March 27, 2017 at 1:11 pm #142415sadpeachParticipant
My boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me almost a year ago. It has been rough. A tough year has followed, filled with depression and a ton of other issues.
I struggled with the break up for months. We were very, very close. One of the things that brought us together was music. When we had broken up in short periods previous times, we would both listen to a bunch of sad music. The last time we had broken up, he would “like” a bunch of songs with sad titles and lyrics. When we got back together, he admitted it was a way of getting my attention. This continued again when we broke up last year. I would check his music profile every day and see the sad songs he was “liking”. Titles like “Don’t Leave” and “I’m Still In Love with you” etc…
I have a blog that I know he checked, and around 4 months after we broke up I added a secret tracker to find out if he was checking. Turned out there was someone from Boston (where he moved to) checking my blog every day, sometimes up to 3 or 4 times a day. This carried onto around 6 months after the break up. I was obsessively checking his music profile and my blog to see when he was checking. I would post cryptic things on my blog that I knew he would see and I would also “like” sad songs and communicate back with him. We were indirectly communicating and it was very emotionally taxing. At one point I thought I’d be getting a phone call asking to get back together or something.
I realized I was hurting myself and had to let go. At the end of october, I realized I had to stop. I removed the tracker from my blog so I couldn’t even check, and I stopped looking at his music profile since.
I’ve had a lot of issues since then, and have come to realize they’re because I completely cut off grieving and attempted to “let go” back in october. It clearly didn’t work very well. The grief manifested into depression and a lot of other issues.
I’m starting to let myself think about him again, and why I miss him. I’m trying to face my feelings and get down to the bottom of why I’m still in love with him. I just really, truly love him. We had a lot of issues, as most couples do, but I always had a gut feeling about him. I think it was just bad timing for us.
Today I looked at his music profile for the first time in about 5 months. I don’t think he knows I stopped checking it, because I looked through and there was still a lot of sad songs with sad lyrics and sad titles. Of course, not all of them. And of course, I can’t assume that every song is about me — a lot of famous songs are love songs because that’s just what most people sing about — but some are very, very obvious.
It’s been over 11 months. Am I crazy to think that we’re both still in love with each other? My friend suggested reaching out just to ask. And maybe, if he says no, or “denies” me, then maybe I can just work to let go. But I never acknowledged all the songs or the blog checking to him. He doesn’t know that I know (at least about the blog). Maybe if I just put it all out on the table, I can get a clear answer. I know it will hurt very badly if he rejects me, but maybe it can remove some of the mystery and the hopefulness. I’m just afraid it’s going to pour salt on a wound. It could either be cleansing, or it could be very painful and toxic.
He’s reached out a few times. He reached out in December asking for “closure” and to be friends, which I wasn’t ready for because I’m still in love with him. I really struggle with us just being friends/acquaintances/etc because I can’t really handle the fact of him not being in my life in the way I want him to be. I know that’s selfish, but I wanted to marry him. I can’t imagine accepting him into my life as something other than my boyfriend.
What do I do? Should I reach out just to put it all out on the table?March 27, 2017 at 1:35 pm #142423ElisabethParticipant
I would NOT reach out to him. It sounds like you know that the relationship you two had was not healthy. I wish you love and light as you spend some time focusing on yourself. Please give yourself time to heal without him.March 27, 2017 at 1:51 pm #142429CraigParticipant
Tessa, It’s not clear to me why he broke up with you. You’ve been agonizing over whether he wants you or is interested in you for a long time. It seems important to know how you viewed the relationship, what was working and what wasn’t working. And beyond that, if you do fantasize about having a new relationship with him, what what you do differently and what would he do differently? Breakups always happen for a reason, though I happen to think that often they are invitations to grow up, learn, and develop better relationship skills (I apply this to myself).March 28, 2017 at 5:56 am #142519JasonParticipant
I work with people on this issue a lot. Basically, you’re not loving and appreciating enough about yourself. You’ve given all of your power over to your boyfriend and have neglected your own self-worth – your own value. It is possible you are dealing with co-dependency issues. Research Co-Dependency on YouTube and you’ll know pretty quick if you are.
Regardless of whether or not your ex-boyfriend is a narcissist, which I am not assuming nor should you without greater knowledge of what that entails, you’re obsessing indicates a behavioral pattern within yourself that is the issue. You see if you loved yourself properly, and valued who you are and your sense of self-worth then if he moved on you would realize that’s OK after a reasonable grief period. You would realize you are enough regardless of his choices and have an attitude that you will be able to find someone else when you choose to. With all of your focus on what’s done and gone, you’ve lost attention to the present moment. To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle, your primary purpose in life is to recognize your own presence of what you’re doing in the immediate moment at all times.
If you take time to focus upon what you want for yourself in life rather than what you desire from someone else as a means of fulfilling yourself, then you will begin to find value in yourself – worthiness in you. In a world that’s riddled with distractions designed to take our focus and attention away from ourselves, there’s nothing more important than taking time to realize who you are, what you want, what you stand for, and what you’re going to do about all of that; and without expecting someone else to do any of that work for you.
It’s time to do the inner work, Dear. No one else can fill the void in your heart, but you. If you try to expect someone else to fill it you are likely to find yourself in the same mess repeatedly.
Big hugs, and blessings to you!March 28, 2017 at 6:48 am #142539sadpeachParticipant
Jason, wow you hit the nail on the head. I knew that I had some codependent behaviors but I don’t think I knew what the true definition was. I just watched a video and I am absolutely codependent — it has been hard for me recently to figure out what “to think about” — which is why I have been obsessing over losing weight for the past 10 months. That was my “process”, whereas before it was the “breakup” and then before that, it was the relationship. I always need a process, person, or thing to occupy my mind. I had no idea that this is what codependency is.
I was in a relationship starting at 16 years old until I was almost 20 (a very impressionable time) that was VERY codependent and toxic. My boyfriend was older than me and convinced me that love was all encompassing, that you become “one person”, and did not give me a shred of privacy or independence. It was very mentally and emotionally abusive and I had to “escape” — I don’t think I realized how that created codependent patterns in my life. Good thing I’m going to therapy and will be able to work through this.
However, I did “bite the bullet” and I ended up reaching out to my ex. He has yet to answer so we will see what happens. While I think your point is right at the core, I think I also need the peace of mind on a more shallow level. He has posted all these sad songs and given me so many small glimmers of hope and it’s not allowing me to move on. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to know for sure. That way, I can ask him to stop sending me mixed signals and let me move on.