Hi all,
Let me start off by saying that I am one of the most indecisive person on earth in whatever matter there is, and I am a perfectionist, so If something doesn’t go as I suppose it will, I have to analyze every inch of my action or situation to understand the very roots of it. Lastly, I overthink a lot, and it is a problem for me, because it takes me to thoughts that didn’t exist, and takes me to dark places that leads to nothing but worries and failure.
I read an article in here where it says “Self-reflection, rumination, and justification fill my day and keep me up late at night. In order to maintain a sense of self-control and discipline, I dissect every emotion I feel and every action I take, all the while building a psychological narrative for my life.” And this is exactly how I feel when I think of our relationship, I have to question every action I make, why did I do this why do I feel like that, why aren’t I so romantic and lovey dovey like him? Why is it that only him he is positive about us, only him he is sure and confident about us and I am on the other hand depressed, always having the feeling of withdrawal and to walk away to avoid all of my thoughts and avoid my fears. Am I not happy in this relationship????
I am currently in a serious relationship, we’ve been together for around a year now, and I have to say he is an amazing guy, I love him very much, I appreciate him, respect everything about him, he is truly one in a million kind of guy, he is funny, always happy and hyper, always carefree and nothing or no one holds him down. He is someone I look up to, who he inspires me to be the same, he is someone I’d love to live freely and happily just like him, that’s why I enjoy his.
At the beginning of the relationship it was amazing, I was so interested in him I cut the whole world out and focused entirely on him. All my hangouts were about him. I said to myself I would never do anything for anyone, but for him, believe me he is a really good man that you would do anything for him, and I cannot believe myself that I stumbled upon the man of my dreams, he is exactly what I am looking for. And I knew he deserves it, to the extent that I decided this is it, he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and throughout the year he never ever hurt me or did anything wrong, I am very confident of him for many reasons.
It’s been a year we are together, but going back to the beginning of the relationship, Four months in, I started to have the feelings of withdrawal, I wanted to back out, I wanted to be alone (keep in mind that my longest relationships were 3 months long, and that I mainly lived most of my life on my own, did not want anyone to interfere and did everything on my own and I am a bit secretive I don’t tell everyone what I do every day of my life, quite private and lonely kind of life.) I confronted him about it because I thought he should know that I am getting feelings of doubt between me and him and I needed to break up because I wasn’t really feeling it anymore like before, he tried to make me understand that maybe I passed my honey moon phase and that I got used to him and I couldn’t understand myself and ended up judging it as “lost my feelings”. I couldn’t tell if I seriously lost my feelings in a matter of days suddenly I woke up thinking that way or is it because I just passed my honey moon and I misjudged the situation. Him on the other side, he remained romantic and loving, he never crossed the honey moon phase with me at all, (keep in mind that I am the first girl he falls in love with in comparison to previous girls).
We remained together up until now, however, the fear of feeling that way again is stuck in my head ever since that day…. it comes and goes, it doesn’t give me break. I always think to myself omg this feeling is coming back again, why is It still here, why won’t it go away, is it because I don’t love him anymore? Why can’t this stop, I want to go back to how I started with him!!!! I always ask myself these questions, and it hurts me because I really want to be with him, he is the kind of father I want my children to be raised by, he is a beautiful person that I want to keep and not lose, I really want to get rid of my feelings of withdrawal and giving up, and I am trying my best to avoid these thoughts and remain with him and enjoy my time and put the efforts to keep this relationship because I know this person I have been waiting to meet all my life, so why am I ruining it?!
I sometimes feel guilty, that he is so loving and caring, and I am on the other hand thinking of what to do about myself and my thoughts. I cry every other day about this, it hurts me, because I really wanna get rid of it and live in peace with him… happily ever after… I amso occupied with those thoughts that I forgot how to love or express my love to him, and it hurts me so much. Sometimes I just want to run away from all this, break up, and just live in peace and let him live in peace too, but I know I will regret it, I feel deep inside that I love him, he is one of a kind, I won’t give up on him. But am I getting panic attacks and anxiety feelings. Is it because I am repressing this fear or because I am forcing myself to love him? Is it really that I don’t love him or I created this outcome because of my overthinking? Am I falling in and out of love? Am I experiencing the normal stage of a relationship?
Side note, I once dated someone 10 years ago and the same situation happened, I ended up breaking up with him because I always felt on and off with him, I thought that I should always feel inlove with him and never neutral, and I left him for good. But I don’t wana do the same this time too… I was young back then, I am not young anymore!
A lot of people told me that I am going through the average phase of a relationship where both are less interested about each other because they passed honey moon phase, and that you get so used to the person they become like your bestfriend, but love is supposed to grow and not decrease….
I feel so cruel, that I sometimes jump into relationships, feel like I am in control and then suddenly decide to leave the relationship, I feel like I am used to chasing someone rather than someone chasing me, and I know this is wrong. I know that this is the man I need in my life, he treats me like a princess, but I want to treat him like a prince too, I want to give him my all because he deserves it, but there is always this block preventing me from doing this due to my clouded brain of worry, anxiety, and overthinking.
I am so tired of this, that walking away may be the best solution to quit thinking. I also like to mention that he is planning to propose in a year or two later, but what if we ended up getting married? Am I going to stay stuck with these thoughts till the rest of my life?! Am I going to stay doubting my love towards him and remain unsure about him? That’s my biggest fear that I carry all of these thoughts to after marriage, and this is creating a fear of commitment towards him, pushing me to turn down his proposal because of my worries. I don’t wana get married and end up making him live a miserable life of me doubting him and questioning the marriage. I mean, I am obsessed with him, as much as I think of ending things between me and him, I am always crawling back to him and then again crawling away and so on.
I was told that maybe because of the sudden change in my lifestyle has led me to decide to end my relationship with him. I mentioned earlier that I always lived freely, on my own, and responsible for myself. Always had my group of friends and had my own activities and hobbies. Now I have nothing, ever since we started dating I was so consumed by him, and later by my doubtful thoughts, that all I do is work, sleep, eat and repeat. I feel so depressed, anxious, weak, very unhappy, and completely lost my confidence in myself. I used to be powerful strong and outgoing, now I am in my own bubble and in my own thoughts. And it’s devastating, I have the urge to break free by leaving the relationship, but maybe there are better solutions? Will I ever move on from this negative feeling and thoughts? Should I be more positive will it actually help? If someone asks me if I love him, I start thinking of eeeeeeverything and then go like I do but I don’t know I am not sure.

This is too much, sorry, but that is how much I have been thinking for months and months..
i am a very picky person when it comes to choosing a guy, I watch his every move and filter him out. I sometimes worry how can I last with one person for the next 50 years, wouldn’t people fall out of love?