Potential on/off relationship ending

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 11 years ago by Anonymous.

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April 9, 2013 at 7:32 am #32487

mad
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Hi. I had been dating a girl on and off for roughly 9 months and now that it looks as though it is ‘off’ for good this time I am starting to have the similar regrets and guilt as have experienced in several relationships before this one. I keep telling myself (and my friends do) that why was the relationship ever ‘off’ in the first place, if it’s right it should always be ‘on’. I have never been in a relationship like it before, I have had ones that have fizzled out and turned into friends with benefits but we reconciled so many times in this one that it is making me believe that we actually had something special. We had SO many quirks and in jokes, loved each other’s company and our sex life was beyond amazing. I must also admit that some periods of our relationship were the lowest and most stressful parts of my life. It would take me about a week to write all of the madness down of our relationship. From an onlooker it looks crazy that we ever lasted so long but now that she is potentially gone I am starting to think that it is me that has the problem with commitment and the fact I didnt think she was good enough for me, when in fact she’s a stronger and probably better person than I am. Im just really really confused at the moment and all over the place inside. One minute i think it is right and to move on but the next I am just wishing that I see her again and I can sort my problems out. The last time we were together we discussed our situation in a very adult manner and decided to have no contact for no determinable time, but I must admit I have text her, nothing crazy, just asking how she is etc and the possibility of us working, but alas I have had no response. Im very scared of letting her go (although she may already be gone), scared of reconciling and it going wrong again,. scared that I have commitment issues….the list goes on. I just really need some advice. I think I want her back but I dont want to hurt her anymore. Any help would be great.

April 10, 2013 at 9:38 am #33379
Phil
Participant
Hi Ad –

I’m about a little over 6 months removed from the woman I thought I was going to marry. We have only talked once in that time, and she has since moved hundreds of miles away.

Let me start off by saying I’m sorry you’re going through this and understand the pain you’re going through and am with you.

Some time of no contact is the best advice you could have ever gotten. This allows you to see what you did wrong, as well as what she did wrong. You’ll be able to emotionally remove yourself from the situation to see why you shouldn’t be together. This is the perfect time to also work on those issues you mentioned. You can start reading about them, or seeing a therapist and discussing them.

I suggest you stop contacting her as any sort of contact would more than likely push her further away. You need to show you both respect each other’s decisions to not talk.

Now, the only thing you can do is let go. As I mentioned before, not letting go will push her further away. If after time (6+ months or stay no contact until she gets a hold of you if she was the one who ended it) you think you still want to be with her, reach out and see how it goes, but if she is not interested let it go for good. Luckily if this happens you’ll be emotionally detached and have worked out a lot of the issues within yourself, so it won’t be as much of a loss and you’ve already taken a lot of steps to heal.

Stay strong and start treating yourself as if you are you own significant other.
- This reply was modified 11 years ago by Phil.
April 19, 2013 at 11:37 am #34056

Karisa
Participant

I know exactly how your feeling. I was in a 3 year relationship (lost my virginity to him) that seemed like it was the one. We talked about marriage and the whole shabang. But just like you mentioned the highs were incredibly high, but the lows were some of the worst feelings I’ve ever had in my life. We kept going back and forth about breaking up but it never seemed to stick until one day he ended things for good.

I was devastated. He wanted no contact and actually had a new girlfriend a few weeks later. While we had little contact here and there for the most part it seemed like he moved on.

I vowed to change the things that I knew I should have been working on our whole relationship and actually got back into practicing Buddhism. 4 long months later I get a desperate call for him. He apologized, took all the blame, said he still loved me, that he didn’t work on the relationship enough, said he was an asshole, regretted giving up on us, etc etc etc.

And of course naive me jumped right back in. I refused to have the title of gf/bf because I felt like we were the same exact people, acting the same way, when we were in a relationship. And you know what? We were. Eight turbulent months of the same bs that went on in our relationship was happening all over again. All the change we were working on individually went out the window, and I stopped practicing Buddhism the second we got back together.

And then once again, he ended things. I knew it was coming, I wasn’t happy and neither was he. Yet it still hurt like a bitch. Not as bad as the first time, but I still wanted him back. I said some pretty ridiculous things, begged him, said I would wait for him, etc etc. Yet once again he was already in another relationship lol.

So once again I turned back to Buddhism, and this time, I’ve stuck with it. Its not easy and it will hurt… for a long time, but if you guys were meant to be together, fate will allow it to happen…when its ready.

Your relationship didn’t work for a reason, and maybe its time you really start looking and evaluating those reasons. In mine, I was judgement, irrational, impatient, brash, and selfish. And while admitting to your faults and sincerely working on them is hard, its even harder to forgive yourself for acting that way and only noticing when its too late. You also have to stop making your ex an idol. A relationship is 50/50 so remember the faults your partner had that contributed to the end of your relationship, and don’t take all the blame yourself.

I haven’t seen my ex in 4 months now. And I’ll admit, sometimes I miss him and wish I had another chance. But a larger amount of the time I have accepted reality and what fate has brought me. I have been consistent with my practice of Buddhism and it has brought me so much peace. I finally forgave my ex for the hurt I perceived he caused me and I wish nothing but the best for him now, even if it is without me. Ive had amazing opportunities happen to me because of all the events that happened from our break up.

I’m not telling you that suddenly everything is going to be roses, but once you start letting go it gets easier. And no, its not day by day, but more like month by month you’ll notice the difference. As cliche as it sounds, time really does put things into perspective. And always remember, you cant make someone else happy unless your already by yourself.

4 months later and I’m still not there yet, but at some point you’ll realize that you actually will be, and it will be most gratifying feeling in the world.

April 20, 2013 at 7:38 pm #34109

aquene
Participant

I was this kind of lover once, and my latest ex is a great oppose of that style. I believe in second chance and he does not. I thought we would be happily ever after, we talked about marriage (we both came from failed first marriage and got divorced). we had been together in pretty short length of time, less than six months. I broke up with him because he’s very sensitive toward himself without thinking of my feeling I might have too, he’s intolerably insecure which caused me hard time to keep up our long distance relationship fun and bearable. we spent much hours and hours quarrelling and the main cause was his insecurity. I am not a fully contented person also and his behaviour made me feel worse.

When I decided walking out of his life, he was mad like crazy which broke my heart badly. The situation left me uneasy up to this moment. i still have his contact, once in a while I text him, to share essential updates. firstly he replied some and ended up with arguing like we used to do before when we were still a couple. he has been blaming me, even for the things i never think about. I loved him and still do till this time being. and with him seems I wanna go back to old habit with my other exs, keep coming back and staying in unhealthy relationship. but i know i can’t. because now Im back at college, taking my second degree.

sometimes I wish I was 10years younger so i can follow the urge to be in “crazy” kind of love with this guy. so I can act dramas he wishes whenever he pushes the button; his jealousy, his emotional demands etc. but my capacity is no longer there, I ought to be more focused on my study, I need to keep socialising with some all my classmates -fact that he hates, this has been three months now, and I continue living my life without him. Somehow i feel inadequate with his absence, when he doesn’t reply my rare text I get hurt inside. there are times I feel okay being alone, but there are moments I find myself cant handle the mountainous romantic emotion I have for him. I was the one who left and cant get over it yet, even though I know this is the best for us.

I dont find time yet to really grieve, I cant cry -I want to and this burdens me more. and his abandonment is another bitter pill I should swallow. i don’t wanna regret my decision really. i just need strength to go through this………

April 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm #34120

Anonymous
Inactive

Hello, a great post. I just wanted to add something, I once heard someone say that a relationship is not 50/50 as this sound like everyone only brings half of them to make 100 but it should rather be 100/100…. when I thought about it makes sense.
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