Hey there. I’m from Mexico and I’m 27 years old. I’m writing here because a few weeks ago my boyfriend decided to end our four year relationship. It’s been a tough month and I expected to feel better as days went by, but unfortunately this is not happening. I feel as heartbroken as the first day. I cry almost everyday and I can’t sleep because I have these dreams in which my ex comes back.

Long story short. Our main problem since the beginning was that he was afraid of commitment, he actually broke up with me after our first year anniversary and then came back claiming that I was the love of his life and that he wanted to spend his life with me. But every time we were fine or truly connected the fear came back, and he would say that he didn’t know what he wanted, or if he wanted to marry or have kids. For example, we started rock climbing together and set a big goal to achieve as a team. We climbed together a Big Wall during 2 days and then reached the summit.

I felt extremely happy and in love with him after that but the next week his doubts appeared again. We were at a party and he got really drunk, he was mean with me and when I asked him what was wrong he told me in a very cold way: “I’m going to be brutally honest with you. I think I don’t want to move in with you or marry you or anything.” After his remark I tried to stay cool and asked him if he was then breaking up with me to which he replied “Of course not, who said that? I love you very much. But I just don’t want to spend so much time with you. Perhaps some weekends we shouldn’t see each other”. I got really confused because he was kinda breaking up with me but not definitely. I decided to go home and talk the next day. The next morning we talked and he asked for another chance, he said that he was going to try hard. This happened two times before over the course of the relationship. But this time his doubts were stronger,  perhaps because his brother was getting married a week after that and he always looked up to him.

I decided to give him another chance, but honestly I don’t know why. The truth is I loved him very much and thought he would change for me, that he would commit because I was worth it. After this last episode I went on a family trip for three weeks and the day I returned he broke up with me. His reasons were the same and he added that he was doing it for me, because I deserved better. I accepted the resolution but he was really cold with me, I felt as is I didn’t get a closure from his part. He didn’t even say thanks or anything. So I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and gratitude for the years we spent together. I gave him the letter when we exchanged our things. The truth is I kinda hoped he would write something back, but he didn’t. I feel devastated and I don’t know how to feel better. Right now I have mixed feelings, I don’t want him back but at the same time I just don’t want him to disappear completely (although it might be the healthiest option). I don’t know if I should delete him from Facebook and other social media. Every time I try something on my mind stops me from doing it. Would I look immature if I deleted him?

Yesterday while navigating on my newsfeed I saw pictures of his brother’s wedding and I automatically started crying. I felt angry and sad. I really don’t know how to start all over again. I’m meditating everyday and this week I started going to a psicoanalist. But I don’t feel any progress. I know that all I need is time, but do you guys have any tips to focus on other things that might help? I would really appreciate your advice.