fbpx
Menu

Overthinking is destroying my relationship and myself

Home→Forums→Relationships→Overthinking is destroying my relationship and myself

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)
1 2
  • Author
    Posts
  • September 17, 2016 at 2:43 am #115397
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for writing back, True, my feelings were to myself only and I remember clearly that I always had this thought that I will keep things to myself and people need not to know how I feel, they wouldn’t understand. I would like to mention that I am also very sensitive and take things personally. However, I don’t think I was invisible in the family, my parents were too occupied with problems.

    I am not angry with them at all, I understand where they were coming from, I understand the problems that we went through and I don’t blame them for being occupied. The things we went through is just out of hand.

    I firmly believe I was loved by my mother at least, maybe not dad, but she tried her best to give me the attention I need. Even now my parents mention that I should be more tender hearted and nice, they would love it if I am kind towards them and say nice words and such when they are trying to be loving and caring, but I just refuse and turn away.

    Really bothers me and tears me up when I read the words that I may be angry with my parents, I can’t imagine that I would be angry with them because I do love them at the end of the day, and I know they tried their best to be there for me and provide me with all the things I need in life (I’ve attended the top school and university), even if they failed, at least they know they tried amidst all the bad times. I feel sorry for them and for myself for the things that we had to deal with. Even now my mother passes by my desk she sees me sad she hugs me and holds me cuz she can tell when I am upset and when I am not.

    And about my doubt for my feelings, probably yeah, and I didn’t get the help I needed because I did not open up to begin with.

    I have a strong tension over my chest, because I am considering leaving my boyfriend, I still can’t seem to find the answers to whether I love him or not, and it is killing me. I cannot keep leading him on, the guy wants to marry me and I am worried to marry him and live miserable all my life for still wondering whether I love him or not, I don’t want to repeat history of living miserably like my parents. I am so lost, so lost, maybe I just don’t love him and I am pressured to love him back?

    September 17, 2016 at 2:57 am #115399
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita,

    In addition to my response, I’d like to also mention that I have read Healing Words topic of how to open up, and I kind of relate to what she said in terms of ” I think part of my problem may be genetic or upbringing since my brother is similar to me in that we have little to no friends, do not show affection toward others and have never been in a relationship well into our adulthood. However I am aware that I can one day turn this around if I change. My dad tended to be absent in stages of my life due to work but I would still see him at night. I was described as a happy baby and child, rarely cried always smiled and I guess that was true until I was about 5.”
    But I wasn’t bullied, and I did have good amount of friends but general friendships not deep ones, I always felt left out and alone, not always welcomed, I always had fear of being abandoned, and I always kept things to myself and looked miserable all the time, that is why people used to call me “emo” back in middle and high school. I literally cannot stress how much I fail at showing affection.

    September 17, 2016 at 3:23 am #115400
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sorry for the three posts in a row.

    I was also going through Midnight’s post. The fact that she is married and feels trapped in these thoughts and there’s no way out.

    I mean, I don’t want to get married to him and still remain with these thoughts and remain trapped in them and be unable to walk out of it, this will make me miserable. That is why sometimes I feel it is best I walk away and save him from this drama, and save myself from this guilt.

    Sorry.

    September 17, 2016 at 4:41 am #115403
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    I hope you don’t mind me writing to you even though you addressed Anita, but as you gave me as an example I would like to answer to that.
    I would like you to know that I feel other things as well, not only trapped. Some of them are good things which I am happy about, and which are possible thanks to my husband. Also, I don’t feel trapped all of the time. So it’s not all misery and despair as it might seem to you right now, or to me sometimes.

    I am not saying you should marry your boyfriend, nor am I saying you shouldn’t. I really don’t know and you probably don’t at this time either and that’s ok.
    But I would like to tell you that taking the decision to get married has also brought me some relief from the doubts and the worry, because it is easier to accept this as a given situation, whereas when you’re not married and have these doubts, you know the possibility of a breakup is very present and real and it doesn’t always help to know that. Of course you can always get divorced as well, but it’s different. Marriage is a commitment and that can be scary, but it is also good to commit to something and to someone that way.

    I don’t remember if you mentioned how old you are and whether or not this is your first long relationship?

    To me it is easier now to see my patterns because I am over 30 and have had a few long relationships and also some shorter ones, so I know this always happened to me at some point. But when I was still young and inexperienced it was much more confusing and hard to tell.

    September 17, 2016 at 9:07 am #115409
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    Your distress is tangible to me: I can feel it and I am sorry that you are struggling as yo do. I read your latest posts. I will write to you what I think in a very straight forward way:

    I think you were and are very, very hurt by your parents, and angry but you feel guilty for the anger so you pushed the anger down and refuse to be aware of it. But the anger will not disappear, no matter how hard you try to make it disappear. It is that anger that is fueling your ROCD. It will not allow you to have a healthy relationship until you become aware of it.

    Psychotherapy with a competent therapist as soon as possible, Sarah, before you terminate this relationship, is the answer. If you terminate the relationship, you will feel relief but it will be temporary. Therapy will be difficult but I believe it is necessary.

    Post anytime.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)
1 2

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.