Home→Forums→Relationships→Please help me break this pattern once and for all…
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April 5, 2016 at 2:36 pm #100955
dreaming715ParticipantI was in a 5 and a half year long relationship. Approximately 1 year after it ended I decided I wanted to try dating again. Due to working from home and most of my friends being in serious relationships, I was suggested to try online dating to meet more single men. I’ve been on dates with FIFTEEN different men since my last long term relationship and the experiences have been a mixture of heart-breaking, confusing, and discouraging.
For example, the last guy I dated is my age, handsome, passionate about his career, well-traveled, and open-minded. I was interested in getting to know him better. He came on very strong saying things like, “I feel really good about where things could go for us!” “Is it weird to say that I already really like you?” “You’re so beautiful.” “I’m not currently seeing anyone else.” “Of course I’m really interested in you! That’s why I’m always talking to you!”
This all sounds promising, right? Well, we went on two dates and I wanted to let my guard down a little so we ended up at his place to watch a movie two nights ago. We started doing physically intimate things (but did not have sex). Everything seemed great and he told me to text him to let him know I made it home safe. I did and he texted me back saying he had a good time.
And now the EXTREMELY familiar pattern emerges: Complete SILENCE. Haven’t heard from him at all. (Note: Nothing unusual happened the night we were physical. It all seemed enjoyable, not awkward, not forced, etc…).
So are the majority of men just master manipulators at getting a girl to trust them, get them into bed, and then leave? This seems to be the THEME of dating when you’re in your late 20’s and early 30’s.Every time I let my guard down and start to actually let myself enjoy the progression of liking someone… they leave! Right after they were just telling me the week before how much they were starting to like me. I’m so confused. I’ve read three dating books in the past several months and I can’t figure out how to break this pattern. I always end up feeling physically used and deceived.
April 5, 2016 at 3:24 pm #100956
AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
In Feeling Resentful Toward Men, your last thread and in this thread you expressed your great frustration with men not following through with what they tell you. They reach out to you and then… silence.
In your previous thread, on 3/21 you asked a person who replied to you the following:
“Can you please share a little bit about your story with me? What brought you to the ‘men can’t feel love conclusion?’ What’s different about your soulmate? Did you know right away? I’d love to hear an inspiring and hopeful story.”
The next day, that person replied to you with her story. She told you her story humbly and thoughtfully and expressed nothing but kindness to you. That was on 3/22, two weeks ago.
But you didn’t reply to her. You started this new thread without replying to her on the old thread. You did not follow through with your request of her. Following through would have been thanking her for fulfilling what you requested of her. You asked her a question, and then: silence.
So you see, women also can not follow through. When we criticize another, best we look at ourselves as well: do we do what we disapprove in another?
This kind of self examination helps in better understanding of self and of others. What do you think?
anita
April 5, 2016 at 3:40 pm #100960dreaming715ParticipantAnita,
You’re telling me how you think I should be utilizing this open, public forum. Of course I’m appreciative of the thoughtful, well-written story that Vesper told me. I goes days and weeks without logging on to this website sometimes because of obligations I have outside of the online world.
In that thread I personally thanked and addressed my responses to you, Dazz, Vesper, and Inky on 3/21 (the same day I created the thread). So it’s not that I don’t ever reply with my gratitude! How do you know I wouldn’t have re-visited that thread and done the same later today? Or even tomorrow? You don’t know that. Please refrain from micro-analyzing and telling me how you think I should use this public forum.
Thank you,
Dreaming
April 5, 2016 at 3:55 pm #100963AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
I hesitated of course about the post I wrote to you a few moments ago, but wrote it anyway because the point I was making, I believe, is valid. My intent was not to judge you, to criticize you. Not at all. I suggested to you what I suggest to myself and it is helpful to me.
Maybe later, you can re-read that post and consider it and get back to me. If not, I will refrain from responding to you simply because I was not helpful here. My intent is not to add to your distress but to help. If I failed here, then I regret that I did.
anita
April 5, 2016 at 5:19 pm #100971
sandstormParticipanthey dreaming since you are using dating app you should make your point very clear that i am looking for long term relationship if you are not up for that please don’t waste my time and yours . I also used dating app many girls deceived me too .but i never blamed all the women on the earth . yes toll of dating app is heavy the moment people find better they just go for new one . since people don’t know each other and they less care about time and emotion invested . so in dating apps are fast food of relationship .but they don’t understand the fact that its relationship it require whole lot of efforts its not an job application where you get more salary you just hop on . it depends on what actually you want out of it . keep patience keep looking if tired give it break than try again . try change if u did some mistake from previous one . and hope for best.
April 8, 2016 at 7:55 am #101280dreaming715ParticipantAnita: You asked: “So you see, women also can not follow through. When we criticize another, best we look at ourselves as well: do we do what we disapprove in another?” In regard to dating, I always follow through. I don’t give men false hope, say grandiose things, and then disappear. So while I appreciate your effort to help me self-reflect, your question doesn’t pertain to how I behave with others while dating. If I’m not interested in someone but they’re still interested in me, I make my intentions to not move forward in a clear, but direct and kind way.
Sandstorm: I do make an effort to make my intentions clear that I’m not looking for a casual relationship or hook-up. Thank you for taking the time to write back to me and for the reminder that online dating does time and patience.
April 8, 2016 at 8:20 am #101285AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
Well, if you’d like, let’s look at the grandiose things men said before disappearing, quotes from your original post on this thread (Following *s, i will suggest what you could tell the man assuming the man is manipulative):
1. “I feel really good about where things could go for us!” I don’t like this statement, because “I feel really good” would be enough. “where things could go for us” sound manipulative, designed to create hope in you. It is almost A Line in early interactions used often, I think, it sounds so familiar…
* I would ask him right there and then: Where do you thing things could go for us? Listen to the answer. (Don’t feel sorry for him if he stumbles with his words and feels embarrassed, caught in his own trap)
2. “Is it weird to say that I already really like you?” – “weird to say”- so he already knows it is weird to “really like” someone so soon. Hmmm…
* I would ask him right there and then: Why is it weird to you? (re-direct his answer as he stumbles with his words)
3. “You’re so beautiful.” He means physically? Too early to make that judgment call regarding inner beauty, unless he is talking about everyone being beautiful deep inside and not talking specifically about you.
* i would ask: What beauty do you see in me? Listen carefully to the answer…
4. “I’m not currently seeing anyone else.” If he says it on the first date, and using “anyone Else” it sounds like he is already seeing you, already dating you. If you met him through an online dating site, does this mean he is not communicating with other women through his dating profile? Or he decided not to meet the women he communicates with online and decided to make an exception for you..?
* I would ask him: Did you delete your dating profile (on the site) since we communicated? (No)-
Am I the only woman you communicate with on the site?
Are you not meeting other women from the site?So, Critical listening skills and asking questions can solve this problem.
What do you think?
anita
April 8, 2016 at 7:16 pm #101333dreaming715ParticipantAnita: Your response was exactly what I needed! Honestly, it was very helpful to break each statement down. It helps me feel like if I do more critical thinking then I can choose: Is this someone I really want to spend my time and energy on? It helps me feel like I have more control over my future because I can ultimately make the decision.
And I like that you worded things in an empowering way. People CAN be manipulative for their own wants. This will help me. “You can’t control a relationship, but you can choose if you want to participate in it.”
April 8, 2016 at 7:27 pm #101335AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
I am glad you found this helpful. Anytime you want me to break a statement, post it here and I will. Or you can post it, break it yourself, and post it: I will be glad to give you my input.
Develop this critical listening skill, ask questions, and as far as relationships go, no more guessing. You will be the one on top: the one knowing what is going on!
anita
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