her? Have I broken a threshold of dependency on her that she will always be annoyed at, even if what I’m venting about is normal? I don’t know what to do. I know I can be a lot, I am a huge talker (as you can tell by this post) and I come off intense. But I’m kind of at a point where it’s like “take it or leave it.”

    She likes me when I’m doing good, but when I’m not or showing signs of weakness, she clearly puts up this annoyed and condescending wall. We’ve been friends for so long and I can’t blame her for simply just not getting it, but it hurts. Do I keep being best friends with her but just try to keep things light? Help! What do I do?

    #136171
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tessa:

    First point: best you do not discuss what happens in your therapy sessions, or as a result of it, with anyone other than your therapist (If you share here, I believe I will not handicap your process). If your therapist is competent, then she is qualified to promote your healing, not to handicap it. Your best friend handicapped it with her commentary. Learn your lesson. Others may do the same as this friend has done- so don’t compromise the help you are getting in competent therapy.

    With this friend you are referring to, I would keep things light. If what you share with her is heavy for her, she responds negatively to you. So, either you end the friendship or you keep it light.

    You clearly need support, and understandably so. With your family members occupied with their troubles, they are not available to provide you with the safety that you need to feel strong. This is probably why you relied this heavily on this friend.

    Fortunately, there is no limit of length on your posts here, on this lovely website. Other than keeping your language family-friendly and not spamming, you can write ALL your feelings, as often as you want. And you have me to reply empathetically and respectfully to you. So “What do (you) do?”- share, here.

    And, most important, keep your therapy going.

    anita

    #136215
    sadpeach
    Participant

    Anita, thank you so much. I think everything you said was absolutely spot on. I really appreciate your insight.

    One question, where do I go from here? We haven’t spoken in four days — and we usually talk every day. This is definitely “a fight” for us. Do I reach out first? I feel she does not treat me with the kindness and comfort I do technically deserve, but I also understand why as stated above. Not sure how to reach out, because I feel she has a need for keeping the upper hand, and I don’t appreciate that.

    #136219
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tessa:

    You feel that “she has a need for keeping the upper hand, and (you) don’t appreciate that.”-

    If you reach out to her, as you are considering, you will feel she is having the upper hand, once again. That will make you feel resentment. I don’t think you like to have the… lower hand, to be under another’s upper hand.

    So, no. I wouldn’t reach out to her and take in the thought, come to peace with it, that it is okay if she doesn’t reach out to you.

    Time to remove the “Best” out of the “Best Friend” title… maybe the “Friend” as well.

    anita

    #136551
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Tessa,

    I haven’t read Anita’s responses as I wanted to give my own, so apologise if I repeat anything she has already said.
    First let me say I have been in this same situation with a friend, my sister but more so my Mum.

    What you need to understand is that her projections are about her. When she see’s the realizations you have come too and see’s how powerful and strong that is for you, it brings up insecurity within her. She may consciously or subconsciously think “I wish I was as powerful as her, I wish I had the spark she has, but I haven’t got time, I can’t be bothered, I like being here, being stuck” and that’s ok, that’s her journey and you need to accept and appreciate that. We all go on our own journeys. My Mum hated my ex boyfriend and when I would explain the reasons for his behaviours, not condoning them, but trying to understand why he was doing what he was from a empathetic side, and she would say silly things like “why doesn’t he go and die!” hmmm… but I’ve realised that I can’t tell her or anyone stuff like this – I tell one close friend, but even she has a difference of opinion sometimes to what my therapist has said. So, this is normal for people to do this, don’t feel singled out.
    When you begin to feel more empathy for people, you will realise that everybody is fighting their own battle and when you come out more positive, with answers and acknowledgements, they usually resent that and you – but again, it’s about them, not you.

    Maybe you could speak to your therapist about this aswell?

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