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perfectionism and breakdown

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • December 19, 2013 at 5:20 am #47006
    buddha1
    Participant

    i am sorry if i am writing under wrong forum title.

    My story and my problem:
    my perfectionism craze started after my tenth class.i had got 95% in tenth without so much of perfection.i thought if i were more perfect i would have got more marks.so i tried to be perfect in ways which degraded my self respect. i have heard stories with moral values like how one should treat others,should not wrong people in any ways,how to respect teachers.i gave more respect for others’ convenience,others’ opinion more than mine.people easily mistreated me knowing that i wont hurt them in any way.then i started stuffing new constraints like whenever i hear anyone complaining about how students fail due to diversions,distraction due to tv or gossiping or some other pleasure, i stopped myself from doing all these in their tiniest form also.in my opinion it was sin to enjoy.i thought that only studying for my exam should make me happy and nothing else.i implemented it too.after all this, i didnt get good marks in the exam because i expected too much from myself.it was either 1 or 0 with me.either i would do very well or i would be in depression due to a single mistake. after that exam i broke down.unknowingly,i developed a very huge liking for all the pleasures like watching TV,reading books,eating sweets.now i am doing my b.tech.here too same thing got repeated. i can read for my exams ten days before with full concentration but before the exam day i might start reading uncompleted novels.let whatever might be at stake i cant stop reading an unfinished novel or unfinished movie.even if i know that i have high sugar i cant stop myself from eating chocolates.if i try to stop i feel restless and wont do anything properly till i do what i wanted to do.i am scared of this behavior of me.can anyone tell me how to deal with this? to a reader it may seem to be a silly problem but i want help desperately

    December 19, 2013 at 7:27 am #47010
    Matt
    Participant

    Nandita,

    Your problem doesn’t sound silly, it sounds like a common issue. Perhaps what you’re experiencing is difficulty with balance, which happens to a lot of us. Consider, for instance, a person lifting weights. They do many repetitions, then their muscles become exhausted and they can’t continue. That’s normal, muscles get tired. The brain is the same. We can study hard, but then need to relax, unwind. We can push ourselves to be great, but then need to accept our mistakes. As we get better at finding our balance, the need to be perfect drops away, because we are happy with our actions, our efforts. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    It seems you have two layers happening at once. First, there is the fear of making mistakes, of having no value, of being worthless. Its a pretty common fear, as we all wish to do well and be valued. It sounds like this fear layer pushes you into a second layer, which is avoidance/craving. For instance, the TV is a potential distraction, so you have to avoid it at all costs. Until, that is, your will becomes tired and you over indulge and watch TV a lot. With sweets, perhaps you don’t take the time to do nice things for your body, such as soft music, laughter, playing… until you get tired, and then you eat sweets obsessively to make up for it. These are normal, dear sister, and the solution is really not that difficult once you can see it.

    The key is balance. Study, but take breaks. Watch TV, but in moderate amounts. Spend time pushing yourself hard, then spend time relaxing. Its actually much better for you. Said differently, instead of obsessing about grades/sweets/TV/mistakes you can be patient with yourself and figure out what is happening. Do you need some food? Do you need to study, or do you need a break? If you made a mistake, what can you learn from it? As the compulsive aspects soften, it becomes much easier to act from a place of heartfelt desire, rather than listening to the whip bearing critic who demands you do this and that.

    Namaste, may you find your balance.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    December 20, 2013 at 1:11 am #47169
    Rishi Pathak
    Participant

    Dear Nandita..Your story seems to be same as of mine.. Though outcomes were little different. I realized that something was wrong in my mind and I chose to improve it and believe me I have improved a lot. Let me suggest you some simple solutions to let go of your perfectionist attitude:

    1. First of all, Join some mindfullness meditation or any meditation centre. Though I have never joined one and have learnt from online videos.

    2. When you go to bed, feed yourself with positive thoughts , visualize yourself the way you want to see yourself and your life. Visualize that you are the way you want to see yourself in the present moment. Your mind may harass you,torture you , make you feel guilty or a liar. just let it be and keep thinking positive.Slowly you will start believin in them.

    3. Engage yourself in creative works. Believe me this is the best way of restoring your confidence.

    4. Try to focus on the silence of your mind whenever you get time.

    5. I would recommend you to read ‘The Power of now’ by Eckhart Tolle.

    6. See the beauty within and in your surroundings.

    7. When your mind invalidates your actions , try to find the positives in your actions and realize that there is a reason and purpose for what you are doing.

    8. Make yourself realize that it is perfect to be ‘imperfect’. Enjoy your imperfections.

    9. Focus on and Enjoy your positivities and they will increase.

    10. Accept and enjoy your negative thoughts and your negative feelings with full grace and they will vanish.

    December 20, 2013 at 3:24 am #47173
    buddha1
    Participant

    thanks a lot for your concern..i will follow your advice
    Now i am able to forgive myself for my mistakes. But the problem now is things which i like are becoming my craze. if i start reading a novel even if someone’s life is in danger my mind wont let me stop reading.after sometime i will become serious and do my work and again sometime later i would want to read the book. Generally i would become reckless while reading novels or watching movies.The solution i found for this is to keep away from books or TV. if i start reading i cannot stop it. if i stop i will feel somewhat sad or restless so i used to think that the better thing to do is to, finish reading whatever i wanted to read faster, so that i can start my next work sooner.
    i do want to enjoy a little but it should be under my control.

    December 20, 2013 at 9:47 am #47183
    Rishi Pathak
    Participant

    Well Nandita I think you are trying to prove something to yourself that’s why you are trying too hard.. You are feeling like lacking something inside and just to prove yourself and satisfy your mind you are acting this way. You are trying to escape from your negatives , your thoughts or let me say precisely you are trying to escape from yourself. We can escape from everything but ourselves. So just stop escaping from yourself and love yourself, accept yourself. Mindfulness and feeding yourself with positive thoughts will let you do this.It is not the books and novels you should avoid.Read them and enjoy them. You dont need to prove anything to your mind or anybody. Just try to enjoy things. It will be difficult initally but later you will be used to. Refuse to believe your negative thoughts.

    December 20, 2013 at 11:19 pm #47263
    buddha1
    Participant

    i was doing things to prove to my mind.i had felt that i lacked something inside and had done things to prove my worthiness to my mind.it has happened before but not now. i have been thinking over why my actions are very sensitive to my mind i.e if i didn’t do something properly my mind will think that i am not worthy enough to do the next thing also properly. i have to prove my worthiness to my mind to be allowed to do my next work well. this had happened to me in my last 2 years in school. but i have changed now. my actions became a little independent of my mind. i am also able to convince my mind to forgive my mistakes.
    But my craziness for reading is not related to this. I think I understood the reason now. I am a slave to my mind. I do exactly whatever it wants me to do.at first my mind was strong enough to avoid things which it liked(my last 2 years at school) but after sometime it became tired like Matt explained and my mind is overindulging in things which it likes most. i should not let this continue because it is not correct to overindulge. i am not performing well in exams because i didnt study for it the previous day.all these happen because i am driven by my mind.i allowed it before because i wanted to take correct decisions,do and achieve things the way they should be done and achieved. but the purpose wont be served if i continue to do whatever my mind tells me to do. so i think the solution could be either my actions have to depend less on my mind or my mind has to be restored so that it will ask me to do reasonable things. can meditation help me restore the strength to my mind?
    But i don’t know whether what i am doing is correct. is it okay to be driven fully by mind? i think that people around me wont think so much but they sustain. knowing what is correct thing to do at correct time is not useful for me. i think always of long-term effects of one thing but i would forget about short-term effects of others. generally i wont be able to follow others advice (even doctor’s advice). i would have some reason for not doing whatever he asks me to do. i will be close to perfect in one of my works but zero in my others.i have one more problem -change.if i have to change anything i have to do it consciously..whatever i was 4 years back i am now also i.e technology-wise,look-wise,habit-wise.. is that called life? life is about living and changing. why is it so difficult to change for me? is it because i take every step with so much caution that i forget to be carried away by my friends.. copy from them..do what the world does..i don’t like the word copy so i generally wont do anything which others do. the result is that i am not in any social networking site, still with a first model mobile phone..have not experienced any technology .. but i do like knowing new technology..all these because people around me have it. i thought it will be like copying if i too have them. wont the world be simple if i think less? but what will happen if i go in wrong direction? so the ideal condition should be that people around me should be decent so that i can allow myself to be influenced by them.. i should know to differentiate between good and bad without thinking too much.. then i can follow the advice of my parents,well-wishers..the problem with my mind is that it would just say that it is not right for me to create an account in Facebook or twitter. is that correct? should we check and wait for correct place and time for every thing? may be yes. but my mind cannot take everything into account while making a decision..there may be many angles in which mind has to see.. my mind didn’t see that the world is running towards technology..this is fashion these days.. you will be left behind if you don’t follow the world..but this sounds like threats to me.. but in life we should not do things out of fear to be left behind.. life should be joyous.. so if i think less,be influenced,follow advice of my well-wishers, praying god that i can find the difference between good and bad,restoring my mind’s strength so that it doesn’t feel sorry to stop reading a book, my actions not driven so much by my mind, will i be able to live happily and achieve something..?will that put an end to my problems..?

    December 21, 2013 at 2:26 am #47268
    Rishi Pathak
    Participant

    Dear Nandita, Let me give a insight into your own thoughts. Let us take the example of technology. When you wish to buy some smartphone, your ego tortures you that you are doing this because you are copying others. You feel tortured by this and let down by this. In order to prove your ego wrong you choose not to buy. When you choose not to buy, still your mind tortures you that you remain left behind while others move forward.

    The same situation,let us see how a +ve person will react to this. He sees his friends buying smartphones, He thinks “Oh I also want to buy a smartphone”,He chooses one and goes on with his decision to buy one. Dont you think it is okay to copy??.Everyone does it one way or another. If Nelson Mandela would not have copied Mahatma Gandhi how would he have eliminated Apartheid in Africa. So start changing your perspective of seeing things and see them in +ve light.

    The worst part of perfectionism is that one way or the other it is going to torture you. There are two parts of this : 1.Your mind tortures you 2. You let yourself tortured by this.

    To deal with such situations:

    1. Do some positive mental self talking.
    2. Think if you were a +ve person how would you deal with the same situation.
    3. Start trying to see things in positive light.
    4. When your ego tortures you, talk to it, support yourself and tell yourself why it is ok to buy a new technology.
    5. Dont you think that a desperation for something ,when looked at +vely becomes ambition; A confusion gives us the power to analyse things objectively,A fear when channelized gives you courage . So realize that your -vities when looked at +vely become your +tivities. So everything in you is +ve one way or other way, so accept your -veties gracefully.
    6. Realize that everything has a +ve as well as -ve side to it . So if you feel you are doing something wrong in one way, aren’t you doing it right another way.So realize that you are doing the right one way or the other. So just identify what you wish to do , and just go for it.

    December 21, 2013 at 10:19 pm #47342
    buddha1
    Participant

    thanks.. i will follow your advice..i will try to be more positive..

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