Dear Chanel:

I think you are aware of the dynamic of the following: a young child holds on to her mother, then lets go to investigate something a short distance away, something that picked her interest away from her mother, a shiny object maybe. She walks to that object, maybe even runs, picks it up, looks at it, feels it, considers taking it to the pond of water a distant farther away, to see how it will look like when wet. Before proceeding, she looks back to see if her mother is still there. She looks back and her mother is smiling reassuringly. The child knows her mother will still be there and so, she feels safe enough to go to the pond and investigate further.

Your # 1 is like investigating the shiny object and # 2 is like you checking to see if your mother is still there. Only unlike the example I gave, above, your experience is that your mother may very well not be there is you walk toward the shiny object to start with. Not trusting your mother to be there if you explore, being afraid she will not be there, you are not calm enough, not available for the exploration.

Best place to heal from such anxiety is in competent psychotherapy where you feel safe, where you trust your therapist to be there for you, in the professional setting, to not abandon you, to support you and encourage you as you explore, in therapy.

A safe relationship with a more available boyfriend can help, although he may never be available enough. But with insight on your part and more availability, you are more likely to feel calm enough to explore (#1).

Unlike how you feel, “pathetic”- you are not pathetic. It is not your choice to be anxious. It is an automatic consequence of what you had no choice over (your mother not being there for you). Also, you are not inferior to your boyfriend. The fact that he is more able to explore does not indicate that he is superior to you. It indicates he was more fortunate, that is all. He had a parent reassuring him, when he explored as a child; reassuring him that there is someone there for him.

anita

Dear Chanel:

You are welcome.

Regarding your suggestions in the second paragraph: experiment with these things and evaluate the results. My former therapist used to suggest that a lot: experiment, try this and that and see how it works.

Regarding your first paragraph: when psychotherapy works, it works because of a safe relationship between client and therapist. Being helped is not possible without a safe relationship, one where you trust the therapist to never be aggressive to you, never disrespectful. One where the therapist is empathetic toward you, seeing you (you are visible), understanding what you are saying, repeating what he heard, checking with you if he understood correctly, then furthering your understanding.

Potentially, a relationship with a boyfriend can be safe, for the same reasons I stated above. It can be a place of healing, but the boyfriend has to be available enough to attend to you when he is present with you, at the least (like a therapist), see you, hear you, validate you, etc.

If you can have a healing relationship with your boyfriend, that will be good. Not that he could be your therapist, not at all possible. But he can be, potentially, safe for you: always respectful, often empathetic, available to really hear you, to care to understand you correctly, and so forth.

Post anytime. Will be back to the computer in 7 hours or so.

anita

Dear Chanel:

You asked “how exactly can you heal and become stronger by yourself?”- unfortunately, it is impossible to adequately heal by yourself. The reason is that the kind of injury you suffer from occurred in the context of a relationship (with a parent), and it must be then, in the context of another relationship, or relationships, that healing can occur.

Your relationship with your boyfriend can be healing if you do take responsibility for your healing, don’t expect him to heal you (he can’t even if he wanted to and tried the best he could). Don’t burden him with your challenges and don’t start or lead to arguments. Get the comfort you can get from him, ask for reassurance in moderation, and look for more- not from him- but from others. Best a competent psychotherapist (free or low cost may be a possibility?). Maybe others as in a free support group like CoDa.

Remember, your boyfriend is not a psychotherapist and even if he was, a therapist cannot treat a family member or a girlfriend because of lack of objectivity.

If you give me an example of an argument you had with him, maybe I can give you my feedback regarding how you could have communicated with him better in that incident, in a way that would be healing for you and yet healthy for the relationship (to heal in the context of a relationship, you must always protect the relationship, make it a win-win, win for you and win for him and arguments lead to win/lose or lose/lose).

anita