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Paralysis and feeling stuck

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  • August 13, 2016 at 3:41 pm #112285
    Mel
    Participant

    Hi All

    I hope some of you can relate to what I am about to say and offer some advice?

    In a nutshell, I’m 29 yr old female, recently broken up with my bf of 4 years (which was v emotionally draining) and have moved back in with my parents due to the obscene British housing market. Am cut off from all my friends and have just left a really bad job (which was attributing to my anxiety/depression – no longevity/boss was a bully and the set up was horrendous – it was the right decision). I now feel empty, numb and lost in life having poured my heart and soul into the relationship (not only for love but due to his dad passing away and he became ill coping with the grief). I guess its grieving and heart break.

    For the past 8 months I have been trying to change everything for the better knowing I was not happy in my relationship despite the hard times, work, location and lack of social life. I took a bold and brave move to change things to find some true happiness within myself as I was so unhappy, which was I think the right thing to do.

    In the midst of this transition I applied to become a teacher and got offered a place for a PGCE at Cambridge. Whilst this would open many doors for me and get my self esteem back up, I am really not sure if its what I want to do (and if I can survive on the starting salary at my age on my own). I applied as my current role was dead end and I felt like I wanted a “proper” job and have always regretted I didn’t train as something. Essentially I’ve got a lot to give but not sure if I can cope with the demands given how I’m feeling right now and even if I want to be a teacher. I just don’t feel good enough. My self esteem has taken a huge knock from the breakdown of the relationship and it got ground down by my former boss.

    I have driven myself crazy for about 6 months trying to work out if I take it (and stay in Cambridge) or move to London and pursue a role in a tech company. I always wanted to move to London or a city and didn’t back when all my friends did after graduating due to various reasons, but now I feel like its my chance and to be with my friends and build further relationships.

    I’m also concerned about my financial security, future, family, relationship, life….feeling hopeless and like I have no purpose and that I’m becoming a burden on everyone. I’m eating well, meditating and trying to exercise when I can, but the anxiety is so paralysing I can’t even book a holiday (which I desperately need a break from all the stress)> The loneliness is crippling too. I used to be so social and happy go lucky and now feel like a shell I just can’t fill up. I’m trying to be social, get out and meet people but I just feel such a failure inside that I’m not attracting the right company and seem pathetic. Struggling also with everyone I know in relationships, getting married, buying houses, starting families etc – I have naturally always gone against the grain and know things happen at the right time for you personally, but I’m starting to feel like these things will never be in my lifetime.

    I feel like I’ve got a barrier in the way. A mental block. I just can’t seem to do things but deep down feel intense frustration – it’s like I’m fighting with myself, screaming to get out of my body but I’m trapped. I’m highly detached from reality too and feel like I’m in a dream the whole time. Does that strike a chord with anyone?

    Thanks and apologies for the lengthy message.
    x

    August 14, 2016 at 9:12 am #112315
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear picasso99:

    Yes, it strikes a chord. For one, I very much remember how I felt … too old at 29. I started a teaching job at the time and was very bothered that at 28 (a year younger than you then) I was only a beginning teacher while other teachers were younger than me as beginners. I used to compare myself to others my age: those who were earning more money (having started earlier to climb up the salary scale), those driving expensive cars, owning their homes… while I felt like a failure. It was tough!

    I think you are experiencing excessive ongoing fear (anxiety) and that paralyses you, keeps you stuck (the title of your thread). An automatic response to anxiety is the experiencing life as “highly detached from reality too and feel like I’m in a dream the whole time”- this is dissociation, separation from reality best your brain an muster so to not be scared.

    Seems to me that living with your parents is a bad idea, that moving out will be a good idea, once you figure the finances. It is inexpensive to live with your parents money wise, but the mental consequence to you is dissociation, paralysis and being stuck.

    When you compare yourself to peers/ others, if you have to compare, don’t forget those people who are not doing as good as you. There are plenty. When we are down on ourselves we don’t see the people who aren’t doing well and we think … everyone else is happy. Not so.

    anita

    August 14, 2016 at 12:10 pm #112325
    Mel
    Participant

    Thanks for your response Anita. I couldn’t agree more. Have you continued with teaching? If so, do you feel you have got “over” the feelings I am experiencing at this stage – i.e. will things get better? I am also definitely experiencing the pre-30’s/quarter life crisis of my generation, wishing I had done more/really anxious about the future. I’m usually such a positive person, but my relationship breakdown and stress of my previous job and lack of friendships have what feels like broken me mentally, everyday is a case of convincing myself things will get better, with positive mantras etc and forcing myself to keep busy – but this is turn is just a distraction from the huge decision I have to make.

    I know that once I move out I will feel better, in fact I know that once I make a decision whether to proceed with the teaching training or not I will feel better and that I am moving forward – its this huge life changing decision that is stopping me doing anything.

    There are equal positives and negatives to both options – I keep thinking just go with your heart/gut, but even that seemed muted at the moment and will I regret not taking up this big opportunity.

    I guess what I’m after is practical advice, something to propel me forward and help me come to a decision and put the past behind me.

    Thanks

    August 14, 2016 at 8:53 pm #112353
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear picasso99:

    I will need to reply tomorrow, in ten hours or so. I need to refresh my brain about the dilemma you are having.

    anita

    August 15, 2016 at 12:17 pm #112412
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear picasso99:

    As to your question, My full time teaching job lasted two years and I didn’t go back t full time teaching since. There were different factors contributing to the ending of the job. I was … like you in that I was overwhelmed.

    I say like you because the weight of the future overwhelms you, and your position, living with your parents, obscene housing market, being unemployed and without a social life- that makes the future seem very heavy, a lot to handle.

    This is why it is important to… simplify things:

    You need to move out of your parents’ house. You need to be able to support yourself financially. You need friends. You don’t know if you want to teach and the position in Cambridge- that is a training position that makes sense to take IF you intend to have a future teaching career, correct?

    Then I’d say, move to London. Work for the tech company you mentioned. And do this as soon as possible. Don’t think much further into the future.

    You need to move out of where you are- move to London.
    You need to support yourself financially- work for the tech company in London.
    You need friends- you mentioned you have friends in London.

    London then?

    anita

    August 16, 2016 at 1:58 pm #112512
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hiya .

    I think you are suffering as the result of the end of relationship , it’s a big change . What I hear from your post is choices , that is good . You aren’t directionless . You can start again . I’d definitely do a pgcse if I didn’t have my chronic health issues .

    August 27, 2016 at 12:08 am #113395
    Mel
    Participant

    Thanks Kat – yes it is a big change and I can’t help feeling I’ve failed and keep failing in everything I try – however, at least I try that is the main thing. I am not someone to sit back and let things happen. Although now I feel like I am & powerless because I can’t make a decision in moving forward. I have a week until my placement starts and am really unsure – partly due to financial reasons. But if I don’t take it I am then just waiting until I can find a job no matter how hard I’m trying.

    My other concern is if I don’t take the place and I end up in just another dead end job, am I missing out on better opportunity with the teaching with regards skills it can give me etc?

    I’m not expecting life to be perfect, I’m just fed up of feeling like this!

    August 28, 2016 at 4:24 am #113495
    VJ
    Participant

    Hey @Mel,

    I have gone through all your posts on this page…
    Since it is now just the feeling part that you would like to be healed, when you are saying “I’m just fed up of feeling like this!”, can you summarize what is bothering you now?

    1) Browse the below link
    http://www.bachflower.com/bach-flower-remedy-questionnaire/

    2) Reply back with the name of the remedy/ies (in bold on the above link). And also post your issue(s) underneath it.

    For Example:

    Chestnut Bud-
    -I don’t learn from my experience
    -I keep repeating the same patterns

    If you are keen on using Bach flower remedies I may be able to help you with that depending on the issues you post.

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