Hello everyone,
Please bear with me as this is my very first blog post and my first time ever seeking public help in regards to this.

Be relieved to know that I have been out of an abusive relationship both physically and emotionally as of 3 months ago. What I am having extremely difficulty with is coping with this aftermath. I was “stuck” for a total of 4 years and I swear I knew subconsciously the whole time that this was so, so wrong. But part of me just dismissed the red flags that stood out at the very beginning. Having struggled with anxiety and depression previously, I have a feeling this was to do with not wanting to be alone either.

A bit about my background before I proceed with some details of the relationship: I grew up in an abusive household to begin with. My parents are from Vietnam and their way of discipline differs greatly from Canadian culture. I basically grew up in an awfully abusive environment,an extreme amount of negative reinforcement directed the majority of the time at me, the scapegoat of 3 other siblings. This was mostly my mom’s doing, I have never understood why, but my father also never really stood up against it, he was just there..

The Relationship with X:
I was 18 and he was 19 at the time. We met on Halloween and started dating basically right away. We went through a honeymoon phase and decided to move in together 3 months into the relationship. Keep in mind I was already living on my own at this point, so part of it for me was the financial saving piece but not a crucial part of it. We rented this house with a few room mates and the first red flag I dismissed was when he first lied to me about drug use. He was into cocaine, and he had numerous friends that I was not comfortable having around. Being at that age I chose to believe him when he said he would quit. Fast forward to my birthday in February, second big flag, we somehow got into a fight to the point where he slammed doors and was yelling quite loudly. This actually led our room mates to be afraid for their safety and because of him we had to cancel the lease to the house we were renting out..

Actually, I think I’m going to stop with this story line sense as this blog post will be way too long for its own good. I’m going to make out a list of the stuff I went through with X, bad and good :

The bad:
1) Drug Use, cocaine, excessive MJ, who knows what else to be honest
2) Emotional Abuse: Name calling, Blame , Yelling, ( He is 6’1 200 + lbs I am 5’0 120lbs)
3) Physical Abuse: Breaking things, choking me, hitting me
4) Almost transferred me Herpes after lying about sleeping with another woman just so he could have unprotected sex with me
5) Internet history , cell phone records and online memberships of dating websites and escort memberships while together with me.
6) Left me stranded in another city at night without a phone, because I video taped our argument where he hit me secretly

These are the ones that I can think of at the moment. I know it’s just a list and it’s our of context but I hope it makes sense. X also liked to state that I disrespect him a lot. He made me choose between him and my friends before. He would get overly possessive and get mad if I even talked to a male that was married. Every time I would need to vocalise how I felt about something it would somehow be turned around into an issue he had with me.. but it just made sense the way he put it…

It’s not to say that there were no good times.I am just extremely confused right now. He claimed to love me oh so much. It felt so real, we had a great connection and could talk for hours about nothing. We opened up to each other about everything we were seriously such best friends. I got along with his family great, we all got together every week. I just don’t understand. We lived together for so long and I am still in denial even with all the proof of all the other women he would be trying to talk to even PAY for while being so “perfect” with me … we talked about marriage and kids and his parents were hoping for that too.

I think I’m brainwashed. I should have left the first time he ever hit me. Even police involvement and the courts couldn’t stop us from being together. I am shocked, appalled and so confused and stressed out. I can assure everyone that I do NOT want to go back. I’m sorry I left out so many details that would help you understand more where I am coming from but, the thing is, HE left me. ..

I am upset because I feel like he just, walked away guilt free. I never charged him with any assault because he threatened my family. His friends and family have absolutely no idea that any of this was happening. I don’t even know what they think of me now, I’m sure he has fed them some story about how I am ridiculous and crazy for acting the way I have. I was an absolute mess when he left. I’m afraid he is going to manipulate me back into the relationship somehow..

Apologies this is quite long. But I am SO confused. If he never left me, I probably would have stayed. But I KNOW i do NOT want BACK. But am having SUCH a difficult time coping. Any words of wisdom will help. I feel so alone, and to be quite frank, stupid.