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Past broken engagement is affecting my current one

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  • May 28, 2018 at 9:23 pm #209853
    dreaming715
    Participant

    So my boyfriend of two years and I are not engaged yet… but we’re starting to take steps toward a proposal. I’m a 29-year-old female and about 4 years ago I was engaged to a different person. We were in the middle of planning our wedding when he blind-sided me with a break-up and needless to say I was heartbroken, devastated, had to find a new apartment… you get the picture.

    My current boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married sometime in the near future (I actually bring this up to him a lot. I love him a lot and want to get married to him). I’m honestly really afraid though. Afraid of being blind-sided, afraid this experience will be stressful and he won’t enjoy it and he’ll withdraw (like my ex), etc…

    What steps can I take to be vulnerable again? How do I blindly trust him after experiencing betrayal that made me question how I literally view relationships forever? My ex of 5 years told me he loved me, I believed it, he acted like he did… how did I miss the red flags? Now I feel like I constantly look for red flags with my current boyfriend (and haven’t found any yet).

    I would love someone’s advice on this. If we’re going to get engaged I was it to be happy- not riddled with anxiety and uneasiness for both of us.

    May 29, 2018 at 2:12 am #209857
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    You wrote: “How do I blindly trust him after experiencing betrayal..?”- I don’t think it is possible to blindly trust after experiencing betrayal. This is why you “constantly look for red flags with (your) current boyfriend”.

    Following betrayal, I think that trusting another person should be a long-term prospect, learning who the person is over time, whether the person is trustworthy or not.

    Regarding your ex boyfriend, you wrote: “how did I miss the red flags?” – in your June 2017 thread, you wrote about that relationship that it lasted five years, 2009-2014. You lived with him for four out of the five years. During the last year of the relationship you were engaged and planning a wedding, including putting down a deposit on a venue and you purchasing a wedding dress. And then “we were going through a stressful time (mostly financial and health issues), but I was blind-sided when he said he didn’t want to get married anymore and wanted to leave”.

    Maybe the red flag you missed was that the financial and health issues at the time required more communication with your then boyfriend, more attention to the situation, so that the two of you worked together on resolving the situation practically and emotionally.

    Currently with your boyfriend, if and when a stressful situation arises (and otherwise), see to it that the two of you help each other, tackle the situation, the challenge as a team of two.

    anita

    June 4, 2018 at 8:18 am #210663
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for the advice. It was helpful to look at trust in this way. I want to practice/focus on this part: “Currently with your boyfriend, if and when a stressful situation arises (and otherwise), see to it that the two of you help each other, tackle the situation, the challenge as a team of two.”

    June 4, 2018 at 8:20 am #210669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are very welcome, dreaming715. Looking forward to reading from you again.

    anita

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